A
male
age
36-40,
*oonkov
writes:Hi all,I've never dated before. I have asked out girls in the past (and got rejected obviously), and I've tried to work out what is wrong with me - the things that are making me undesirable - and I've pretty much got the jist of it. And what a long list it is.On the 'looks' side of things, I'm pretty average. I'm skinny, and armed with a largish nose. However, I've been complimented on my eyes quite a few times. On the personality side, I'm pretty easy going and I am funny every once in a while. Meeting new people is easy for me, but I don't do very well turning acquaintances into friends. I do well at university, but I don't do well in the social side of things.When I'm invited to a party, I'm always struggling to get pass the 'hey how are ya, where are ya from, what do you do with yourself' part. When we're all mingling, I can never find a way to become involved in conversations. And if it's with a girl - God help me. I only get through it all by sticking to one of my friends all night or by going outside and listen to music - alone. I can't get myself to be interesting.I follow my interests and passions. I'm into politics and have joined a political party. I'm a football referee on weekends, because I love football. I'm a patriotic Australian, so I've booked an interview to join the Army Reserves. I hate public transport, so I bought an old motorbike and I'm on my Ls. I do karate because, well, it gets me away from my troubles for an hour each week. I'm sure I know what I should be doing to put myself out there. I should continue pursuing my interests and hobbies, keep on meeting new people in lectures, keep the faith, work on my insecurities so I can be a confident, outgoing, happy and secure person that would make me attractive.But after a couple of years working to better myself, I still cannot see light at the end of the tunnel. And it's really tearing me apart.My closest friends have no trouble at all with dating. One, in particular, has been in a relationship for four years. And the girls that I do get along quite well with - well - they're all already taken or are not interested in me.As I sit here typing this, I cannot help but become overwhelmed with frustration at my inability to be as good as any other guy on the dating scene. Especially my friends. I feel so bloody inadequate. I want to cry, but I can't. And all I can think of is all those times when I've seen other people hook up right before my eyes and feel happy for them, but pissed off with myself.What do I do? A part of me wants to give up. Just crawl into a shell, become a priest, or anything else to avoid continuing to feel this way. But I can't because I don't quit. So I guess I'm stuck being a lonely, lonely spirited in the crowd.Please help me.
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male
reader, Yep  +, writes (10 January 2010):
Hi there. Hope you alright. I came across your post and red it through thinking about what could be wrong. I am not a doctor or psychologist in any way but I have some experience or should I say met people who were or are in same situation.In your case could be just simple social phobia which preclude you from open conversation or engagements in others conversation including girls. That doesn't mean you are not intelligent or creative. Now as well I could be wrong but here is what I would suggest if I may.Let say you are not going to ask professional help (recommended but if you don't feel comfortable it's ok)just stick to a simple things. Instead of answering questions ask some. Listen what they have to say. This can give you some lines, clues, how to respond. If you get approach don't worry cause it will not show that you are worry and feeling not comfortable. It is all in your mind. Yes it is real but your body language will not show it. Many people will never ever know. So just relax. Do breading exercise that would help to bring calm. Girls, well that is a bit harder or it actually could be easier. Since you not so sure what to say turn it to your advantage ask question and listen. I am sure you will get some opinions. Simplify it. Ask or answer in simple sentences. Eventually you will get better and become good conversationalist. Have you try to do paintings? Remember it doesn't have to look like the real object you are painting. Colours and brush strokes should represent you feelings, emotions. When you finish try to read it. Analyze what and why. This could help you to understand. I amy not explain or help here but I believe you will over come it just don't give up. Keep engaged involved. Just take it slowly. If it gets very bet get some professional help. Don't be ashamed of it. you are not the only one with this problem. True friends stay with you no matter what. Who will leave it's not your friend in first place anyway.Good luckYEP
A
female
reader, Elainey  +, writes (17 August 2009):
Focus in building a strong friendship with the girls in your school instead of selectively grouping them into potentials or just buddies kind of thing. As by doing so you can get to know each another better and be there for each another like brothers and sisters without having the struggle of r/s stuff yet. If she is meant to be she will be the one for you naturally. Love will be there when you least expect it to be!
Enjoy your singlesness and live the most out of it doing actitivities with bunch of friends~
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A
male
reader, Moonkov +, writes (16 August 2009):
Moonkov is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow thank you all so much for your responses. You're all right that I've been pretty narrow. Time to change that eh?
