A
female
age
51-59,
*atches242
writes:Hello All! I am a woman in my late 40s, in a relationship with a man my age. We're 5 yrs in. Im a widow 6 yrs, 3 grown children, 6 grandchildren -- Pisces. He's a Leo. 2 grown children, diff mothers, always paid child support. But he enjoys lots of toys, the perpetual bachelor Never been in married all his life but many long term relationships. I discovered his apparent porn and masturbation addiction 3 yrs ago. Ive dropped hints, but he has never admitted it. ive said i dont care, i really felt it was normal. We lived 45 min apart and he was not in a committed relationship 2 yrs before meeting me. So I wrote it off. We moved in together (I'm the first person he's lived with his whole life) and turns out he's the easiest person I've lived with. We have the same goals and our sex life is completely awesome. I have monitored devices and know that he no longer indulges in porn at all! But he has begun masturbating again. He began going "fishing" frequently and I found his stash of products...this wouldn't be awful but he neglected me to have his own satisfaction. I indicated I knew and didn't appreciate being left out. So he minimized it to times at work or when I was away - I sd "via txt" never face to face -- that I didn't mind and found it sexy. I asked him what I could do to make sex more enjoyable for him. While our sex has remained frequent, (3-4 times a week) he continued to masturbate at work, have sex with me and at times had some excuse why he coudn't climax...that's when it really bothered me.I have caught him (unknown to him) twice in the past week -- just during times I would leave for a few hrs to run errands. And during these times he doesn't initiate sex but won't turn me down. His interest is not the same either after he masturbates. And I had to go to my daughters to help w an illness this week for a few days so, before I left we planned to have sex before I left -- but I found out he masturbated that day!Knowing he had a planed assignation with me! He couldn't climax and blamed his stomach! And then while I was out two hrs today he did it ! I found his lotion drops in the sink and a piece of his paper towel that he left behind! I'm so upset. He refuses to talk about it. I'm not badgering him. I just said, "you're unbelievable" he said, "what." I said "I don't know but there are drops of lotion in the sink and pieces of paper towels with stuff on them." That's the most direct face to face I've ever been.He had nothing to say and i said nothing else. hes been mostly silent the last few hrs. great! i want to have sex -- for me its been 3 days (last time for us). I don't care really that he does it. I want to know why and I don't know why it has to be a hidden secret, Never spoken of, like its bad. I've texted him in the past and sd I accept him but that he needs to begin talking to me and opening up if he really wants us to be successful. I don't know how much of this I should cont to tolerate-- the secretiveness (he's a closet smoker too -- never in front of me or anyone but has lightly acknowledged he smokes once!) I'm serious about the fact that he needs to begin talking to me and sharing or that we won't make it. We've lived together 10 months and he hasn't tried at all. Keep in mind that I'm very gentle with my specific request to share and talk. And I'm serious that I will not go on with him any longer if there cont to be no effort. I'm giving it 12 months (in my head) total living time with him. Honestly I don't think he ever will. But I promised I would give him time. His family was never close which points to these issues. Will there ever be a breaking point? Everything else is wonderful so that's why I've been so patient. But I can't go thru the rest of my life unable to talk to and share (back and forth) with my partner... Please be serious and give me any advice u see relevant, even if u think I may already know... Appreciate it...
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a break, at work, moved in, porn, sex life, smokes, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 January 2013):
 Guys masturbate for a variety of reasons. Mostly because they are horny and don't want to bother you or just need a quick release. Also, pornography provides a safe way of having a little bit of variety.
My guess is that he has been using pornography for most of your relationship and thus far has been able to keep it hidden from you. Now that you are clued in that he is doing it, you are likely to find him doing it more. He has probably gotten careless with his habits as well.
Ultimately, 99% guys masturbate, even in healthy, sexually satisfying relationships. I don't think it means anything negative for your relationship unless he is depriving you. This sort of sounds like it might be going to that route. In which case, it may be time to have a talk to him. Ask him if there is anything that you aren't doing or is there something he'd like to try? Are you having sex frequently enough for him? Does he find you attractive? Are you sex sessions marathons and he feels like it is work?
Also he may find it useful if you drop hints as to WHEN you are going to have sex. That way he can hold off and be ready for the event instead of satisfying himself beforehand.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Patches242 +, writes (27 January 2013):
Patches242 is verified as being by the original poster of the question "I actually think this is less about the masturbation issues (although I agree it is a huge problem too) and more about his unwillingness to communicate or include you in his life and the way he thinks"
AND -- "Saying 'stop talking' to your partner when they are trying to express themselves is completely unacceptable. He needs to man up and communicate like an adult if you have any chance"
Thank you everyone, for the very thoughtful responses...something I didn't see with my own conflicting concerns...is what you pointed out above!
