A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:We've been together just over 2 years. We're both 20 and although young can see marriage etc in the future. He's great. He's sweet and supportive and I overall a great boyfriend. The only problem that we have is, his lying.He's not an unfaithful guy, i trust 100% that he would never cheat but he lies about small things, mainly to make me feel better. He lied to me to cover up his mistake and cover up another lie he had been telling me for the first 6 months of our relationship- again he wasn't unfaithful, bit even close, but he belittled me in a sexual sense when thing to a particular friend and he lied throughout the 6 months before I found out when I asked if he talked about our sex life. He had no reason from me to lie but he admits that he did it because he was ashamed of himself and what he had said. That's 2 lies. The next comes to him lying to make me feel better/to protect himself from my reaction. I've never been a confident girl and I'll admit to being insecure at a point after the relationship (after the first lies). He would lie to me about petty things such as when I showed him a picture of my 'fitspiration' and showed a picture if what I wanted my bum to look like. He was just out the shower and he did excited. I joked (genuinely was joking at the time, I wasn't at all hurt) but he denied it and even got a little annoyed. He then lied and said he oy got turned on by me. I knew deep down that was a lie but believe him anyway as I was trying my hardest to gain back the trust he broke at the start. Every time I told him to tell me me the truth he would insist he was and get annoyed that I didn't trust him. Eventually it came out, he admitted it and told me he lied because "knew how insecure I was". There are times where he will say one thing then a few months later will say the opposite . For example, I remember him saying that Angelina Jolie was hot (again not something I had a problem with other than I didn't agree that she was haha) then when I joked about it he said he didn't find her hot and denied saying it and instead said he said that he liiked the tomb raider films and that I twisted it . I don't know what to do. Even though the lies are petty and stupid (at least most of them) I still feel hurt and stupid when he tells them. I don't understand why he feels he needs to lie about things so small. I would have ended things a long time ago if the lies where big such as cheating or lying about where he was going etc but these seem to be little white lies . I know everyone tells white lies sometimes but these are lies that shouldn't even have to be lies. It's not as if I'm asking him 'do I look fat in the dress' or 'have you emptied the bin'. In fact I'm not even asking him anything, they just come from his mouth (with the exception of the first lie) the only time I ask is when I feel like he has lied.We've talked about it a couple of times but every time a do he says I need to try and move on and that he doesn't do stuff like that anymore. But then he'll say something and I won't be convinced it's entirely true. I'm not sure if that's because I can't seem to move on from it because I feel disrespected and as if he thinks I'm stupid or if I'm right and he is still lying about stupid stuff that shouldn't even be lies. I don't know whether to talk to him about it again and how it makes me feel when he does it or if I should just leave it.I'm so confused, part of me thinks In justified I how I feel and the other part of me feels like I'm over thinking it and I should try and move on and laugh it off.
View related questions:
insecure, move on, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2014): My boyfriend lies to me too. I went to bed early one night, he got called into work, then I saw him in the front yard before I went to bed around 9:00 pm. The next day I asked him when he got home and he said 11:30 pm. Why tell me that lie? It makes me think he was on the computer surfing for porn.Another time I asked about a former co-worker and if he had talked to her this past year and he said no, made a reference to a church in the car wondering if it was hers, we had passed a church. Then later in the month, I found out this co-worker had come to his place of work with her church group to tour the company. It was in the local paper, so yes, he knew at the time I asked about her that she was coming into the workplace. Again, why lie about that?It gets so twisted. Especially if it has to do with past girlfriends. I have come to "know" when he lies. The stories get way involved or over the top and he gets defensive. The thing is he can't remember what lies he has told. The stories will change mid-stream as he tells them to me too.I can also read his body language, plus I have found a pattern to his lies and when he is covering up something.I keep a journal on a flash-drive and I have a password to the documents so I can recall what he said and when he said it.The bad thing about the his lying is I can't trust what he says to me anymore. It is the truth he is telling or it is a lie I have to keep asking myself. If he lies about small things, surely he will lie about big things.Then I wonder if he has had contact with ex-girlfriends. He would NEVER tell me that, I know, but make up another lie for his actions.I think CMMP 15 September 2014 post is right that your boyfriend needs to see a behavioral therapist to get to the root of his lying and why he can't be upfront with you and it may not just be you, but other people that he lies to as well, so don't think it is only you that he is lying too.Frankly, I am getting tired of playing detective and being led to believe one thing when it isn't true at all.I can't take anything he says to me at face value anymore.It might be time for me to move on.You will have to decide if you want to stay or move on as well.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (15 September 2014):
Some people have an addiction to lying. It's a defense mechanism left over from childhood.
You should encourage him to see a behavioral therapist. Or just accept that this is who he is.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 September 2014):
 There are times when a lie (a "fib") is appropriate.... Like when a woman asks her husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
THEN there are "genuine" lies... like when a guy tells you that he's going to get the oil changed.. and spends the day with his ex-.
YOU have to decipher B/F's "lies" and see if they are "fibs".... or, if they're the "real thing."
If the former, then stay with him and learn how you (BOTH of you) can, and should, address them.
If the latter..... then decide if you want to continue to hang out with a liar.... or would be better suited with someone who is not so loose with the truth....
Good luck...
...............................
|