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A
female
reader, \m/J.D\m/  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 one weird girl fact id like to point out here... if we are been ignored we want attention! next time your at a party or bar ect if you spot a girl you wanna get to kno, just walk past flash a stunning smile, (that i kno you've got) and say hi whilst walking past, rejoin your friends and carry on having a laugh with them.. that will intrigue the girl and if shes interested she will come to you. other than that theres not much else i can suggest rite away other then joop oh how us girls dribble over joop!! lol good luck hun :)
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (16 August 2009):
 I haven't read what the other posts have advised but just reading your post, you sound like a really interesting person. I feel you need some assertation training. You are doing all the right things. Where girls are concern, play cool. Its a turn off when a guy comes on too desperate or heavy. Hang out more with the boys and go out in groups where groups of girls hang out and you may meet girls as a group and then get the chance to go it alone.
There are tons of fish in the sea and enough for all of us. Be patient - you are still young.
LOL
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (16 August 2009):
and here's a really radical idea... next time you are at a party and you meet a nice girl (or 2 or 3) why not try just asking for advice? Say... you know, I'm really shy. Can you help me? Can you give me any advice on how to talk to girls? I can't ever think of anything to say besides hi how are you where are you from? If you ask them as "friends" (not trying to hit on them) I bet they will totally jump on the chance to help you.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (16 August 2009):
Hi darlin, don't go hide under a rock all that will do is make you feel even lonelier. I know it might feel overwhelming, but there are a lot of other people your age who are in the same boat. You just need to build your confidence up a bit. You sound like a great guy, smart, interesting and just a little shy. Don't give up. Stop beating up on yourself. Everybody feels like this at some times in their lives. You are perfectly normal.
One thing that might help you with confidence speaking with people - there is a book by Dale Carnegie called "How to Win Friends and Influence People". You also might want to check if there are any Dale Carnegie courses in Australia - they are geared towards public speaking for business, but it's so much more than that. My dad made me go when I was a shy 18 year old and even though I was totally terrified at first it helped me SO much.
Also if physically you think you are skinny, why not go the gym and lift some weights put a bit of muscle on? For guys, I know that really helps improve your self esteem.
Also, in taking a second glance at your hobbies -- politics, football, army, motorcycle, karate... those are pretty masculine hobbies. i can't imagine you are meeting a lot of females in those activities. Why not take up something that will put you in the mix with women in a low pressure situation? Volunteer at an animal shelter, join a running club or something like that.
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A
female
reader, Nothappyjan +, writes (16 August 2009):
ur young, u will come out of your shell. Don't size yourself up against everyone else, your differences will be what attracts the right person. U don't have to be outgoing to be attractive to the opposite sex. Just give it some time. U will look back and wonder what u worried about - promise
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): In the crowd. How about other crowds? Have you ventured out? There is always some-one for every-one out there. Girls and guys change their priorities later in life too. They go through break ups and divorces and find they have made mistakes in what characteristics, values and lifestyles are important. If you are shy and another girl is she, then no-one approaches each other. Often many girls do not approach the guy and expects he approaches them with interest first. Also, it is socially proper that a girl talks to a guy first, because if a guy starts, he might get a punch from the boyfriend. So you see guys nod their heads to other guys out there. Or ask if a girl is single before you approach. Girls by the way don't like to be rushed into sex early and if it be early, they like to make the advances or put the signals out. It's silly but they kind of feel respected. They like to have time just spent with with you at first. They like thoughtfulness.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): omg. this cannot be real. I just looked up this page tonight on a Sunday and this is exactly how i feel too. It's just a coincidence that i'm 19 and Australian as well and have already had an interview with the reserves. I also tell that to people. "I have a lot of aquantinances but not friends" and yeah i got so frustrated once i told a girl to not talk to me unless she actually wanted to (just as friends) because i got annoyed of everyone saying "hey how are ya" out of obligation because you walk past them. When i make commitments or get invited, they either bail or come late etc. I'm also at university but have not particpated much in the social scene. There's also no excuse for me. The male-female ratio at my uni is like 1:4. I don't want to miss out this important part of my life (not just sex) but having lots of friends, activities etc.Similarly i also stick to myself and my own interests, gym, kickboxing etc. I'm also going on exchange next year to Canada. I hope that helps me.But yeah i can't give any advice other than to persist and keep doing the things you like.
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (16 August 2009):
 I believe that everything you do is correct. You have tried your best to be interesting and this is exactly what girls want. But however, i believe they do not know that. When you talk to girls, you need to listen, girls like boys who listen, start a conversation about hobbies/work. Girls like be asked question. They like people believe that you truely want to know them and not just there for sex.So, next time you are with a new girl, ask her about herself and she should ask you back. Here, you can tell her about yourself to make yourself interesting. If you find that you have things in common, make it known. If you don't like something that she likes, explain why. Have a conversation with her, trying to understand how she thinks.Hope this helps X
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