A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I am married with two children ( one is now in heaven). My husband is a good man. He works two sometimes three jobs so I can go to school and not have to work. He's a good man. He knows his responsibilitys and lives up to the. But when we first got to tether things were not so good. After dating for three months I found out he was married and his wider was two months pregnant. Of course I ended things. But a week later I found out I was also pregnant. So him and I sat down and had a serious talk. He wanted to leave his wife and be with me. Although that is not something I ever seen myself agreeing to I took him up on the offer. I didn't want my baby to not know a two family home. During my pregnancy he was living win me but I would disappear sometime and I know he was with her. I after with him because I was 19 and scarred to be a single mom. At one point I put my foot down and he stopped. We worked through things. It took a long time. It was a lot of pain. But fast forward 5 years to now I find my self angery and hurt. I can't stand being a round the child that was conceived when we were dating. I hate being a step mom. Im humiliated when I have to explain that my daughter and my step daughter are only three months apart. I hate when him and his ex work together as parents. I hate hate his ex. Not because its his ex.just because of the way things have gone down. I enjoy knowig they struggle. She getting welfare and can't find a good man. Anyways I feel mixed up because I do feel guilty for not liking a .child, my daughters sister. I sometimes wonder if I should leave him because its not fair to my step daughter that I can't stand looking at her. Its not fair to me that after five years it still hurts. I feel bafor my now husbad cause he is now a good man. We go to church every sunday and he has changed a lot. But do I leave him for something that happened so long ago? Something that I agreed to work through? I married him knowing the facts. But atwhat point do I deside that this is not working for me and the visitation days are just to painful? Should I leave him or not?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I posted the last answer.
Sorry, I did not know the situation about his ex-wife and she is not right for saying such cruel things to you. All I was saying that two wrongs don't ever make a right, so don't reciprocate her hatred and turn it on her little girl, even though she does it to you. That precious little girl is going through more than I could have every imagined. Sigh.
I suggest leaving and starting anew. It would be best for you and the others involved. You are young and you have been through a lot. I hope it doesn't sound like I was condemning you, because I wasn't. I am just as human as you are.
I am still worried about your stepdaughter; she's going to have a hard life with a BIOLOGICAL mother like that. If you could find it in your heart to do something for that little girl...she will suffer under the care of such an unfit mother..
If you are harboring feelings of resentment for your husband, then it seems that there is nothing left to do but leave.
You're right, this is the situation that you are in and you have to live with your decisions and the consequences to those decisions.
Do not be ashamed. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Forgive his ex-wife. Move on and grow from this experience. Go to http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y004.html and read about it.
I wish you best of luck and I hope I didn't sound too judgmental. You really are in my prayers, even though I don't know you. God bless.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): As I said there's more to this story. His ex is not a good person (that doesn't make it right, and I don't feel that because of the situation). She is a bad mother she drinks and partys around her kids and she has even trued killing her self in front of them (she was hospitalized but didn't get them taken away because ny has a horriable family court system).. she tells my step daughter bad hints about my daughter and lies about her father. Also she tells her daughter she doesn't have to listen to my husband or me. She also makes up lies and tells my husbands family. All the money she gets from child support so we have to but clothes and food for my step daughter but she throws then out anyways. She alsway sayog that my daughter should die and that she happy my son died. They were only married three months ( im not saying that makes it better but it is a fact). She also cheated on ny husband and there's a possiblity my step daughter is not really my step daughter (but she kind looks like my husband). He is looking into a dna test. And I am a human. I have feeling and they r real. I was in a hard spot and made what I flight was the best choice for my daughter... but facts are facts this is where I am now. Oh and my husbad WAS a bad man but he has done alot of thing to better him self and is not the man he used to be. People can change ( its rare but it happens). No one has answer my question... should I leave my husband for re sake of his daughter? Should I start fresh and not be haunted by his past? I am young and I don't want to spend my life feeling resentment but also not sure it leaving my husbad is right... oh and the reason I haven't talked.to my husband about my feeling is not to keep peace but because I am ashamed of the way I feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): That poor baby girl. I know you think you are able to hold in your feeling but you said it yourself, they are coming back.
How old is your stepdaughter? Whether or not you believe you are doing a good job of masking your feelings, your stepdaughter will notice your favoritism for your own daughter and ask why and one day, out of anger, you will tell her that she is not your daughter and your worst fears will be realized; you have scarred a little girl for life.
