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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi--I was looking for advice: I am seeing a great guy, but I can't stop memories of my ex from popping up and I keep on thinking of the past when I was with my manipulative ex and how much he hurt me. I lost my virginity to him and even though I am happy to be in a happy, healthy relationship now, I feel horrible thinking of how I gave my virginity to this guy that turned out to be such an awful person. Whenever my best friend mentions how she wnats to wait until she's married, it always makes me feel utterly horrible and as if she's rubbing salt into my open wound. Mainly the two things that are bothering me is that she seems to (although I know she doesn't mean to) keep on making me feel worse about it (I did tell her I had sex with him) and that memories of my ex and what happened between the two of us still keep on haunting me and making me feel worse and worse--it's been like a year since this whole thing happened with my ex--should I be over it by now? Is something wrong with me? Do you know how I can feel better about things? It seems like with every good thing I do or happens now, I still think back to what happened in the past and it makes me feel like I can't make good decisions or that I'm dirty or damaged or stupid. I noticed I had these feelings and memories of the past come back because this is the same time last year I was feeling the same way with my ex? How can I stop this from happening and affecting the relationship I have with both my best friend and my new bf? Thanks a lot
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (28 December 2005):
 I think we all carry past experiences with us. But that is why it is the past, it is behind us and hopefully we learn from it and not dwell on it.
You sound like a good person with a great head on her shoulders. Keep in mind the source of the problem, it wasnt you, it was him. It was your ex who treated you poorly, you deserved better, and you made a good decision to move on. You can feel better knowing that you have found someone you are happy with that treats you well. Concentrate on the future, keep moving forward and set some goals. You will find that you look less at the past.
I suggest you tell your bestfriend how her comments made you feel. Once she knows, if she is a true friend, she will apologize and not bring up the subject any further.
If she doesnt, then you dont need this type of friendship. Surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive.
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (23 December 2005):
 Hi dearie, i know how sad you must feel but dont let your bestfriend get you down. fine you have lost your virginity but you gave it to someone you felt you were in love with. That should make it better for you to accept.
I was engaged to be married and the date was already set. He was first and when i found he some things about him which was unacceptable i moved on.I had the same ideology with you but it doesnt make me feel sad no it made me stronger. you should know that not everything your plan happens that way. you dont even know if your friend will be able to keep to this.
I say be happy you now have a man worthy of being with you and you with him. Tell your friend that she doesnt make you happy saying things like that and i really dont feel you should be that bothered.concentrate on what you have with your new guy and relationship. Your ex and everything that happened should be in your past.with time your heart will amend.
Take care now. merry xmas and new ur.
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A
male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (23 December 2005):
 Ok here we go young lady. First your not stupid, damaged, or especially dirty. Let's just say that because if you are for loosing your virginity to someone else then what does that really say about the whole world. We all lose it sometime unless we are devote religious people who give it to GOD. Anyway, let's just say for the sake of discussion you can understand me on this one. I was in love and barely 16 with girl I was nuts for. I mean nuts for and Although I was not truly a virgin she was. I didn't know hardly anything about sex other that I had an older women take advantage of me. Anyhow; the point is that was 20 years ago and I'll tell you what; there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her once. Occasionally I run into her like every 5 years. We are stunned for that akward moment and don't really know what to say except. I still love you and she says the same but we have seperate and better lives. I don't think anyone ever forgets their first experience. I do mean ever. Some good some bad and who's to say your's wasn't. But one thing it wasn't; it wasn't YOUR FAULT. So stop beating yourself up over it. It does take two to make love unless your really freaky. This time of the year seems to bring out the best and the worst in everyone. I mean a simple song will send you plummeting toward memory lane. Memory lane will lead you to reminiscing. Every thing about this time of year brings the emotional level extremely high. So don't worry about it; I say that after you and your NEW BF get past the holidays around Janruary 15 things will definately perk up for you two. Valentines day is right after that and hopefully you will have developed a strong emotional connection with your BF and have a wonderful time. Then spring will come and everything will start to fall in place. The long walks together in the woods, picnics, Amusement parks opening. Try really super hard to just think about all the cool things your new BF does for you and with you. If you have trouble ( I actually did this) write down all of the things you love about your BF and read it daily. Add to it when needed. This ensures that your daily goal is to focus on what's really important which is why he's in your life now.
Now let's discuss that friend of your's. I have actually gotten to the point that if my friends tell me about a subject that eerks me, or really ticks me off. I stop them in their tracks and look them in the eyes and say"I may love you as my best friend, but I don't ever want to talk about this again." If they continue then I say I'll call them and usually it's 4 months later. To me a true friend can almost read your mind. They should be able to tell what saddens you and what makes you laugh. Never should a friend keep bragging about what they have material or physical. Those kinds of friends I could live without. Who care's if your richer than me or still a virgin; I chose a different path and guess what I'm still a wonderful person who likes life. Did you see the movie 40 year old virgin yet? Some people actually have waited that long and it's kinda sad to say that physically it put's a strain on their marraige if they have kids. I don't know about your friend but sex is great, precious and fun. Never should it hurt you or your partner. I don't ever want the fun things out of my life; and that's the truth. You sound like a very nice girl. Hopefully some of these suggestions will help. Good luck with love. Ed
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2005): All i have to say is that it does take time to get over things. Learn by your mistakes and just hold back for when the time is right and that special man comes along. Don't think that every realtionship is going to work out.You can talk to your best friend about it and tell her how you feel about this. But if I were you waiting until you are older and can realize the right time. Most of the men out there are asses anyway!!! LOL!!! Just try talking to your bff and leting her know your true feelings!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2005): Hey I might know how you feel. These kind of things just takes time a patience to get over and maybe if you dicussed how you feel about your ex to your best friend and boyfriend they mgiht be able to make things better.I was in this same situation last year. It just takes time to get over but in the long run you'll realize if he going to be an ass about it then maybe he's not worth it!!!!
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