A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My parents have recently split up after 30 years of marriage. I think one of them has just started a new relationship and I don't know what to do. I don't want to have anything to do with the new partner but does that mean I can't have the same relationship with my parent? I can't stand the thought of either my mother or father with a new partner, it makes me both angry and sad. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Hi there anon female. Do not listen to the seasoned aunts telling to that it is none of your business. This is bullshit! It is your business. This is your family unit and YOU too were affected by t heir divorce. You are entitled to feel this loss and also entitled to mourn the loss of your parents marriage. The problem on DC is that the seasoned aunts are very liberal minded telling everyone to mind their own business and so forth. The problem with minding your own business and not challenging the people whom you love means that they feel they are not accountable for their actions. Whether you are 3 or 30 or hey even 50 your parents divorce will always impact you and you have RIGHT TO FEEL A SENSE OF LOSS. At least you care enough for your parents to go through the motions, some children could not give a f*ck what happens to their parents. At least you still have a semblance of a family unit.
You need to tell both parents what you feel. They may not like it but at least the channels of communication are there. Just like how you cannot influence their new life partners and their choices, but you are respecting these choices, your parents need to understand and respect what you are going through. Divorce affects EVERYONE in a family unit, not only hb and wife. In your case it affected you too and you should not be ashamed to admit these feelings of sadness, anger and uncertainty.
A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (2 November 2009):
I can sympathise - I think I'd find it tough if my parents split and I had to get to know new partners etc but it wouldn't be up to me. I have no say in what my parents do.I think it will change the relationship you have with each parent but our friendships and relationships are constantly evolving as we grow and change and as others around us change. It's a fact of life.But it sounds like you're having a hard time dealing with it all. Try to talk things through with a counsellor. It can be arranged free through your G.P normally although there may be a waiting list.Hang in there. You're not a bad person just because you feel this way....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Your being picked on a bit and I think thats unfair,
I understand what you mean.
Its gonna be wierd for a while as you adjust to this new reality. take you time and visit sometimes, always be nice though.
In time you will get used to it a be fine, just let yourself adjust ok.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I guess I'll chime in and say that this is really none your business. Why grown children expect to be the center of their parent's universe is beyond me. They raised you, their primary job is done. Let them now live their lives as they see fit. Act like a class act.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Wow, yeah..you're too old for this bull sh*t.First off, you do realize they had problems, it just didn't start before their divorce, it could have been over a decade ago, 2 decades ago, but they decided to, "stay together for the kids." My parents split up, when I was kid. Do I care if they did? Nope. Does it affect my relationship with them? Nope. Am I fully involved in their new partners' lives? Nope, by choice. Did my parents' force me to just act nice with there new partners? Nope.Am I still involved in my parents' lives, yes. It doesn't mean they love you less. Some just don't feel the spark like they used to, so they want something new (sh*tty reason to split up, but whatever).Some may have cheated so the other partner wanted out, which is a character flaw on the cheater, not really directed towards you (I rather have a parent leave a cheater than stay with the cheater, I'd have more respect that they didn't allow themselves to be walked all over on). To me, the only thing it made me realize is I better make a DAMN good choice on a partner when it concerns marriage. So I don't make the mistake they did. Too often, I notice people that parents' are still married, often in their own marriages will stay in a sh*tty marriages (cheaters, abuse, etc), just because they fear the big D. I'm not saying every couple with minor problems should go with divorce, but everyone should have their limits and be realistic.It made me aware to never run into anything like that too quickly. It makes me be extra choosy when considering anyone for a long term relationship which may lead to marriage, etc.I feel sorry for your loss, but this shouldn't bother you. Just keep in mind, you don't need to do anything you don't want to do, if you don't want to meet/get to know their new partners' fine. Explain to your parent, you want to keep your relationship with them, but when you go to meet up with them or go to lunch you prefer if their new partner isn't there - let them know X isn't invited. I doubt they'll force the issue.Secondly, to all the people in marriages who read this post, take a good look at her question and age (30's).So all of you who stay in marriages "till the kids grow up," guess what, it doesn't do any damn good.They still go through the SAME THING. Point, fix your marriages or leave them. Leaving them later, doesn't help any. Girl, just keep your head up, you're a grown woman, I know in your eyes everything may have been perfect. To you your parents' marriage may have been perfect. Unfortunately, this is common, parents stay together for the kids, hoping it would be less traumatic for them. Truth is, they've been probably leading separate lives for YEARS even DECADES.I think what would help is asking your parents, why they split up. What were the reasons? Infidelities, personalities, the "spark," etc. Once you understand the reasons, you'd be able to cope.When you see them as perfect together, it's hard to imagine why'd they'd get a divorce, etc. BUT once you know, it wasn't as what it SEEMED, it should make it A LOT easier.So talk to both of them, ask them for the truth, TRY NOT TO GET EMOTIONAL, I know it's hard, but your parents are older (I'm guessing near 60's) and they don't need to be stressed.So let us know what you find out, good luck.
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