Hate is not good. You have no right to hate his ex. You simply projecting your feelings of guilt onto her and turning it into resentment. The hard truth is that YOU WERE THE OTHER WOMAN and she was his wife, WHETHER OR NOT YOU KNEW.
I wanna know why you enjoy seeing them struggle. There aren't together anymore. They need to work together for the sake of your stepdaughter. Do you WANT your stepdaughter to not only have to deal with YOU resenting her for something that YOU did AND not have a relationship with her own mother as well?
I wish you hadn't married him. What a mess. And if you think a good man is one who cheats on his pregnant wife, then leaves her for another woman he impregnated, then you need to reevaluate what you are looking for in a man. I am hurting for you because I know what could happen. In a couple of years, he could do to you what he did to his wife and it will devastate you.
A good man IS NOT one who has all the right words or all the right moves. A good man is NOT one who knows he can smile at you and make you forget your troubles or forget why you are angry with him. A good man is not one with all the money you will ever need. A good man will not try and charm his way out of situations. A good man is not one who sneaks around, but comes back to you eventually. A good man is not one who goes to church to feel better about what he has done to the hearts and souls of four people in his life (you, his ex, and his two daughters). A GOOD MAN IS NOT ONE THAT YOU HAVE TO HIDE THINGS FROM TO KEEP THE PEACE.
You and his ex do deserve better, whether or not you want to hear it. Do not resent his wife. You took from her what was hers so why are you mad at her? Do not resent your stepdaugther. She is an innocent, beautiful gift from our Father above. She did not get you pregnant by a married man; YOU DID. Since you are in this, you MUST LOVE THAT GIRL LIKE YOUR OWN.
Forgive yourself, lovely girl. You will find that this ill-placed resentment will begin to fade. Since you are going to church, invest in a relationship with Jesus Christ. I know it sounds so cliche, but it will be the best investment of your life. Please don't write me off as some Jesus freak or old weirdo, I am a young college-age girl who was lost and now is found. Just try it, please. NO ONE IS EVER TURNED AWAY FOR BEING UNFORGIVABLE, BUT NO SIN IS UNFORGIVABLE.
Best of luck to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): There more to this story then I can type. I was in a very difficult spot. I didn't know he was married. And trust me ifi did I wouldn't have been dating him. But also my obligations was to my unborn baby not to his wife. At that point no options were good. Yes I did make my choice. And I did not break up their marriage my husband did. I didn't ask him to leave her. And I ended things as soon I I found out. And my husband pays child support. In fact he pays a lot. And I treat my step daughter very well and with tons of respect. The feels I have for her are held inside. I haven't even expressed these feeling my husband because I know its easy to misunderstand my feelings. I know its not right to dislike her. I am ashamed of it. I want to love her, I want to have a good relationship with her. I have been trying to move past these feelings and it seem like there's time when I think they are gone but they come back. And the reason I question leaving my husband is not because of him or because of me but because it is not fair to my step daughter to have a stepmom with resentment. Im not a bad person. I feel horrible that's why im looking for advise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 I think you already know that it is unfair and irrational
hating your stepdaughter because of something your husband and YOU have done. You knew you were dating a married man and while eventually everything ended up well, at least for you , well...when you sail certain seas you catch certain kind of fish.
I think you'll just have to learn living with your negative feelings and accepting that generally there is a price to pay for getting what we want,- and this is your price. I recommend you of course to watch very carefully your actions and words when you interact with your stepdaughter, because she really should not suffer at all
for the circumstances in which she was born.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): You should focus your resentment on your husband not the child. I can understand why you feel this way, the child is a constant reminder of your husband lies and selfishness. But like someone else said, he was married to this woman and got her pregnant. They were MARRIED. You were the other woman who got knocked up and ruined his ex marriage and chance of having her husband and father of her child under her roof. This is all your husband fault. Leave him? well you should done that years ago, is there any point complaining now?
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (5 December 2010):
Not much you can do but accept the choices you made. What your husband done as good as you think he is I would take issues with. I maintained two household and not one penny ever can from tax payer to support my responsibilities as a father. I think he needs to do the right thing and support his kids even if he has to get four jobs. I think you’re resenting the wrong person, she had nothing to do (stepdaughter) with this and one day you will regret these feelings. The one you need to be resentful to (Husband) you’re not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): You can't stand looking at a child that was conceived while you were dating? Seriously? THEY were married at the time, you were the one who was dating a married man. And now you are married to that man, and maybe HIS ex wife can't stand the fact that he had child with another woman while THEY were married. Grow up. It's not the child's fault. You made your bed and now you have to lay in it.
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