A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I have been best friends for 15 years. I was her maid of honor and we've been very close.Currently, I am going through a seperation/divorce, which makes me feel very depressed and needy most of the time. She has been supportive, but not as much as I expected. In fact, I feel she has been blowing me off quite a bit, especially most recently. (like never calling, not picking up her phone, seldom making plans with me) It's very hurtful.I try to be understanding that she has her own life and is probably tired of hearing about my problems, but I just don't feel she has been there at the capacity I feel I would be if she were the one going through this.I have another "second best friend" who is making her way into the "first" category as she talks to me daily and lets me vent as necessary. I hate this though because I feel I am becoming almost entirely reliant on her for support, but I don't feel I have anywhere else to turn.Is there anything I can do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): I am sorry to hear about your seperation/divorce. It's understandable that you are depressed and feeling needy. I can give you a perspective from the "best friend" side. My best friend of 10+ years is currently going through a divorce. I've tried hard to be a supportive friend to her, but after 4 months of daily (several times a day) phone calls that always center on the same issue (HER divorce), I am getting weary. I don't think she's asked once how I am doing in these 4 months. I know she is going through a very hard time, but I am truly worn out by the daily play-by-play of what an ass her cheating, lying, selfish husband is. She continues to live with him, so the drama intensifies daily. She does have options to leave and numerous offers of places to stay. She refuses to listen to any advice (even though she asks for it) and continues to make her own situation worse. For my own sanity (I have a life and my own problems as well), I have to emotionally distance myself from her. I am, by no means, abandoning her - just letting her know my limitations. I've suggested therapy, but, so far, she hasn't gone. I do see that her #2 (best friend) is stepping up to the plate right now, and to be honest, I'm ok with that. If #2 friend is able to provide my friend with what she needs, I will step aside and let her. I love my best friend dearly. I just can't enmesh myself in this - lest I become "codependent" (I hate that word, but it does ring true here). Good luck to you in this difficult time. And good luck with your friendships. You have 2 good friends who obviously love you dearly - treasure them both.
A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (24 January 2009):
 The first question that I might ask is if every time you get together with your best friend these days, do you immediately vent your troubles into her lap? This is obviously in contrast to the relationship you might have had five years or even ten years ago. The fact is that every person reacts to adversity in different ways. Some don't feel comfortable getting all that negative emotion dumped in their lap constantly. Further, they don't know how to get rid of all that negativity that you've just shed in order to restore balance to themselves. This doesn't make her a bad person at all -- it's just that you may have overwhelmed her ability to deal with all of it.
So, I would suggest two things... first, you need to stop dumping your problems into her lap because you've now established a pretense that every time she speaks with you, you're going to make her feel bad or dump all your issues into her lap. In order to save that friendship, you need to understand her inability deal with the problems you have. Further, you need to re-establish the kind of happy friendship you once had. The next time you speak, don't tell her what your problems are; ask her how she's doing. If she asks you how you are, resist giving her details of your issues. In fact, be vague about problems and don't dwell on them.
But, after saying all this, I realize that you do need to find a place to openly discuss the emotions that are effecting your life. I seriously recommend that you find a counselor to vent your problems and concerns. They are experienced in dealing with the issues in a clinical way and will help you dump the issues in a constructive way.
Finally, let me say this too. I was recently contacted by an old friend from high school. We hadn't spoken in years, but our paths crossed professionally. He ended up marrying somebody I advised against. Well, so his first words to me were that he was getting a divorce. I commiserated with him on that initial phone-call... and every single conversation since then has been him dumping his issues into my lap. He called me two days ago and I noticed that when I answered the phone (and didn't pay attention to the caller-ID). So, yet again, he dumped into my lap the latest issues from his divorce proceedings. I escaped the usual hour long conversation by claiming the pizza delivery guy was at the door (rather than telling him what I really wanted was to escape another session of him dumping his problems into my lap). Part of my heart feels for the pain he has because I have been through a divorce myself. At the same time, it doesn't give him license to release into my lap every time we speak (there are other issues as well -- he's getting divorced because he got caught in an affair - something I consider that all this is completely his fault and that gives him no right to complain about his fate). That said, I do believe that I can personally understand your friend's position if you've put her in a similar situation.
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