A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have difficulty trusting men. I know its lame but I have had REALLY bad relationships in the past and well I am trying to be better about it now. My new bf is a great man or so I think. He decided to just move in with me just recently cos he is happy with how we are getting on. Anyway I don't get how he flirts with other women and although I shouldn't have, I was fixing his computer yesterday to see what he really thought of me. I repaired it but stupidly looked at his mail while I was fixing his machine. The girl before me who they ended up not dating but were going to sort of thing. He had written he is 'in a relationship' with me on facebook once we hooked up. She sent him an email saying congrats on the new relationship etc. He said thanks but its a struggle. He said he could be her wing man if she wanted a friend from now on. (OUCH) Why did he say it was a struggle if we are now living together??? I know I shouldn't have read his mail but that was just to see if I could trust in him or not for the future and to get over my own problem with men and trusting them. I feel he is keeping her as a backup option in case it doesn't work out with me...after all why be her wing man?? ANYWAY she deleted him off her Facebook once he said he was in a relationship with me and I think at the time that bothered him and he said she deleted him just like that. I said don't worry..just be happy. I thought if I saw his mail at the time, then I would know what he really thought of me and well I would know if I had any female competition in the background too - I guess not that it matters as he is living with me now but I did that so that I could have trust in him as I have struggled to trust partners in the past especially ones who ended up living with me. As you know, trust takes time and well I am now struggling to trust him after accidentally reading that. I now wish I hadn't. Please can someone tell me what this means? Should I turn a blind eye to it after all I was not supposed to see it and secondly I feel bad anyway - he is living with me now and well as long as that works I shouldn't really care as he said that before he moved in with me..right?? but we were good even then and it wasn't a struggle at all. I don't know if he just said that to her at the time to make her feel better and keep her as a backup...??? but why would he disrespect me behind my back if we were getting on fine at the time???
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): OP that's bad news if he was still doing this 5 months into your relationship and please try not to excuse his actions by saying he did it because you started off slowly and were cautious about the whole thing. That's normal and healthy, and in that situation he should have been trying harder to gain your trust not keeping his options open.
I'm sorry to say it but that's pretty bad. No matter how slowly or cautious you were he continued playing around with other girls 5 months into your relationship and then after ye made it official she deletes him off facebook, that sounds like he was stringing her along because as soon as she saw that she got pissed and deleted him.
Forgive me for saying this but the whole situation of him moving in is a bit strange for me, besides it being kind of soon in my opinion. Something about it feels off. I mean you didn't do anything for months, which as I said is fine, but then when you do start to progress he moves in almost straight away. Plus it sounds like he's been pushing to move in for a few months now. That's very weird, no offence but I can't get my head around that because your relationship only just progressed to the next level and only when you said he could move in it seems. I just think it's strange that you took things so slowly at the start only to throw caution to the wind and let him move in so quickly. Now you find out he's been messing around with another woman and keeping his options open.
Sorry but I'm still finding it hard to figure out what the whole deal with him pushing moving in with you after 4-5 months of being together is. I don't know maybe that's how you've always done it. I only find it strange because it takes me years to do that and usually it just happens naturally too, neither one of us push for it to happen life just makes it the best option, but you make it sound like this guy wasn't going to commit until you agreed to let him move in. I wonder if there was another reason, like he was living with his mother or he couldn't afford the rent in his own place. It's very strange to push such a huge step as moving in so early with a person who is taking things slow as it is.
You have every reason to be concerned OP, he was keeping his options open for 5 months, for 5 months he kept a back up girl that would be a deal breaker for me. Because it would make me wonder who really was the backup or whether he was with her too at the same time because that's what it sounds like to me. Perhaps you were just the first one to agree to let him move in with her maybe if she agreed to let him move in then he'd have left you. You know?
As I said don't worry about the snooping thing, don't worry about seeming paranoid because you know what? Paranoia is when you imagine things that aren't happening, you're not imagining this and he has a lot of explaining to do OP. This is not right at all, he spent 5 months of your relationship keeping another girl on tap and who knows how far he went with her.
