A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i need some help with an ongoing problem in my relationship with my boyfriend.we've been together for 3years now.i have two children from previous relationships and he has two sons also.my problem is i can't stand the close relationship he has with his ex who is the mother of his youngest son.they have been split for some 10years now.i am his fifth girlfriend since.he has been in prison and isnt too proud of his past.anytime anything goes wrong between us and theres a row he goes running back to her for comfort.its got to the point on occasions where its made me ill.she is no threat in a sexual or physical way.im 100%sure they arent having an affair in that way.if hes in financial trouble she helps him out.if i tell him to leave because we've argued either because of her of otherwise he still ends up at hers.i have met and spoken to her on several occasions.she runs him into the ground any chance she gets.shes been out with a couple of men but her son didnt like them so she dumped them?when he and i have argued hes even got her to lie for him and say hes not there.the worst time was about 6months ago when he dissapeared for 3days and she told me barefaced lies and told me he wasnt there.i found out he was taking drugs.i confronted her and she said he put her up to it and she was trying to make him call me.she comes from a very downtrodden upbringin and gets used by her sisters and brother for cash and a place to stay.i have screamed blue murder to my partner loads that i detest this setup.we've split recently over this but are now back together.he uses his son as an excuse and says to me"its ok for you.you live with your kids"he hardly takes him out and was going there nearly every single night when we first met.none of his ex's tolerated the situation and some were worse than me.his latest scenario is he needs to borrow money for a car from her even though he promised he wouldnt keep doing these things to hurt me.shes lent him the money even though she told me he doesnt give her hardly any maintenance for her son.someone told me that he is as thick as thieves with his ex but they deffinetly dont sleep together.is he using her as a mother or am i being taken for a ride by this man.ive cried and cried and begged him to stop.he promises he will then something else always crawls out of the woodwork.they also share cigs together which ive told him not to do about 50times and he still 'absentmindedly'does.help im at my wits end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionprobably not the best time to write but i feel like im getting more and more angry about this situation.my partner says he understands me but when i ask for direct answers as to why hes still using his ex and why she puts up with it he sits there with a blank look on his face looking slightly angry.he quotes the last time he spoke to his ex and says he could have gone round there to see his son but he chose not to because he was thinking of me.as if that is going to make up for the last 3yrs.he says things like"i used to go round there nearly every night at least i dont do that now"aaarrrggghh.would like to say he doesnt get it but obviously im the one who doesnt get it arent i?anyway an update is he went to his old lodgings and returned with sacks of his old stuff someting ive asked him to do for a year now.there was a bag that contained 10yr old photos of him and a different ex and letters.didnt mind them but didnt like the dirty b,day cards notes etc.told him if he had half brain would have had the tact to have chucked em before i found them and been considerate of me.something he obviously cant do without being told.situations hard enough to deal with without finding all that crap.he told me to grow up.heh?sort of added insult to injury that he didnt check it all.had go at him which culminates with me in tears telling him to get rid of it and him speeding off in car like ive done something wrong?im not jealous he can look at pretty girls or lads mags etc.just dont feel he understands me and perhaps today proves that once and for all.very tired very fedup.any ideas and i being over the top?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your reply jovial.at least ive got a fresh mind to see my dilema from a new angle.ive been blinkered by my own pain.i hadnt realised the more i moan and demand the more he will show this (very)weak side of him and use it as even more ammo to run to her.deep down i think shes still carrying a lit match(ha ha)if not a torch for him?shes has been very good at pretending shes isnt fazed by anything.ive recently began to realise what a good liar she is too.my partner has caught her out on a few lies recently relating to something very personal.she knows deep down how hurt i am yet continues to support him.shes very two-faced.perhaps as i said to him they are a match made in heaven.they are almost brother and sister.but you know what i think theres an element of revenge going on with her.you were right too with your suggestion i ignore their freindship.ill be the mature party for as long as i can and ill see if that makes a difference.she is very much a doormat but the reason he goes running back above all others is because she tolerates his immaturity and as he said"no matter what she provides a bed for me for the night"well he might be sleeping there alot more if this carries on.thanks again for your advice.its given me food for thought.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (22 March 2007):
 Hi
Why you are still with this man its beyond me. Anyway, I think this guy is really dependent on this woman and she likes it more especially because you are against. Sometimes some exes don’t think for themselves they will do anything that will hurt the current partner in their exes life. She knows his weaknesses and she is using them to destroy the relationship and she knows she doesn’t have to sleep with him to do that. maybe he does find that comfort when he is with her than with any other he ever dated including you. Have you ever asked yourself what is it that you are not doing that drives him back to her? Maybe she listens to him, maybe he finds her easy to manipulate it can be many reasons why he feels so much comfort in her.
If you cant beat her why don’t you join her? I see that you want this man regardless of how bad he treats you so I say: Ignore their friendship and act like you don’t care and see what happens. I think she is enjoying the attention, stop confronting her you have said enough because the more you are do that in her own twisted way she feels like she won a trophy so banning this relationship will hurt you even more. Infact he will still use the child as the ticket to see her. So let it go. If it doesn’t work drop him and find a more respectful partner not this looser.
Jovial
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