A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically, about a year ago I got in to drugs and heavy drinking and became really self-destructive and depressed. I slept around a lot and started seeing my ex (Ste*) who lived near me with his girlfriend (Lucy*). One night I slept with Ste and his boss (Dave*) who is twice my age and engaged to Lucy's best friend (Sue*) and lives with her and their 3 kids, one of which is my age. After months of living like that I ended up controlled by shame and suicidal, and ended up in hospital.Now I've changed my life around and I'm a completely different person. I'm quite good friends with Lucy, and every time I've had a drink the feelings of guilt and shame come back and I keep trying to indirectly tell her what happened. The next day I'm terrified she will start to put things together about what's happened. They are quite 'dodgy' people, and I know if anyone found out about it I would be in a lot of trouble, which was the attraction in the first place. Obviously I'm scared, and I don't want to break up their families. But I can't stop these feelings of shame and although it was a long time ago now I don't want it to take me back to where I've been before.
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best friend, depressed, drugs, engaged, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Reebe +, writes (3 November 2008):
 Firstly well done for turning your life around.No one is going to win here, if you tell her, you could lose her friendship and also break up families - which will make you feel worse. Also you say it could be dangerous for you.Most people have something in their past that they wish they hadn't done, you will have to find a way to deal with this, put it in the past with your drug taking and draw a line under it. You will have to live with these feelings of guilt, why should she suffer when she did nothing wrong. If you feel you can't help but tell her when you've had a drink they don't drink in her comapny any more.I hope you can move on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Stop seeing these people. It is a reminder of a bad experience, almost like a nightmare, that you want to forget. Spilling the beans will have an affect all there lives too. No just find new friends.
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A
female
reader, Gemini1506 +, writes (3 November 2008):
sometimes things are better left unsaid. Your right you'll end up ruining a family and i doubt it would stop u feeling guilty. Just carry on as you are and leave the past in the pastxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): You need to forgive yourself. You obviously feel remorse, and it shows you've learned a valuable lesson.These men basically used you(emotionless sex)...that's sad too.If you've forgiven yourself, and these men, then I suggest you bury the past, and move on with life.I see no good to come of bringing all this hurt when the truth is 'you and these men used each other' and that's all it was...
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A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (3 November 2008):
If you told her, who's benefit would it be for?
Would her life be better or worse for knowing about this thing that you did?
I think you want to tell her to alleviate your own guilt, when it seems that the best thing for you to do is live with it and move on.
On the other hand, my friend slept with a guy who had a girlfriend, (actually it was a full blown affair lasting over a year) and felt so bad about it that she sent the couple a card apologising for what happened.
They're the best of friends now, but I'd be willing to bet that this is an exception rather than the rule.....
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