I am so scared! But it is clearly about communication. I have focused on the obvious but he doesn't really communicate well on anything very personal, and does the shut-down.
Later last night I was mentioning monetary stuff, we have a few extra bills this month, and he said I was badgering him by bringing it up 14 times! And to stop talking about it! I did say, "I'm supposed to be able to talk to you about the things I'm stressed over, and you can't keep shutting me down when you're uncomfortable because every time you do that, it takes a chunk out of me and eventually there will be nothing left. I am saying this without flinching because I'm serious! Do you want to do the finances? Suck it up!" We'll, he had nothing to say. But didn't talk much the rest of the night.
This advice makes the issue for me much clearer :)
Again, thank you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): I actually think this is less about the masturbation issues (although I agree it is a huge problem too) and more about his unwillingness to communicate or include you in his life and the way he thinks. I really think you could both benefit from counselling, but if you are not willing to do that then you are going to have to try to force him to listen. He cannot shut down every time you say something he doesn't like or it will never work between you. I think you also need to realise that you alone cannot be responsible for this working. If he is unwilling to speak to you about what is bothering him then it's his decision to make this relationship fail. I think you have tried enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2013): I think you need to tell him that you are thinking of leaving if he doesn't listen to you. Saying 'stop talking' to your partner when they are trying to express themselves is completely unacceptable. He needs to man up and communicate like an adult if you have any chance. If I were you, the next time you are sitting down together, calmly say to him 'I am unhappy, so much so that I am thinking of leaving'. Make that your first sentence to him so he doesn't have a chance to tune out. I know it's hard but every time he refuses to listen to you he is rejecting you a bit and it will have a negative effect on your self esteem eventually.
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A
female
reader, Patches242 +, writes (27 January 2013):
Patches242 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be clear, there is not porn associated with his return to masturbation. If there were, like in the past, it would be there in the vicinity or on an electronic device. Porn or no porn -- I wouldn't care - if it was 1-2 times a week. But when he starts masturbating sometimes its like a binge and I'm not considered at all. His affections are distant etc when he's in one.I have looked at that website u mentioned. I sent him a link. He refuse to talk about it. Also, I don't walk around making comments in anger or frustration like I did once today. So, I agree I should confront him face to face in a gentle manner. I have tried this in the past on much gentler subjects. He literally gets shut down, inside himself. Not mad, defensive and even then won't lash out at me. It's very tough, if he would argue it would probably be much easier...he is highly intelligent. Non trusting I have guessed at being judged. And says, "stop talking" when I have pushed other conversations in the past.I know without a doubt that he loves me in a way he has never loved anyone. And I him. But I can't NOT communicate (you say and are right though, I have been attempting to coyly communicate this delicate issue - but that's all he can take). Understand that I have never seen such a successful non confrontational shutdown by a person. I'm medically trained. I don't want to share this with a specialized professional. I haven't ever shared it with anyone I know. I don't want to complain in a disparaging way about him. I really want to find a way to be successful with this. He's such a great man.I'm at a point where I will accept our demise if he won't talk. I guess I'm just delaying. We have such a wonderful life otherwise. It's such a shame. I'm soo heartbroken.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 January 2013):
 You need to be honest with him. You've told him before that you think his porn use is okay with you and you find it sexy, but you won't confront him and tell him that it's gone too far, he's addicted, and it's interfering with your sex life.
You need to be straight with him, IN the open, no more texting so you don't have to face him, and no more side "you're unbelievable" comments. You need to face him and stop avoiding confrontations about this.
It's one thing to be okay with porn use. It's another to be okay with a porn addiction, and that's two different things. Guys who have porn addictions develop ED as their brain gets desensitized to having actual sex. They get used to the hand and/or the lotion, and they can't keep the erection nor do they get properly stimulated by actual intercourse.
Take a real in-depth look at this site:
yourbrainonporn.com
If your partner is open to what you say, and I think he will be, show him this site, because it deals in a non-judgmental way about how to break the addiction, reboot his mental stimulation pathways, and restore the hardness and stimulation for your sex life.
Sometimes, things get out of hand, and it is an act of love for you to bring this issue to the surface, treat it like a problem BOTH of you can solve together instead of a mere accusation towards him, and I hope secretly he is as frustrated as you are and maybe feeling helpless that he's let it get so out of control.
You said "I'm serious about the fact that he needs to begin talking to me and sharing or that we won't make it."
Actually, YOU need to begin talking to him and sharing with HIM or you won't make it. You're doing all this secretive message stuff. Bring it to the open.
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