A
female
age
30-35,
*iddlybid
writes:im thinking i really need some advice from someone who isnt a family member and can see this from my p.o.v, ive been with my now fiancee for 2 years he has 4 kids from a previous marriage. i already set myself up as this guy is 35 and i am 22, he has 2 girls and 2 boys. his ex wife walked out on him for another woman and left all 4 (the youngest was 18 mths)kids with him and moved an hour away, no contact or anything, and then a year later she came back and took the two youngest (both boys) with her to live with this other woman. i got together with him a year after this all happened and i think i moved too fast, we were practically living together within three months as soon as my mum found this out she packed up all my things to put the room to a "better use". i was quite happy with his kids every weekend the girls would go to wales and the following weekend the boys would come here to stay friday 4pm until sun 3pm. these kids were no more badly behaved than the average child until about 6 months into the relationship, the second eldest started whinging all the time we couldnt even sit at the table for dinner without a meltdown. i should have ran when this started happening and everything has just got worse from there they lie, steal, go through my things and take them whilst im at work they're rude, my family cant get on with any of them which means doing things with my own family now is completely out of the question. my fiancee has a new job and starts at 4am he doesnt get home until tea time which means im left looking after someone elses children all day and they absolutely hate me!!!! they come in dont speak to me im just expected to fetch them dinner and the rest of everything they get handed on a plate, im always told they dont want to go to their mums they dont like it they're not treated well when really they have the best time ever all two faced lies! they went down on one of their b'days and we'd already told them what they were getting from me and she went down there and her mum bought her everything i had, everything is behind my back whether i say its wrong or not, i constantly go round cleaning up after them plus a dog and a cat. that drive me insane im thankful to work all nights all weekend for a break no kids thank god but this now is causing strain on my relationship, i want to work full time and have a career but i cant i feel like i have to be here because these two kids have no common sense and cant be trusted to do anything, stupid things like topping up my mouthwash then lying about who did it and they never touched it and still they wont say what was in it what if i had drank it and gotten ill! there is no consequence for anything in this house and when i say whats up its me who is the wicked stepmum with the biggest problem going he doesnt like telling them off through fear of upsetting them which he has openly said and as a result they speak to him like hes something horrible that they've stepped in, me and my fiancee do nothing its all what about them "are they not coming" which then results in a shed load of time and money thats just wasted because i ball my eyes out and just want to shut myself away. they have no respect for anyone or anything my money is spent constantly replacing school shoes, trousers which they cut up and ruin for fun but then of course they get to pick their new shoes and clothes which i think is totally wrong. the other issue is resentment i hate thier mother and him for having all those children she then decided that 4 was enough of course she wouldnt get sterilised so he had a vasectomy meaning i cant ever have a family of my own and that was all i ever wanted out of life (im a carer for my disabled mum and youngest brother). he says we can go through routes to have a child but we never speak of it and i think its all talk. hes done his life achievments and im just waiting on the side watching mine pass me by. his mum doesnt want to help to us and my mum wont help she hates his children they're rude and never speak to her yet she has taken them on holiday cost free and is always trying to make the effort with them. im stuck in the middle, i was very close to my nan i saw her everday and always chatted to her she never judged me just tried to help and i got on better with her than my mum but she died last xmas two days before my birthday, i feel like ive been left alone in the middle to sort this. i absolutely adore this guy and would do anything for him and this is why im trying to put this past me and get on but i cant live like this any longer i cry myself to sleep (im not sure whether this is grief or what) keep the curtains shut i dont go out, i dont want to take them with me and i cant trust them to stay at home. my brothers wont come and see me and they dont want his kids in their house because all they do is slag it off, its like nothing is ever good enough for them. my youngest brother has Downs Syndrome and my fiancees eldest child is very very nasty to him all the time to the point where my brother wont even sit by her anymore each time i think about leaving i cant imagine my life without him and the resentment starts all over again if he had no kids we'd be perfect i dont know if i need help or medication! lol someone help me!!!!
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a break, at work, disabled, ex-wife, fiance, his ex, money, on holiday Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): Run for the hills kiddo!
This man, his wife and his 4 kids are a walking nightmare.
I am normally very sensitive when it comes to kids and always try to give them the benefit. I don't blame u for all this resentment. They will drive a sane person insane.
Maybe when this older guy is at work, kids gone as well, pack up all your belongings and then duck. Do not leave a return address.
You are not a slave or a free baby sitter. If they appreciated you, its one thing but they are bad tempered and spoilt.
You slog for 4 kids who are not yours and in the long run, u cannot have kids with him bec of his vasectomy.not fair!
