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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: have been dating my boyfriend on and off for about four years now. he is a good guy and i love him, and he still tells me he loves me. we have had our problems but usually we work things out. recently though he did something that made me feel very upset and disappointed. he went to california with his friends- he was there for new years, and he had already told me that he would spend new years with me. i mean, aren't couples supposed to spend the holidays together? anyway he was there for four days and he didnt even call me once! i didnt attempt to call him mainly because i was just so angry at him for lying. i called him the other night when he got home and he said he missed me while he was away and said other things he knew i would love to hear. i am seeing him on saturday night and plan on just ending things with him because i feel so let down. i am pretty sure that when i tell him i want to break up he is going to be mad. but i feel like i cant take his lies anymore. i have talked to him about this before and he says he will change but he doesnt. i just want to know if i should end it now and try to move on, or hope at some point he really will change his behavior. i do love him a lot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Hi there!
Short answer - Your relationship does not have trust. With good reason, because according to you, your bf says things and then does not do them. So you do not trust him. Relationships cannot work without trust, and honesty.
Longer answer - Your main complaint on the surface is that your boyfriend told you he would spend New Years with you, and then changed his mind and went with his friends to California. And he didn't call you once. You say "aren't couples supposed to spend the holidays together?". There is no such thing as "supposed to", people choose do to what they want and what they think is right. And in this case, your bf wanted to go to go with his friends. And maybe what you want is a bf who will do whatever you want. Or maybe, you want to be in a relationship where people have the freedom to do what they want but take their partners into consideration. And who communicate properly.
If I was in your position, I would be disappointed in the new years trip, but in truth its not the end of the world, he chose to go have fun with his friends and that is really ok. Hopefully you have your own friends to have fun with, if not you need to get a life, have your own independance. What is not ok is that you feel like he lied and let you down, and because of that you don't trust him. He is the one who has told you one thing and then done another, so he has to bear the consequences of that. Also, it has to be said he is a bit of a dick for not having called you for 4 days while he was away over new years, and I would question whether he has the maturity or consideration to have a good relationship. Or maybe you just haven't let him know what you want, and why it is important to you.
So here is the deal. Know what you want, and communicate it with your bf. If you trust that he can meet your requirements if he is prepared, and wants, to be that kind of bf, keep him, and keep communicating what you wants so that he can choose to make better choices. Over time, he may choose to become the boy you want to have, if he wants it too.
If you don't trust that he will ever choose to change, or that you just both want different things, or that you feel that he will continue to lie, then dump him. One thing to consider though, just be sure that the things that you want are reasonable, or that you are sure that you have to have those things and they are not things you can compromise on, as all relationship involves compromises in some respect. Honesty and trust are not thngs that should be compromised, but whether or not you spend new years together could be. Choice is up to you.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Did you ask him why he did not call you? Did you ask him why didn't he spend the holiday with you as he promised? I feel that you should not end this relationship without at least getting these questions answered. I would be curious to know how he spent his time in those 4 days that he was away due to the fact that there were no phone calls made to you from him.
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A
female
reader, Nikita  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Hiya, well you say that he is a good guy and that he loves you but in the same breath you say he lies and didnt call you on New Years Eve. What does he lie about? Are they serious enough to warrent ending your relationship. Everybody tells lies to a certain extent. Some are harmless little white lies. Others are harmful. Did you discuss him going to California for the new year? If you hadnt discussed it and he just went without your knowledge then thats pretty disrespectful and shows that even after four years he's not committed to you. If the problem is however that he went with your knowledge and you're angry cos he didnt call you then thats different. he may have been drunk and caught up in the party spirit although I agree and see how upsetting it would have been for you. Id have been put out too if my bf hadnt called me. If the lies he's been telling you are bad lies then I think you do have to revaluate your relationship and ask yourself whether its worth continuing particularly if you've brought him up on this and he hasnt stopped his lies but if the lies have been little ones that everybody at some point tells then I would not give up on this relationship especially cos you love him and he loves you, and you have been together for four years. There must be something thats keeping you together. When you see him on Sat, talk to him and tell him how upset you were that he didnt call you and go from there. Im sure that you can gauge by his reaction and what he says how he feels. Ask him if he still wants to be with you and if he sees a future with you. Be honest and open and hopefully he'll tell you how he feels. take carex
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A
female
reader, H Francis +, writes (6 January 2007):
You have been together for 4 years off and on. Its either off or on. Make a decision and make it quick for your own sake. Fact. He never called you on New Years. Fact. He wanted to spend it with his friends rather than you. Maybe he is trying to tell you something and you need to find out what that it is pretty quickly, so that you can be a proper partnership or get someone who wants to be with you for not just a little slap and tickle.
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