A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is a question I know is on here often. But I really need any good answer. My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and a half, plan to get married in January of next year, now I am just waiting on "the perfect time" he has planned to propose. Anyhow, in the very beginning of the relationship, we were talking about the craziest things ever done. He said a threesome. It shocked me. In the beginning of the relationship we broke up a few times, we were off and on and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be with him. After a few months we settled and have been together constantly without a break up for over a year. I think about the threesome a lot. Honestly anytime something on tv has 2 sluts trying to have sex with one guy, I think "wow, my boyfriend has done that..." I know the past is past, but in my belief the past is a large part of who we are and I like to know about things in his past to understand him now. What also bothers me is the fact that I actually find him kind of boring when it comes to sex. He isn't trying new things nor does he want it frequently or seem to care too much about it at all. I mean he likes sex, but isn't one to get bothered if we don't do it for a week. And the other night he actually turned down a blow job in the car because it was dangerous, or he had to pee, and a few other excuses. Thus why I get the feeling he is a little tame sexually. Which I don't mind. Until I remember that he has had a threesome! To me it is something I only see in porn. It isn't an everyday occurence. And when I try to ask him about it, how it was, did he like it, how did it happen, he won't tell me. He claims he genuinely doesn't remember. How would you remember it happened but not the details? He has told me a bit about it, it was a girl he wasn't dating and her friend but he didn't touch her friend, they were into each other while he "did" the girl he was kind of dating. I guess he now tries to act like it isn't a big deal. It's a huge deal to me. It makes me feel like I don't even know him. What I want more than anything is to be able to erase it from my memory or go back in time and make it so he never told me. It is something I never needed to know and now I am a full believer of not speaking too much about past relationships. I'm ok until something reminds me of it and then I see him differently. I try to remind myself that it was in the past and he was younger (he's 30 now, it happened in his early 20's I guess). Sometimes I don't think of it as much and other times it won't get out of my head, but it is always there. I have only brought it up to him twice though despite how often it comes up in my head. I figure discussing and fighting would get us nowhere. The only time I mention it is when I just think hearing more about it will help me. Sometimes it helps a little, but the act itself and picturing him doing that with 2 girls is too much for me. I wish I could hear him say he didn't like it, or would rather it not have happened. How would someone who seems so boring have no problem being naked and having sex in front of another girl?? I mean what I love about him is that he is a nerd, he loves computers and video games and isn't a womanizing dirt bag or a sleaze ball that loves whores. He was always the first person to put down our old roommate for having so many different girls he was seeing all at once and that type of lifestyle. So am I to just tell myself that's not how he is anymore? I think it is called retro jealousy or something. And I know what it is, I just want it to stop. I need any way to get it out of my head and not torture me. And telling me it is past so don't think about it doesn't help. I already realize that. So if anyone has gone through soemthing similar and actually has a way to get rid of the thoughts please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your comments, but especially to Jen1689. You seem to understand exactly what I'm talking about even though it is a different situation. I agree with you completely. And makes me feel better. I'd like to think over time I would think about it less, and remembering it was meaningless and a long time ago helps some. Thank you again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): The usual response is to think "wow, a threesome, he must be fucking awesome in bed and wild and crazy and really like sex".But, the truth is often the opposite. This is more often the actual issue."I actually find him kind of boring when it comes to sex"That is why the other stuff happens, it happens because the person doing it has sexual issues and can't really let loose with one person and enjoy sex like it can be enjoyed. They often can't remember sexual activities because they tend to blank them out. Memory is funny, for reasons we don't understand the range of even "first" memories is from around 16 months (still pooping yourself) to around 15 years for people.This can be a problem with sexual life in a long term stable relationship, he may have sexual issues that he doesn't want to talk about.My wife had a wild sexual past, much wilder than I realized, although I had suspected a lot, and yet she was kind of boring sexually. It wasn't until we'd been in counseling, she'd had an affair, and our marriage was nearly over because I was to the point of leaving over the sex life, that she vomited it all up. In her younger years there was lots of wild sex, crazy sex, and internal worries that she wasn't enough (no matter what she did), and worries about her own sexual orientation. She had been abused, and raped additionally, and hid it all. People bury stuff deep, and it affects their serious relationships, it doesn't affect the casual ones because they are exactly that "casual and meaningless".
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): It'll just get worse if you ask questions
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I really feel that you need to be both kind and honest and have a sit down conversation somewhere comfortable and private. (You owe it to yourself to clear any troubling questions before marriage). Although I suspect he might regret this and not want to ever do this kind of thing again, you really need him to open up and tell you that.
