A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do about this....my boyfriend of almost a year has this problem, he insists on going online for his sexual gratification....lately we have only been having sex like once a month if that. I know he has intimacy issues but its tearing me up that he doesn't want to have sex with me. The last several times I have had to initiate the sex.....I'm so freakin lost. We have talked several times about this and nothing seems to change.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): i went through something similar. was with a guy for about a year...thoughtful, sweet, never tired of each other, he had his faults, but who doesnt? he spoiled me in many ways, treated me pretty decent. my issue? his once a month "take it or leave it" 3 seconds of fame! at first i didnt understand why he wasnt like other men ive been with...i could undress in front of him, flirt with him, he wouldnt bat an eye, i kind of enjoyed it initially, no pressure, but as i grew and learned to care for him more, i naturally as a woman wanted him more intimately. we went from once a month, to non existant. i tried to talk to him, he said he had "issues" (like i didnt know THAT LOL) i accepted this for awhile, but as time went on, i couldnt. i was putting HIS needs before my own, and although i cared for him deeply, i was sacrificing my needs/wants continuously I WASNT HAPPY. great guy, except...well...you know. i had to ask myself...is this the man i want to stay with? how long must i wait for him to clear up these issues? forever? forever is not a chance im willing to take. in your case, this is like taking away a childs toys when hes misbehaving, i dont care what anyone else thinks, this is like babysitting/mothering...you cut him off from the porn, he'll sneak if he wants it. do you really wanna have to go through all that? if he seriously wants to be with you, he'll make the change himself/FOR himself, YOU cant change him. if he doesnt see it as a problem, if you decide to stay, will you be happy like this? i doubt it, youre not happy now! my advice? no ultimatums, this is about YOU. let him know your needs arent being met, if you havent already....and if he cant make the effort, then HE is choosing what HE wants. i know how hard it is when you love someone, but its YOU first, always and forever!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2011):
 RedAthena is dead on.
This is one of the main dangers of porn. It becomes so easy to "rub one off" so to speak that to connect with an actual woman becomes too much effort. The penis gets so used to the hand that a woman's vagina can't stimulate enough. It takes effort to please a woman, but none to get off to images. Porn is an ultimately self-serving device - the images are tailor made to stimulate the person watching.
I'm not saying that porn itself is bad. It's simply a tool - one that is and can be addictive. This guy you're with is caught in it, and if you want to stay with him, it would take a massive amount of effort and desire for him to break from it and retrain himself to be turned on by one woman. He also has to retrain himself to be turned on by how he makes you feel. Most men derive sexual pleasure and arousal by making their partners feel good.
I'm sorry to say, but if he doesn't want to change or is only half-ass, the relationship is doomed. It won't be enough to simply "ban porn". That's like simply taking cigarettes from a smoker and thinking he's cured. Getting access to porn is just as easy as sneaking to the gas station and buying a pack of cigs.
Until he gets to the place where he realizes that his porn addiction will make him lose more than gain, he'll never quit. Not for ultimatums, not for your feelings. It's a compulsion that right now has him. If you've talked before, now is the time to end it. You need to step away from him. It's either you or his addiction, and talk doesn't move him. Maybe action will, but he has to FEEL your loss before he will do anything to help himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): I suggest banning porn from the house and making it clear that you are unwilling to live this way, it is affecting your life NOT just him.
Also ask him to give over his phone if it has an internet connection and go cold turkey.
Say that unfortunately an ultamatim is the only way that you see anything will change, he has left you know other option, unless he also wants to see a therapist centre for addiction.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 June 2011):
 Sounds like an addiction. The only way for him to crave YOU more, is for him to stop viewing porn (Not likely, sorry) and to only have YOU stimulate him for release.
The Brain needs retraining (like any addiction) and he has to be willing to try it.
It sounds like YOU need the sex to be emotionally satisfied as well, and he is not providing that depth in your relationship.
It really is'nt about you-he is being a selfish lover.
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