A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I've been seeing this guy for about 3 years now and am having a hard time trusting him. He hasn't done anything to show he's been cheating on me. IN fact, he's constantly telling me he loves me and only me. I'm constantly upset about one thing or another and he's been very patient and loving and kind. I'm now engaged to him and we're getting married next year. He loves me and forgives me always. I feel like I don't deserve him becaues I've been nothing but what I believe a fiancee should be - loving, kind, considerate and more. I'm always upset everytime we go out but as the date goes on through the day I'm more than loving and fun but the damage has already been done for that one day. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): After reading your follow-up, I'd just like to say that it must be very hurtful and painful when your mom says those things to you. But do not believe what she says. She has her own issues by the sound of things, and she might be nasty to people as a way to try and feel bigger and better about herself. She is probably unhappy, since she has to try and bring other's down. So when she says unpleasant things to you, just remember that it is not true, and it is not really about you at all. She is looking for someone to vent her own frustrations out on. Try and let her comments bounce off you, knowing that she is talking like that because of her own insecurities and issues. Don't give her comments any thought or value. Inside yourself, just privately refuse to acknowledge what she says. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thank you so much for your help and tips. I really appreciate it very much. Since I wrote this I've been doing a lot of thinking and realize that you all are right. I need to love myself and be thankful for having such a loving and copmassionate man who loves me for who I am. I deserve to be loved as much as everyone else does. It's just that sometimes I have a hard time believing it. I grew up with family members calling me names or telling me I look fat and am fat in front of other family members at parties. My mom tells me every morning how ugly I am or reasons as to why no one wants to marry me and that my fiancee probably felt sorry for me and that's why he's marrying me. It hurts everytime she says that and I've told her how I've felt yet she says it's probably true and why am I upset about all this? When she's on a role, she's on a role and the only other thing I can do is just get out of the house and leave. It's sad that she's like this to only me and no one else. My dad says to just say yes and move on. If I contradict her she gets mad and starts on a rant all evening long. My fiancee says that he can't wait for us to get married so I don't have to go through this again. He says the only thing he wants for me is to be happy and loved and he wants to do that for me. I'm lucky to have him and I'm glad he's in my life. Thank you everyone for showing me how lucky I am. I need to start showing my appreciation to him by loving myself and putting out my best self to him. Thanks again and I wish you all the very best this year and on to next year.
: )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): I like you have trust issues. Large ones. Have you been cheated on in the past? I hadn't but I have a low self esteem and wonder why my bf would want me over everyone else he knows. But sweetheart, you have three options.
1) end it, and concentrate on yourself and your own confidence
2) work at your trust.
3) continue to way you are and possibly lose him.
To be honest, the 2nd option probably looks the nicest to you. But, you're thinking how, right?
Well, here's some things I did.
a) made an A2 paper of all my good qualities and wrote why my bf was lucky to have me. I then pinned it to my wall and I read it every time I worry.
b) I think, when I go into worry mode, "if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be"
c) I look at his girl mates and think, he knew them before me, so he would have dated them THEN if he wanted to.
d) I talk to my bf. Tell him when I'm down about trust. Tell him why, tell him it's probably irrational. And he reassures me and I feel better.
Your fella sounds like a good one, who understands and will help you through these trust issues. But consider it like this, if he's going to cheat he will and your insecurities will not stop this. And if he cheats, you are worth ten times more than he and that he wasn't the person you thought you'd fallen in love with.So instead of worrying just enjoy your relationship :) I fully admit I have massively down days where I do not trust him at all. But these days become fewer and fewer as time goes on. Good luck sweetie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): It sounds like your confidence is low, since you feel you don't deserve him. You do deserve to be loved, just like everybody does. And no matter how you may feel about yourself, this guy clearly sees something in you that he likes and cares about. He sees something special in you. He is with you because he wants to be. So even if you don't see anything good about yourself, remember that he does. Try to think of what is good about you, and what positive things you bring to the relationship. Or ask him to tell you what he likes about you, and focus on those things.
When I am having worrying thoughts, but there is no logic behind them, I try to find evidence to support my thought, and evidence to suggest the opposite. So you feel you can't trust this guy. What evidence suggests that you can't trust him? Do you have any proof to support that belief? Or is it more about how you feel about yourself? Is it a feeling? Feelings can be misleading.
Then try and think of evidence to suggest that you can trust him. What does he do to show you he cares? In what ways does he treat you nicely? It is about trying to think in a more realistic way, to concentrate on true facts rather than feelings. It takes practice, but I have found this to be helpful. I hope something here helps you too.
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 he sounds like a keeper but what you need to sit and think to yourself is, why you are feeling like this?? you say yourself that he has never given you any reason to doubt him, then why are you??
is he flirting around other girls?? if the answer is no then why are you so unhappy when you are out with him.. You should think yourself really lucky to have a guy like this, he is devoting himself to you and only you.. And the fact that you are so upset when you go out with him, and he is still putting on a brave face and forgives you for it, just shows you that you've no reason to doubt him..
you need to pull yourself together and just let go when you go out on dates and you'll probably find that you have a better time than you thought you would.
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