A
female
age
41-50,
*retty in pink 20 oct
writes:Hi, i am 27 yrs old and recently moved from Poland to the UK with my boyfriend. We know each other since children but become boyfriend and girlfriend two half years ago. When we arrive we get job together at same place. We live with man in shared house. We have big room and i am happy in this place. My boyfriend he love computer games and spend no time with me at all. He is 25 but i think he act like only 10 yrs old. Tom, man who owns house knows i am bored and we meet sometimes for drink and food. Tom has fallen in love with me and i like him a lot. My boyfriend is more like little brother. i care about him but not love him no more. He does not treat me like a woman, i have no respect for him no more. Tom buys me gifts and is a gentman to me in all ways. He say i am special person and deserve to enjoy life. We laugh and go places, it is good fun. I want Tom to do it with me but we don't because boyfriend still with me and i not a bad person. Boyfriend driving me crazy each day sat in front of tv screen with psp2. i cannot send boyfriend home and he will never have money to move to new place in england cos of money he spend on games. i want to be with tom but do not want to hurt boyfriend. please give advice, thank you
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 Just remember this. Whatever issues you have that could have had some cause in this relationship with your boyfriend changing, you also bring to the new one.
Don't take that lightly, or you'll find after a few failed relationships which ones they are. We're sometimes blind to our own faults, until history repeats its self over and over again, then it's time to take a good hard look.
A
female
reader, pretty in pink 20 oct +, writes (4 November 2007):
pretty in pink 20 oct is verified as being by the original poster of the question i do not think my problem just start when i come to England. Because we know each other since children, boyfriend always been around.He only move in with me 2 yrs ago because he had no money. He come to my bed but there is no passion for me or from me. It was just sex and i think of other things when doing it. I not let him touch me now for 4 weeks but still not go. In the past we go out and do things but my heart is not with he. When i meet with Tom he treat me like a lady and make me feel special inside. I want everything with tom but boyfriend not go so no hapiness for me.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 November 2007):
What have you done to talk to your boyfriend. I can really understand your situation. I haven't played games for a long time, but when Super Mario 3 came out. A friend of mine and I spent 14 hours learning each level in how to clear it. This was done while my girlfriend was in "false" labor. Every time she had a pain, the game went on pause and checking on her. The game kept me awake to watch over her because I was going to have my first child.
I can understand because you're partially at fault. I know what you're saying "say what". It's true. We teach people how to treat us. We have boundaries of how we choose to be treated, and sometimes when behaviors make a slight change it's so small we just readjust our boundaries to the lower level. After a while it happens again and again and again. Soon you have many small adjusted changes that take one huge form.
I don't know why he's acting like this. It almost seems like a form of escape. How was the move for him? Did he leave friends and family behind? How does he feel about that?
Spending that much time playing games looks as if he's not meaning to ignore you, but when their are hidden pains built up, we look for a way to consume our mind, or escape what's happened.
A quick example, but I'm proud of my progress. This isn't quite like your situation, but it will display how pain works. If you read many of my answers, you may find I'm down to earth. I mostly know what I talk about. I'm against poor treatment, and believe in families raising children, and am 100% against cheating.
I have narcolepsy, which is the severe desire to sleep. I good place to blame my own behavior until I visited with a counselor. All though I have narcolepsy I should still be up form a majority of the day with the level of medication I have been on.
I ended a relationship over a year ago, with a girl who has Border-line personality disorder. It's also known as the "Love/Hate" disorder. They absolutely adore you then 24 to 36 hours later, they hate everything about you and make you feel as if everything is your fault. (it got so bad, my daughter came in while I was sleeping, shook me, and when I looked at her she said "oh good she didn't stab and kill you". It's the same disorder they focused on when filming the movies "fatal attraction, and Hand that Rocks the Cradle" It was difficult.
Prior to this relationship, I was on back up lists as a replacement motivational speaker, and corporate trainer. I owned a home business and held a leadership position there.
Here's where I've made improvement. This pain, which I was blaming on narcolepsy was actually Major Depressive Disorder. Today my daughter and I went to the park, took a walk, watched the ducks, played on the swings, and it was wonderful, for the first time in 6 months that I left the house other than school and appointment I couldn't get out of. I went from taking one 1 hour nap to being awake and out of bed approximately 6 hours of the day. When I had no where I needed to be I was in bed sleeping, get up cook dinner, then back to bed.
Before you judge, I'd see if there is something alternative going on with him. One thing that I have noticed in dealing with people is how they actually feel a large amount of guilt if they break it off with someone to find it was a manageable disorder that was causing their behavior. You began with him for a reason, and have been friends for many years, if he hasn't always been like this, there's something other than just the way he is that's going on.
I agree you need attention, you deserve attention, and being treated like a women. Without being controlling or narcasistic, that's is something you can demand. It's the way you choose to be treated, and no one has the right to treat you any different than the way you choose to be. Just like they deserve to be treated a certain way as well, and it's not your right to lower the standards by the way they want to be treated.
You are a good person by not cheating. I commend you for recognizing that's not right behavior. People need to follow in those beliefs, because it's a sign of great character. It's like I've said before, I went through hell with the last relationship I was in, but I never once cheated. All though she was the way she was, a cheater is not who I am, no matter what my circumstances were. If I cheated then she lowered my standards of being because of her actions. I may be overcoming depression (tomorrow, we're going to the park to play tennis) but I'll be damned if I'll allow someone the power over me to lower my standards of who I am.
Remember people can cheat, they can rape, they can steal, they can destroy financial, but no matter what happens, you're still you, and that's something they can never take away from you.
I wish you the best, take care. I hope you enjoy living in the U.K. I'm looking forward to traveling and visiting that country in the next year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Ok, I hear your having problems to do with your boyfriend and such, maybe you should try talking with your boyfriend and asking him to go places with you because the love you felt for him at first is no longer there and he is acting more like a brother to you than a boyfriend. Maybe explain a little and see if he would take you places and spend more time with one another. If the bonding doesnt come back and that spark between you two is no longer there, then sit down with him and explain about the other man that you like.. Maybe help him come to reason
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