If you can get him to open up without putting words in his mouth and just get comfortable talking with you, you can find out if this is something he wants to repeat, or was it an immature mistake. Explain that it is simply troubling you as it seems out of character and gave you a surprise, although there is not judgement you are wondering what type of future he wants with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's what I think. I'd try to talk and be open because that's how I am. I would think if I had more info then I'd feel better. And a do a little more. If I can understand it then it makes it a little easier for me. And once again, to the anonymous poster, I realize it is his past and that I shouldn't dwell on it. Telling me not to dwell on it because it is his past and now is now does not help me. And just because a threesome is not a big deal to you doesn't mean I feel the same way. I still feel it is a huge deal. I wouldn't ever not be with him because of it, because it IS his past, but the point of asking on here was to find a way to NOT think about it. I want to be with him, I do not want to have this problem I have with how I think. And if it became too serious I would consult a therapist to discuss it with before I'd ever leave him over it. Thank you yos and danceinthedark.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's what I think. I'd try to talk and be open because that's how I am. I would think if I had more info then I'd feel better. And a do a little more. If I can understand it then it makes it a little easier for me. And once again, to the anonymous poster, I realize it is his past and that I shouldn't dwell on it. Telling me not to dwell on it because it is his past and now is now does not help me. And just because a threesome is not a big deal to you doesn't mean I feel the same way. I still feel it is a huge deal. I wouldn't ever not be with him because of it, because it IS his past, but the point of asking on here was to find a way to NOT think about it. I want to be with him, I do not want to have this problem I have with how I think. And if it became too serious I would consult a therapist to discuss it with before I'd ever leave him over it. Thank you yos and danceinthedark.
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reader, Jen1689 +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I've definitely been where you've been (and still kind of am). My fiance (who is nearly 24) and I have been together for two and a half years. I am 22, and was a virgin when I met him. He was my first and only. However, before me, he had slept with two girls. One was the girl he lost his virginity to, and the other was the girl he dated after that.The girl he lost his virginity to I don't think about a whole lot (although he told me he had a threesome with her and her friend when he was about 15 or 16). The girl he dated after her, however, I obsess over. The thing that's hard for me to move past is the fact that she was so young when they first began dating. She was a freshman (15) and he was a senior (18 turning 19). She was three and a half years younger than him, and the fact that he slept with her outside of highschool just kinda grosses me out. I also heard that he took her virginity, which also haunts me. I tend to hold this against him, and I think about it a lot, just as you do with your partner's past fling.There was a while where everything around me reminded me of her. I would get angry and insecure and crazy jealous over something that I wasn't even around for, and that, had I not asked or been told about it, I wouldn't even know had existed. This drove a HUGE wedge between my fiance and I for a long time. It's still not gone, but I'm getting better about it.What you need to realize is that it DID happen in the past. People do a lot of stupid things when they're young that they would easily take back if they could, but they can't, so why dwell on it? Would my fiance date a 19- or 20-year old now being much more mature and level-headed and HAPPY with me? Absolutely not. He allowed her to cheat on him multiple times, and would still take her back and sleep with her because he was a guy and she would give it to him. Would he allow me to cheat on him and take me back? HELL NO. He respects himself a lot more now and knows that what we have is far and away better than anything he ever had with her.Your boyfriend (future fiance) would probably not go back and do it again if he had the chance. Believe him when he says that he didn't do much with the other girl. Most threesomes when you're young are awkward and uncomfortable. Most of the time one person is left out while the other two go at it. DO NOT compare a threesome in real life with what you see in porn. Porn is scripted and planned out. People in real life oftentimes don't know what to do or what positions work best.As far as your issue with his being "boring" in the bedroom, my fiance is the same way. Sometimes we won't have sex for two weeks at a time. Whenever we do, he's not at all interested in anything outside of the ordinary. We've done it in public before, but nothing too scandalous. But he doesn't like roleplaying, or dressing up, or dirty talk, or seduction techniques. He says we're still young and can just go at it without all of that fancy stuff. He wants to save the other stuff for when we're older and might actually need it. If your boyfriend is honestly thinking about proposing to you, he's more than likely thinking about the long-term, whereas with his past crush he thought that the threesome could've been his only opportunity.I wouldn't take it personally. Just know that you're lucky to have a guy who's willing to make you the ONLY woman he sleeps with for the rest of his life. Most guys are terrified thinking about that. Know that you are special to him and that he probably doesn't want you knowing the details about the threesome because they're completely irrelevant to his life with you. He's probably tried to forget about it. If he knows you're at all jealous, he's probably trying to spare your feelings to avoid an argument or to push further insecurities on you. Believe me, the more you know, the less secure you'll feel. I know this from experience. If you're really insecure with your sex life, let him know. Tell him that YOU would like to try new things, maybe he'll be open to it. But please, please, PLEASE try to let this go. If not, it will destroy you... Good luck.
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reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I haven't been through the EXACT same thing, it wasn't a threesome.
