A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 17, im a virgin, and I have recently found out my girlfriend is not a virgin. She is my first 'real' girlfriend and our relationship is starting to get more physical. We both love eachother, but my problem is, is that I can't stand it that she is not a virgin. When I found out I couldnt believe it. And to make it worse I know the guy she lost it to and I compleatly hate him. I couldnt believe she actually saw something in this guy. After finding out I honestly felt like breaking up with her. The next day I compleatly ignored her and was going to keep on untill her friend told me that by doing so I made her cry and she was really worried about us. So this made me realize that she really does care about me and loves me. I never did tell her what was going on or why i ignored her. Sence then ive been acting like everything is fine, when really im going crazy in my head. I feel like if i wasnt a virgin this wouldnt matter that much, but because i am, and that losing your virginity is a big deal to me, it does. Like I have always thought that I would lose it to another virgin and if I lose it to my girlfriend im worried that it wont be as special, and that im missing out. I realy do love her, and would hate to lose her, but I just dont know what to do.. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): The fact that you hate her previous BF is telling. You aren't just bothered by her sleeping with her ex, you are bothered by the fact that she would date him in the first place.
I think the virginity thing is where your energy is getting concentrated and focused to a painful point. I think the energy itself is coming from a deeper mismatch between you and your GF.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): My advice to you is to leave her now before the relationship develops any further. The way you feel about wanting a virgin is part of your value system. This issue will always stand between the two of you. It will cause a breakdown in trust and no relationship can work without this crucial ingredient.Seeing that you are still a virgin I would suggest that you look for a virgin. Don't go deflower a virgin to get even with your current gf and then want to marry her. Think how you then messes up the life of the virgin you are deflowering. Then you are not any better than the jerk who dfeflowered your gf.Good Luck. I hope this helps.T
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A
male
reader, truelover  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 Your feelings have to do with the fact that you have certain values (when it comes to the question of with whom, where and how you have sex) that are different from those of your present girlfriend.Values are decided by each individual, and so only YOU can decide how important this is and whether you're willing to compromise. For instance, there are people whose values in everything change all the time, and others who wouldn't change some of their values or certain "ways of thinking" for all their life.Ask yourself certain probing questions like what would you have done if you'd known about this before you became involved, how much does this girl love and care about you and whether you'd be able to move forward in the relationship with her without any kind of resentment about this (this would be unfair to her as well as yourself). Each person who lives by their values is absolutely entitled to expect someone who shares and lives those same values.Although, I'm from a different country and so without a great idea of how things w.r.t. dating happen in the US, I still think that this problem is a wonderful opportunity for you to gain clarity about your values w.r.t relationships and dating.It's important to know what your values are, what things in life are important to you so that you can pursue what you want.Be honest and don't let peer pressure or society cloud what you truly want.Wish you the best in life.Please don't be
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): What the guy "should" feel does not have the slightest thing to do with what he has been feeling or what he will continue to feel in the future.
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A
male
reader, turbine +, writes (6 November 2010):
What happened in the past should be left in the past. If she's good and you love her then these things should not bother you. If she's totally into you now then you should not be worried. And remember...she'll always appreciate the fact that you love her even then and don't try to make things even by having sex by someone else now. That'll ruin your relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Laura has good advice exept for one thing. When is the last time anything good was said about a guy who wants to know a girl's history? Most of the advisors on a website like this would be the first ones telling a girl to run fast from any guy who asks these kinds of questions. At the very least the guy will get tried and convicted of having a double standard (even if he is a virgin.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): This question page just makes me sad.
Not because of how the questioner is feeling about virginity. I'm more sad because of what kind of answers he is getting. There is very little good advice or human respect.
anonymous, look up the term "retroactive jealousy" on Dearcupid and other places. Be warned, you will have to wade through an unending river of angry people griping about stuff that happened 100s of years ago and griping about guys living by double standards you don't have. But there is some good advice in the mix if you look for it. Most people do not even try very hard to "get it" but a few people really do get it.
If I have one thing to contribute it's this: Do not expect this hurt to fade with time. It won't. Find a way to process and cope with it soon or else do not ever expect to stop living with the hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Hey my good man!
Head up. I was once in your shoes. In fact, I didnt even know the guy my ex last sleep with (she was a promiscuous woman) yet I still sent him death threats. Yes. I was that jealous and also a virgin at the time.
Focus on the big picture here pal. She doesnt even care about that other guy and all she wants to be with is you. Plus a little experience at your age can be fun and guess what...she gets to use that on you!! Her past led her to you bud so why fret? Forget about the other loser...he's not worth your time, emotion, or energy! Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (4 November 2010):
 You can either get your head out of the 18th century, accept her for what she is and love her like she deserves OR let it torture your mind and hers for as long as your relationship lasts. Your choice, really. I'll just add that if it was your girlfriend asking this question on this forum I'd be recommending that she end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Get over it, if you can't then find a virgin galfriend to loose it to. It is sickining that women can without any trouble loose their virginity to a a male who has banged a million gals before but men find it "traumatising" to loose it to a momen who has done it before. So you get over it very soon or leave your galfrnd for a man who is matured enough and will love her for who she is not what she is.
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