However, stop moping about, dry those tears and go live your life. You deserve happiness kid .
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): oh darling wat a situation to be stuck in! Now, I am the same age as you and I cant imagine having four of my own children forget four of someone elses!Firstly u need to have a serious discussion with your partner here. U dont want an argument ur life sounds too full of those as it is. He needs to spend more time with his kids and he is the natural parent and needs to disapline his kids better. You need him to realise how serious this is to u and that you are concidering leaving if he doesnt start doing something.Discuss with him, that he could reduce his working hours to alow you to get a part time job it wud mean you share the work load both waysYou need to sit down with each child when they alone so they aint got eachother as backup and tell them u want to have a grown up talk with them. Ask them what makes them fell sad? And when they tell u tell them that, that is how you are feeling at the moment partly because your nan died and partly because when they are naughty it makes u feel worse.It may not work strait away but may make them think twice before doin something that effects u directly.Now i work with people that have autism and other dissabilitys so to hear that they bully ur brother is upsetting. But it probably comes from fear of not knowing why. Sit down with your partner and them and explain what downs syn. Is and mayb get them a book to explain better? Im sory if uv already tried any of this but i dunno wat else u cud do apart from leave which uv said isnt an option. Best of luck hunny xxx
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 now you know why his wife left. This is far too big a burden for you.
Plus you are still getting over the grief at losing your Nan. Which would not be easy.
Your Mom is smart to keep her distance from these rudderless children. She is possibly hoping that you will see the light too.
I bet this guy is lovely to you. Why wouldn't he be nice. You taking care of things he out to be taking care of.
They are his children and he is taking no responsibility for them at all.
There is no respect for you. And their behavior undermines you at every turn. You are being treated as unpaid nanny/un-paid baby sitter/FWB.
You are not even able to have much of a life together.
He leaves home at 4am and arrives back at tea time? Are you sure he has not got someone on the side? Or is he just leaving early and coming home late to avoid the mayhem?
And he does not like to tell them off? Sometimes a parent has to do what a parent needs to do. And that is setting boundaries and consequences.
No doubt the kids just want to make you feel excluded. But your guy does nothing.
What does his backbone consist of - jello?
The children might even hold the delusionaal idea that if they are nasty enough to you that you will go and their Mom will come back.
Next time you get the chance ask your Mom if you could come back home to live, alone.
Sorry, but he's not being fair to you, and maybe never will stand up for you. He will also deny you the chance to have your own family.
And make you feel like an old woman before your time. These children will get increasingly worse, girls are often more of a handful than boys. And their Mom knew this.
You will end up depressed and unable to
go on living in this undisciplined zoo.
You deserve more happiness than this.
Certainly do not announce that you are going. Or it is likely that the children will be spiteful in the extreme.
Wait until one weekend day when the girls are in Wales and he is out with the boys during a weekend. Pack up your things, switch your phone off. Leave nothing of yours behind and just leave.
You will possibly not get back in, even if you tried
if he comes looking for you, do not wilt under any guilt trip he dumps on you. The children are solely his responsibilty, not yours.
Tell him to learn to discipline his children, teach them respect and manners and boundaries and consequences. If he can't do that then it's goodbye.
Imagine the peace and calm once you leave. Time to enjoy life which is what should be happening at your age.
I know you think he's a lovely guy, but you may see a nastier side when you stand up for yourself. That's not OK. But if you look like not returning to his circus you can bet he will find another new girl willing to be his unpaid babysitter
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 The most important thing is if you love him enough to not have any more children. Those children are innocent. They did not come to this life just to cause you and his ex wife trouble. You can be a good model and teach them good manners but when you do it, your tone has to be firm, and not tired or defeated. Kids like to test you when they see that you are new. I know a lot of people who work late night with kids, but that person won't be me. I need my energy for my son. Try if you can change your work schedule and put the kids in daycare. Having 4 children doesn't mean you watch your life passing by. I don't think your boyfriend just expects you to be a babysitter in his life. Talk to him about what you want for a career maybe he might even help you with that if you show him that you love him enough and would stick to him no matter what.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): leave him if your not happy then just go
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A
female
reader, runforfun +, writes (21 February 2011):
Im the first aswerer
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): At 22 you are very young having to deal with all of this. He should realise that too and help and support you. As much as you love this guy you really have to decide what sort of life you are going to have with him. His children and to a certain extent his ex wife will always be in your life. You will have problems having your own children. It is your life, don't waste it, think very carefully about what you want and at 22 you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't settle for something that is not in your long term best interests here. Sometimes you just have to think what is right for YOU and not fit into a situation that is always going to be difficult.
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