But I had the exact same reason, things would remind me of it, and i'd be disgusted, and my view would change of him.
Like you, i'd do all these things to try and reassure myself, and try not to make a big deal of it. It never worked.
It's so hard to do this, but honestly the best thing that worked for me was talking to me about it. Just be honest and communicate, tell him that it's bothering you. Reassurance usually works better when it comes from him.
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 June 2011):
 It was in his past. He did not do that while he was with you.
He experimented sexually, chances are he did a lot of things without thinking years ahead how it would upset you.
It is what he does NOW that matters. Judge him in his actions NOW.
He participated in the threesome and he was honest about it! If you can not move past it, then you should not get married.
Best Wishes.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (10 June 2011):
 I've been through something similar (though not a threesome). A few things:
First, he's right to not give you any more information. Since you are jealous about it, the more he tells you, the more jealous you will get. I know it feels like the opposite to you, but it's not. You need to STOP asking him about it. Every time you do it just erodes your relationship and lets your jealousy take even more control over you. Stop right now.
The short answer is that there is no way to ever get it fully out of your head. As long as you are with him, you will always be aware that this happened. You can't change the past, and you won't be able to forget this part of it.
What you can do is learn to not care about it. Eventually the memory will pop up in your mind and you won't have any feelings about it. If you really don't care.
Here is the hardest bit: you 'just want it to stop'. But do you really? I know you want the feelings of jealousy to stop, but you don't want to let go of feeling upset about this. All the things you say, the rationalizations, you have to stop too. I believe people with retroactive jealousy are trapped in a contradiction between 'wanting it to stop' but not wanting to let go of their judgements and feelings that are part of it. For it to stop you have to change a part of yourself, and that is incredibly hard.
That means letting go of your value judgements (ie that he is a 'sleaze ball that loves whores'). It means saying 'no' to the jealousy every time it appears and changing the subject in your head to something else. And most importantly it means deciding that you have had enough of this and just don't care about it any more. That the threesome was meaningless, unimportant, irrelevant, and not worth thinking about any more.
It can be very hard to do. Things like meditation, yoga and tai chi are helpful if you are really stuck: they teach us to let go and calm our minds. Talking to a therapist can be helpful also.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): if something like that bothers you that much you probably dont need to be with him....its not a big deal people experiment. when that happened you guys werent together. this is a problem within yourself and shouldnt be blamed on him....so what? just because you try one thing doesnt mean thats the person you are. you sound obbsessed over something that in reality should bother anyone. if he had done this while you guys were together different story. but if you love him you need to accept him for who he is. look at it this way its probably a good thing he did that cause it seems like its not that big a deal to him now that he has crazy sexual adventures, thats not what hes about. and if he hadnt had done that maybe a part of him would want to. anyway point being the past is the past leave it at that would you want someone to bring up something that happened years ago that didnt even involve them?
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reader, Yos +, writes (10 June 2011):
I've been through something similar (though not a threesome). A few things:
First, he's right to not give you any more information. Since you are jealous about it, the more he tells you, the more jealous you will get. I know it feels like the opposite to you, but it's not. You need to STOP asking him about it. Every time you do it just erodes your relationship and lets your jealousy take even more control over you. Stop right now.
The short answer is that there is no way to ever get it fully out of your head. As long as you are with him, you will always be aware that this happened. You can't change the past, and you won't be able to forget this part of it.
What you can do is learn to not care about it. Eventually the memory will pop up in your mind and you won't have any feelings about it. If you really don't care.
Here is the hardest bit: you 'just want it to stop'. But do you really? I know you want the feelings of jealousy to stop, but you don't want to let go of feeling upset about this. All the things you say, the rationalizations, you have to stop too. I believe people with retroactive jealousy are trapped in a contradiction between 'wanting it to stop' but not wanting to let go of their judgements and feelings that are part of it. For it to stop you have to change a part of yourself, and that is incredibly hard.
That means letting go of your value judgements (ie that he is a 'sleaze ball that loves whores'). It means saying 'no' to the jealousy every time it appears and changing the subject in your head to something else. And most importantly it means deciding that you have had enough of this and just don't care about it any more. That the threesome was meaningless, unimportant, irrelevant, and not worth thinking about any more.
It can be very hard to do. Things like meditation, yoga and tai chi are helpful if you are really stuck: they teach us to let go and calm our minds. Talking to a therapist can be helpful also.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): the issues you have to address are not the threesome so much, ok it happened you can't do anything about that, if he does not want to open up about it don't beat yourself up over it. the main thing you need to look at is do you want to marry this guy, you already have issues with him and believe me it doesn't change for the better when you marry it gets worse, believe me i've lived it. sort your problems between yourselves before you commit because once you have its a nightmare to get out of. good luck.
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