A
male
age
36-40,
*ndesireableNo1
writes:Hey folksjust wondering what everything thinks.myself and the other half have been together for four years and have spoken abt house, marrage etc.Everything is great but she is always trying to change the type of person i am and traites i.e she wants me to communicate everything that happens to me back to her and give more commitment. I tend to bottle everything up and only tell people what they need to know. I always look out for her and am not voilent.There are some things about her I would like her to change but i would never ask as i dont think you should dictate a persons traits. She is looking for a perfect storybook relationship and I just cant provude this.Where i am there is little employment and i have been forced to look in a city 2hrs away. this is only a temp measure till something becomes available at home, but there is no support from her. I told her i need to have a job for my independance, but she dosnt understand this :-(Any thougts are appreciatedUDNo1 Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): You shouldn't marry someone who doesn't accept you as you are and is always demanding more and trying to change you. Changing yourself just to avoid the other person criticizing is going to compromise the quality of your life, and she will be rewarded for having forced you to change which means she will continue to do it and you will have to change more and more until you are totally fake. That will lead to severe depression especially if by now you have invested a lot of yourself into keeping this up because of a marriage and house and kids. Your life will be miserable and headed for a crisis whichever way you look. You may start drinking to cope or do drugs or have affair or any other thing to keep going like this. You should just not start down this destructive path. You should not marry this woman. That said, if you have a habit of bottling everything up inside and not communicating or showing commitment then you also might not be someone who is suited to being in any relationship. You might just not be marriage material, not everyone is suited for marriage and there is nothing wrong with that unless you made a promise to someone and misled them. you might be happier and better off single, if you do not feel comfortable relating to someone else closely (which is what a marriage is, unless you have a different idea of what marriage is which is different from most people's) . If you just want company and someone to share the bills with but who you don't have to get emotionally involved with then you can just get a roommate.
A
male
reader, UndesireableNo1 +, writes (27 January 2013):
UndesireableNo1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, Staceily United States + ?, writes (27 January 2013):
I think it is evident you are incompatible with what you both need/want by how you are willing to get a job 2 hours away without much issue and she can't do it because she wants you around.
Its actually the hardest decision I've ever had to make Staceily. But when the location that you've grown up in has been rejected by new business over the last few years and your only option to gain some form of income is to work 2hrs away, that's what you need to do.
By doing that im sacrificing seeing my OH less and Family less. However I still want us to live together in this location. Home is home, unfortunately right now, home is being ignored by government.
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A
male
reader, UndesireableNo1 +, writes (27 January 2013):
UndesireableNo1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013):
"Communication is the number one factor in determining if a relationship will work."
A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013):
"Asking you to communicate more and commit more to her is not trying to change you as a person, she is asking you to act more like you are in a relationship."
- Agreed, but as you know there are some things you just will never tell anyone, i.e. about people you dont like etc. I am all for sharing info when married and have kids and move in together, but the things I need my OH to know, she will!
- At the moment I feel disgruntled that she told me "I dont want you to tell me about interviews in other cities", I have had four since and I cant tell her, because she didnt want to know.
But if we are to move on with our lives, its something I need to so to ensure our long term plans.
Im still waiting for her to say to me "I want to build a family with you", but she has never
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (27 January 2013):
 You seem to have very different personalities and aren't too compatible. She loves you but wishes you were more open and close to her whereas you don't feel the need for those things and possibly can't do those things. I think staying together would make you both unhappy in the long run, she will never get everything she truly wants from you and you will feel she doesn't accept you for who you are. She would essentially be settling and hoping you will one day provide what she wants. I think it is evident you are incompatible with what you both need/want by how you are willing to get a job 2 hours away without much issue and she can't do it because she wants you around. You should probably rethink marriage and a future with her. I'm sure she won't want to break up and will convince you she's happy and fine but these things won't ever go away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): Communication is the number one factor in determining if a relationship will work. Without it a relationship will fail, as you cannot have a successful partnership without communication. You are going to need to work on that or you will have these same issues in every relationship you have - bottling everything up is not an option in a couple I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): Asking you to communicate more and commit more to her is not trying to change you as a person, she is asking you to act more like you are in a relationship. I would never go out with someone who thought he could tell me 'what I need to know' only and keep most of their life private from me. There is no point being in a relationship with someone like that, you are supposed to share your life with your other half. Otherwise you are just acquaintances. If you are not willing to do that then I think you should let her go and find someone who can. Please know that you will be hard pressed to find a woman willing to accept the scraps you are giving out though.
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A
male
reader, Jimmy.L. +, writes (27 January 2013):
Whatever it is that you would like to change about her would probably fall on deaf hears anyway. She is too busy trying to change you. This will not stop and eventually you will not recognize yourself anymore. You will be merely her extension. Tell her how it is. If she cannot handle that, then you are on course for breaking up eventually.
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