A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't seem to get over my first love. We've known each other since high school, we never were a couple. I was in love with him when he was not in love with me, then the tables turned several times during the course of what is now a 20-year relationship. I spent years pining after him and could not "get" him, we lived in separate countries and he went for another woman. I had no choice other than to drop my hopes of being together with him and soon thereafter met my now-husband. My husband is a caring, even-tempered, earnest man who is a wonderful father to our 2 young children. I wrangled with my feelings for my husband the first few years of our relationship because I never felt "in love" with him, yet our relationship worked well, we are a good team, but it was more a logical decision to remain with him. He is aware of this. I am still in contact with my first love, we still live in separate countries but email now and again in intense phases. I still think a lot about this man and what could have been, I feel I never got closure to our earlier chapter and find myself frequently fantasizing about what could have been. He is unmarried, no kids, and currently single. There is still (as always) an intense emotional attraction between us although we have not seen each other in person in 10 years. He would not want to break up my marriage and I would not dare to harm my kids in that way. I love my husband as a friend but very rarely feel attracted to him physically. He does not have the spontaneity and spark of my first love which I am missing and have been all along. I am generally happy in life but more and more frequently have phases of intense sadness at never having tried a relationship with my early love.How do I get closure on this old romance that never came to be?
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): I'm dealing with something slightly similar. Also married, and I love my wife dearly, but it's just ... different than the way I felt with my first love 10 years ago. Thought I was pretty much over it, then I recently found out she got married, and it threw me into a tailspin for some reason. I will never leave my wife. I just want to find a way to stop thinking about the ex and accept what happened.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Thank you for your responses. We have never discussed anything about getting together or anything like that. I don't talk much to him about my husband or kids, I try to keep a certain distance about that with him. So there is no intention on either side of making a move for each other.
I guess what I really wanted to know is:
- Will I ever get over him?
- How have others dealt with similar feelings?
- Would it be a good idea to get my feelings off my chest by talking with him about why it never came to be between us? I still don't have an answer to why it never happened back then, the feelings were there on both sides, it is still a mystery to me.
There is no danger of this breaking up my marriage. As sad as it makes me to be in a passionless marriage, I know that there are other wonderful aspects of my marriage that help even out the worse parts. My first love is an old-fashioned guy eith strong morals, he would never act in a way to jeapordize that and never has.
I guess what I want is to lay all the cards on the table with this man and then continue as honest and open friends. What do the men out there think of this idea? I've hinted to this man that there are things I would like to talk about, and he says he's open to talk but at the same time he is avoiding any talk of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Its very difficult getting over one's first love. There are some of the best memories of life associated with it...that warmth, that "feeling", that innocence, that charm...its magical. I'm sorry things didnt work out between you guys, but now you have a husband who's good to you and children who you love. You have to learn to accept things the way they are. You dont have to forget him...he will always be there in your memory as the most special man in your life, but just keep him that way. Maybe if you two had ended up together, it wouldnt have worked out and you wouldnt even have any memories to hold on to. Think of it in this way...whatever happens is for the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): First loves are very special. The feelings are so intense and generally start off when you are young and at that stage in your life where everything is new. Whether or not you had a full blown relationship - the result is the same. No one forgets that first person that tipped your live upside down. But what people find is that real life and relationships settle into something that works - but is more about being comfortable, getting on with life, dealing with kids and home, compromise. What you crave is that feeling that still takes you back to that early love, and of course it is still there in your heart. I know, as I have that exact same feeling. Because you are still in touch, that temptation is still there. In reality, you are torturing yourself with 'what ifs' and actually, there is no guarantee that the relationship that never happened back then, would happen this time. He hasn't expressed a strong desire for you to leave your husband according to your post. You could throw away a nice life for a dream. Be honest with yourself. It is all a bit of a pipe dream. Stick with the life you have. As I said, I still have strong feelings for someone I loved when I was 19, but I now have a lovely partner and children. Sometimes settling for real life is better than wishing life were different.
...............................
|
