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female
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anonymous
writes:Mt ex split with me 18 months ago for someone else. Im over it now but I cannot stop blaming myself and feeling embarressed and ashamed of what happened.When I first got with him I knew he wasnt exactly the nicest boy in the world. But I fell in love with quickly so when I heard he was cheating on me I was too scared to confront him in case I mite lose him. He was also really quite horrible to me in other ways and didnt respect me at all but I let him do everything he wanted cos i loved him so much. He eventually split with me for the girl he was cheating on me with and it took me a while to stop feeling hurt but I still feel angry.I feel angry that I let someone treat me like that and Im embarressed cos everyone knew what happened and he also makes justifications for what hes done by comparing me to his new gf and making out shes better than me. The worst thing is, he lives with his new gf and really loves her - he does everything for her. I have to see him be like this and I cant stop asking myself why was he not like that with me? Whats wrong with me? Ive accepted that hes gone and I dont love him anymore but why cant I stop thinking about it all the time, every day. I just go over all the nasty things he said to me and then I feel ashamed of myself bcos I let him treat me bad. Its ruining my life. Im an attractive girl with a good job and nice friends, its not as if I needed him (and people have said I can do alot better) but I just cant get rid of this feeling of self hate. Its been a lomg time since it happened, do you think I should see a counsellor? Is there something wrong wiv me mentally? Its driving me insane, please help.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Hi there,
Please dont upset yourself this way. Some things are not meant to be thats all!. You have done nothing wrong, apart from being soft hearted, and thats not a crime is it. You should not feel ashamed the relationship did not work out, this dosn't make it your fault.
Try to see it another way, that its his loss, and not yours. He probably treats the other girl better, because she is harder to him than you were. That only means he was not right for you.
You need someone more like yourself, who will apreciate a kind hearted girl. Believe me there are plenty out there that will. Just try to be more carefull who you pick next time.
Have a Happy new year, i have a good feeling that you will. XX
A
female
reader, Choongalicious +, writes (11 December 2006):
 If someone is being horrible to you when you are in a relationship with them, than you should leave them because you don't deserve that. How can you possibly love someone who treats you so horribly? You are not there to take abuse and feel scared, your meant to be loved anf feel cared for. Don't ever let anyone treat you any differently because that is wrong.He can compare you all he wants to his new girlfriend, but deep down he knows that you are a better person than her because I'm sure having been through it yourself you would never go with someone who is in a relationship. To me, he just sounds like sucha loser, he had you and than he stupidly dumped you for someone who is desperate and who is going to be hurt the same way. You know there is sucha thing called karma and I'm sure that it will be heading right his way sooner or later. Don't you worry yourself over him, your a special person and you will find someone who will treat you with respect. Don't beat yourself up about what you coulda had and what coulda been because it wasn't meant to be because there is someone better for you out there. Talk to some of your friends and you should try going out more(not saying your boring lol), but go out and meet new people and you will soon forget about him. He isn't worth your time and of course it hurts you that he is sucha idiot, but at the end of the day, he has never deserved someone like you. He only deserves all the bad things he gets.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Dear Anon,
You are obviously still feeling the after effects of what this man did to you. The hurt has gone but the anger remains and I can emphasise with that. Please stop beating yourself up over this. The way he treated you was bad and you are worth much more. It sounds like you have low self esteem and haven't a high opinion of yourself and that's why you let him treat you like that. When we dont value ourselves its hard for others to feel the same. This other girl is probably a more confident person than you and doesn't let him get away with his bad behavour. It doesn't mean she's a nicer person than you. She's just right for him. They're well suited to each other by the sounds of it. You need to realise that you have a lot to offer in a relationship but it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be the giver all the time and do everything for the man because then they lose respect for you. Be strong and independant. Realise that you're worth being treated right and if you're not being treated right then let them know you wont stand for it! Stop feeling ashamed because you werent in the wrong. Accept that at that time, in that relationship, you were feeling a little weak and you made a mistake. We all feel like that sometimes. I know I do and have done in the past. Forgive yourself okay and if you feel like you want to see a counselor then ask your Gp to refer you. You may need to build up your self esteem. A good website to go on is Self Esteem for women. Its got loads of brilliant articles that may help. Good luck okay.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (11 December 2006):
 There is nothing wrong with you! When we're in love we give ourselves to our partners completely. Sometimes we go a little overboard in the heat of passion as we think this will make the other person love us more!
If took advantage of you and did not respect you then he did not love you! Intimacy and respect are parts of being in love and you risked all because you fell in love. This makes us suffer from low self esteem which is probably your current dilemma! He probably has problems with himself that he can't address but will probably catch up with him one-day….
Don't waste your time thinking about him, avoid going to the same places and cut out all your "friends" that know him well and are a bad influence.
Going to see a family/relationship counsellor is a very good idea. It's been going on two years now which seems a bit long. Go visit your local GP and explain all to him and he’ll be able to supply you with a list of local counsellors. I've been and it's a great help and a healthy thing to do. Be strong, look at yourself in the mirror and smile! Bye..
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