A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm going to get teased for this question or stereotyped as insecure. I used to struggle with insecurities when I was younger but I've grown out of most of them as my figure developed and I became who I wanted to become. For some reason I still can't keep myself from feeling jealous in relationships. When me and my boyfriend were still early in the relationship and before I caught full feelings I brought porn into the bedroom on one occasion, it was fun and he let me hold the remote. I didn't mind it. We often watch movies and I don't mind the occasional nude scene, we go places and there's usually hot girls around and I'm used to that. But here lately it seems like the more I catch feelings for him the more I feel insecure, and at the same time, the more I catch feelings for him it send the more he seeks out things that make me jealous. For example, I told him I love him for the first time a few days ago and since then we've sat around glued to boobie movies. The one we watched last night probably had a least two hundred boobs in it. He made a comment about we should go to a strip club together sometime and I have done my best to be confident and not a nag in this relationship because I feel that's what is expected of I'm to be a good partner but it's seeming like I give an inch and it becomes a mile. He's a sweet guy, always making me feel good about myself, and I'm a confident woman who knows she's hot and has a good personality, but I'm not sure how to get past feeling like I'm not enough. I know guys are going to look, I just don't get why they seek it out at the expense if their partner's feelings. I can't tell if he's just testing the waters and measuring my boundaries and if so, where a sane boundary would be. I'm semi new to relationships and am realizing things I should have had boundaries preset but I don't and I'm not sure how to enforce them without being a nag or unrealistic girlfriend. My last relationship was horrible. The guy went into a rage and tried to kill me. He was always trying to drill into my head that I was worthless and insecure but was always playing games with me to make me that way. So being called insecure and such really hits a sore spot for me. But at the same time it seems like if I'm not willing to draw a boundary most guys will take it as far as they can when it comes to other women. I need intense advice please.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2018):
 You are trying TOO hard to "not nag" and be the "BESTEST GF ever!!" that you are NOT sticking to your own standards and boundaries.
If you sit and watch a movie and it's ALL about boobies and quite frankly, not something you are enjoying, tell him OK enough boobies for me, then get up and grab a book to read.
If he wants to go to a strip club and you don't - BE honest! You are NOT being a "better" GF by doing things you don't REALLY want to do.
Having boundaries had nothing to do with being insecure or jealous.
And YOU introducing a porn into the bedroom doesn't mean that you NOW have to comply with EVERY sexual or semi-sexual demands!
And he isn't "taking a mile either" HE is learning YOUR boundaries and showing you his. I don't think that ONE example of the strip club shows that he wants you to be jealous or feel bad about yourself.
The best way to have a HEALTHY relationship is by being HONEST. Don't DO things you aren't wanting to do. Don't be a "pleaser" trying to "sell yourself short.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2018): If you like porn and decided to introduce it early-on in your relationship to spice it up; it might have been just a little premature. It was the timing. You went there before your feelings and trust were well-established.
Now you don't know if he just sees you as a fun sex-buddy; or if he really cares for you in a romantic-way that will evolve into something even more meaningful.
I think at this point, you might suggest to him you want to pump the brakes a little on the sexual-aspect; to explore where things can go emotionally. Feel free to put it in those words. This is a test!
Be forthright with a guy about what you're looking for. If you put more emphasis on sex; he could erroneously assume you're just a party-girl.
If you like this guy and you want him to be more serious; tell him you were being a little frisky, but you'd like to put a hold on the strip club. That's not really where you're coming from. You just wanted to show him you are secure in who you are; and that you can be spontaneous and creative in the bedroom. Fake-it about the insecurity! Don't let the insecurity show, don't admit it, and don't even say that word!
You're reprogramming his mindset; so you can test his ability to allow his emotions to enter into the mix. Not just see you as a partner in his sexual-exploits.
Tell him you are going to make sex the reward for good-behavior and explore all the possibilities. If he's not game for that, it's too late. He just thinks you're a party-girl with a kinky side. There should be no boobs to look at but yours!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 Don't just look at it from the jealousy angle. If you are with someone who pushes you to do activities you don't enjoy, it becomes a bore, a dread. I don't know any guy in the right mind who would do this to their girlfriends, except for the sex addict. You are not in this to challenge yourself and your limits. You are in this to love and cherish each other. This guy is just not right for you. This guy might be a step better from your killer ex but you don't want to kill your self esteem just being with him. There is a difference between looking and fixating on one thing. For a guy whose sole activity is looking for things sexual, his energies are imbalanced. There are many things to do together, romantic or physical. He chose all the ones that would make him a sex freak. You should really hold back and ask yourself what is it about him that's lovable. Is it the fact that you are in a relatively safer relationship from the last? Or is it just your hormones talking? This guy gives me weird vibes and if I were with him, I would soon tire of him. You shouldn't have to draw a boundary and instruct guys to behave. A guy should respect women and not objectify them.
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A
female
reader, CalmTempest  +, writes (15 March 2018):
 If you do not feel comfortable with going to s strip club with your partner, then you need to say so. Being clear in a relationship, is not nagging, its creating boundaries and mutual respect. If he was to argue with you, ridicule, and use triggers like calling you worthless or insecure knowing it'll hurt you, then he's being a pr!ck and abusing the trust you've given him to tell you that in the first place. Using your insecurities against you to get you to do what he wants. I can see that you are conflicted because you are weighing up his pro's and con's, acknowledging your own strengths and weaknesses and you're trying to come to a reasonable solution, but honestly.... if this was a different situation where a friend was crossing a line, what would you do? Tell them straight. There should be no difference with a bf/gf. If you don't want to do something. Or if you want to know where you stand and you feel like the relationship is at a mature level to talk it out civilly, then do so. Blunt, honest and clear. If you feel that the relationship isn't at a mature level.... well that opens another can of worms, one being, why are you with someone who isn't on the same wave length as you and makes you second guess bringing up anything for fear of driving him away when he can get away with asking you bizarre things that make you feel uncomfortable? A lot to consider. I hope you find your answer.
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