That's not acceptable at all in my opinion, think of what you would do in his situation OP. Would you keep another guy going just because you were unsure of what was going to happen with him? No, you'd dedicate all your love, time and effort to proving to him that you deserve to be with him right? That's what you want from a partner too isn't it? Someone who will fight to be with you, someone who wants you and only you, I mean how does that make you feel that he could so easily have another girl on the side all the time keeping her going while seeing what would happen with you? I hate to break it to you OP but you know the phrase "you're the one" there's no such phrase as "ye're the two" is there? Yeah because that's not on.
OP you're not a bunny boiler and don't for one second let him turn this around on you. He's the one who played you and this other girl for 5 months. He has some explaining to do, you need to be open and honest and find out what the hell he was playing at. Don't let him deflect it either, if he uses the excuse that "you should trust him" or "you shouldn't have been snooping" then that's not an answer OP. He needs to explain exactly what he did and why he did it.
Before you ask him anything though, you really need to figure out whether this acceptable to you first. You seem to kind of brush it off like it was nothing because you hadn't lived together at that stage, does that really make it okay for you OP? Or are you just trying to rationalize it because you really care for this guy and hope it means nothing?
Please, think back to your past bad relationships, did you use a similar kind of logic to find ways of rationalizing their bad behaviour too? If so how did that work out for you?
So figure out what him doing that truly means to you, because for me that would be a deal breaker, more that 2/3's of your relationship there has been another person. That's not something I could live with, that's not a person I would trust at all. To me there would be no excuse for that nothing in my mind would make that okay, but it's not my opinion that matters here, it's yours so if that's something you can live with then just ignore me.
Finally though, don't be afraid to talk to him and bring this up with him, he's your boyfriend remember? and you live with him so you shouldn't ever fear bringing up any topic with him. If you can't be completely open and honest with him, if you're afraid to talk this guy about stuff then why are living with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks..ok here is the update: We have been together 6 months - so by month 7 he wanted to move in and well cos it has been going so well I agreed. The email in question was two months ago...so when we were about month 5 into things...I didn't do anything with him for a v long time. I held out and stuff. I never do anyway. I guess I am just a bit paranoid. yes he is that type of guy has always liked the attention of other women. I find it hard to know if he is just merely being friendly or flirting. At month 5, he wasn't sure if I would let him move in with me so I guess he kept his back up options then...according to his e-mails that is what he did. The relationship has just really started in terms of him moving in with me..and its going well for now. I just wish I hadn't read that. So kinda kicking myself. How can I talk to him about this?? then he will know I snooped in his e-mail and will think I am some sort of bunny boiler..you get me. I would like to address it..then last night he goes oh I hope you never break up with me..cos he prob figured I was thinking such a thing by keeping my distance from him!
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Before you take everything negatively in his messages. A wingman is a male friend who accompanies less attractive women to parties, to help them get dates, because an attached woman is suddenly more valuable and that makes men want to compete for her. It's a struggle, that may mean that now he's living with you, he may find it hard to go to parties anymore because you have boundaries. She is not a backup, he's just very buddy buddy with women. It's good that he deleted her. That could be a way of saying he's not into partying anymore because he has you.When he decided to move in with you, you said suddenly and because it's time. Did he ever tell you he loved you and want to spend the rest of his life with you? It was just Valentine's Day a few days ago. That was the perfect opportunity to say it. Do you think he would ever say it? Even if he couldn't, could you feel his love?You can never trust anybody but yourself. Other people are variables. You have to trust yourself so much that no matter what happens you have that inner strength to guide you along. God brought him to your life for a lesson. Trust that decision and just focus on how he's treating you right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): You call him your new boyfriend, how new if you don't mind me asking? How long ago was this email?
These are important details because at the start of a relationship things can be different, maybe he was keeping his options open with her at the start and is not anymore, maybe when things were still casual between you and then he was still keeping her around but maybe now he's not.
You see this would be worrying if your relationship is still new but I assume it's not if you're now living together.
Don't turn a blind eye to it at all, your past relationships should have thought you that is never a good idea. Is this something to be concerned about? Yeah it is, it's something you should discuss with him don't be afraid of the whole snooping thing, don't let him turn that against you. Curiosity got the better of you and you're sorry you did but you need to clear this up.
Is he still openly flirting with girls? Is he just that type of guy? Because if so then there may be more trouble ahead for you OP because that will be a problem for you, especially seeing as you already have trust issues. Talk to him, see what he says. That's all you can do.
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