A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance are together seven years, and for two years we struggled with infertility, which had us fighting a lot and caused a lot of resentment, stress and guilt for me. I felt like I had failed him, I couldnt give him what he wanted most. Last year, I went to a party and to blow off steam got absoloutly bladdered for the first time in years. A guy there kept coming onto me strong. I danced with him and welcomed his flirting far too much. He wanted me to kiss him and I kept saying no. He tried harder and although I wasnt attracted to him, I was feeling weirdly pressured. He just wouldnt give up. I kept saying no, and he gave up after a while. I continued drinking and my memory of the rest of the night is hazy. I told my partner what happened the next day. He said he was annoyed especially about the dancing, and that I didnt go away from him quicker, but knows I would have if alcohol didnt cloud my judgement. We left it at that, and I havent been out drinking since. The whole thing put me off. Only recently, I keep over thinking that night. What if I did kiss him, but cant remember? I have NO memory of it happening, but, I do remember feeling pressure, so what if i did give in but dont remember? I keep assuring myself i didnt, but doubts keep coming into my head. After all, giving into pressure has got me into big trouble all my life.(in the past: smoking,drugs,doing peoples homework for them) At the time, my friend told me the guy said I was loyal to my boyfriend and wouldnt cheat,,but he also said that I should have told him I was engaged. I did nothing to HIDE the fact, I had my ring on and mentioned my then six year relationship. I try to reassure myself with this. But I still keep conjuring up an image in my head of him kissing me, and feel sick. I cant even eat properly thinking this. I have this overwhelming guilt for something I quite possibly never did. I'd be tempted to ask the guy to find out for sure but that would mean making contact with him and I dont want to do that. I feel I should tell my fiance and like im hiding something from him. But is that fair, to cause him pain over something that probably didnt happen? That would have meant nothing if it did? He is the sort of person would ask details, and I wouldnt be able to answer, because I honestly dont remember kissing him at all, never mind details. I am now pregnant with a son, and my fiance has never been so happy. It is his dream. Seeing his happiness makes me feel guilty about all I have put him through in our struggle to have a baby, so the thought of putting him trough pain again hurts me inside. I havent drank or mixed with any other guys since.I am sorry for my inappropriate behaviour from the bottom of my heart and KNOW I will NEVER be in a situation like that again. Should I be honest with him and tell him I dont remember it, but I may have kissed someone? Should I spare him the pain and not ruin this wonderful time in his life that he is so enjoying? What do you guys think?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 June 2015):
 Thank you for the clarification.
I guess titles try to convey what is the question and what are the issues in the light of what is stated in the question.
In truth you are "now pregnant" - and you have now clarified that as now 4.5 months pregnant. I hope your pregnancy is progressing very well. You and your fiancé must be truly thrilled about the pregnancy.
In looking at what you wrote I will admit that I counted
back and "last year" could mean Oct, Nov, December 2014 last year, and not knowing how many months pregnant you were, from the question, it could mean you were anything from one month pregnant to 8.5 months pregnant.
And without your timely update it could mean that you were due to give birth in July, August or September this year.
Instead you still have a few more months to go.
Being pregnant with a much longed for baby is such a special time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): Hi everyone, the moderator created the title. This incident was a year ago and I am only four and a half months pregnant, so, no, there is NO WAY this guy is the father, unless a kiss can get you pregnant, and the baby would be born by now!, . I wouldn't have slept with him as We were in public the whole time, I was never actually alone with him.. I was simply worried if I had kissed him. I get that the title WAS misleading, but olderthandirts response was not particularly helpful, as you clearly did not read my question. If it WAS what the title had suggested I would deserve your brusque response completely, but it wasn't like that. I don't come on here for sympathy. Even someone as irrational as me can see that I would be laughed out of the office if I asked for a paternity test!I am grateful for everyone else's advice and can see how I am making something out of nothing, I must work on my obsessive thoughts and anxiety for my baby's sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): Hi everyone, the moderator created the title. This incident was a year ago and I am only four and a half months pregnant, so, no, there is NO WAY this guy is the father, unless a kiss can get you pregnant, . I wouldn't have slept with him as We were in public the whole time, I was never actually alone with him.. I was simply worried if I had kissed him. I am grateful for your advice and can see how I am making something out of nothing, I must work on my obsessive thoughts and anxiety for my baby's sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): You already told your fiance what happened at the time and I assume he has forgiven you. If there is no chance you had sex with this guy while drunk( that would be rape on his part btw) and he is the father instead of your fiance then let this stay in the past where it belongs. Get some counseling if you can so this doesn't affect your pregnancy and your health. Stop obsessing over this and driving yourself crazy.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (6 June 2015):
 You should keep your mouth shut and say nothing to your BF. Enough is the anxiety that you are having with it, so don't spread it. Accept the fact that you did a foolish deed, that the deed is yours and you cannot blame it on drinking or being pressured. If you don't remember the details then contact that guy and let him tell you so that going forward you have a better picture of what you actually did so that you will never blame alcohol and pressure for the loss of your moral purity. Basically, own up to what you did, say nothing to anyone and focus on your marriage.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 June 2015):
 Leave it in the past. You didn't kiss the guy, but you were disloyal to your partner and confessed it. The disloyalty was in the flirting and dancing, which to be honest, if you had walked in on your guy dancing with another girl and flirting with her and seeing her come on to her, you would have been none too happy even if no kiss HAD taken place.
Listen to me closely - if you bring it up again now with the "what-if's" and the residual guilt, you'll be hurting him all over again for no reason but your own raging hormones. It's better to deal with that not by rubbing your fiance's face it it like a dog and feces, but by resolving that you will never again drink to excess, nor by dancing with or getting even remotely flirtatious with another guy ever again. THAT is how you atone for a past mistake...not by committing another one.
Now get your head on straight, and stop eating improperly, because you have a child to consider, and a child needs proper nourishment and so do you. How bad would you feel if you gave birth to a sickly baby knowing you didn't take care of yourself? That's worse than a confessed drunken episode, don't you think??
If you are having a hard time containing emotions or feelings of depression or ESPECIALLY not taking care of yourself, talk to your OB/GYN about this, because you need to be your BEST self becoming a parent, and you're going to need your fiance there to be engaged 100% in raising that kid.
I never say this to anyone I advise on here, but for your sake, for your fiance (and future co-parent), and especially for your new son or daughter coming into this world innocent of everything, get the hell over it and live in the present. Start taking care of yourself, and atone by being the very personification of loyalty, and that means STOP THINKING ABOUT DRUNK GUY, because that is only being MORE disloyal by obsessing. You didn't kiss the guy, so LEAVE IT for crying out loud.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 June 2015):
 I agree, the title is misleading. I thought as well that you're pregnant and you don't know who the father is because you cheated on your B/f.
What I dont understand is that, when you're finally pregnant after all this while, why are you pondering over something in the past which didnt even happen? It was a could-have-been situation. Even if you DID kiss him, you know what you did was horribly wrong and you wont ever do it again. You regret your actions from the bottom of your heart and you wont ever put yourself in that situation again. A sorry means nothing unless you know it from within that you wont ever repeat the mistake again.
In your case, you learnt your lesson, that's punishment enough.
Why do you want to tell your fiance anything? Enjoy your pregnancy, stop thinking about something which has no significance in your life and just be happy. Its essential for you to be happy, not just for you but also for your baby. You haven't done anything wrong. Hold your head up high.
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A
male
reader, kpak +, writes (6 June 2015):
Your man absolutely deserves the truth. Just like you deserve the truth if the situation was reversed. This will be the only way to alleviate your guilt. It may ruin your relationsip or it could make it stronger.
Next time NEVER go to a party that will have men and boos without your fiancee. Do you think you slept with the other guy? If you think you might have come clean on that too.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 June 2015):
 I feel that you are looking for some "easy way out of this dilema and thatmaybe just maybe theis a sympathetic voice out here to ooth your guilt but in the end you will have to face the music and confess your problem to the one who should be the father. Oy a paternaty test will prove one way or the other since Tell your BF how you screwed up and wait to see if he wants to stay with you. It's up to him.
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