A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on how I can move my life on after a traumatic relationship. I want to forget her. I thought I was over my ex but I can't move on because I can't make sense of what happened.I'm in my 30s and she's in her late 20s and we started dating about a year ago. Things started well but problems started when I met her parents, specifically her mother. Her mom had expectations of her, to be the very best at what she was doing and to be such that the neighbors and people at church would be impressed. She had a curfew when she was with me - she had to be home shortly after midnight at weekends. I wasn't allowed to be alone with her at her house and I was never allowed in her bedroom. Things developed between us and she began to open up. I started to see this whole different person appear from under the quiet and awkward exterior. She told me the only place she felt safe was at my house, that the only person she could open up to was me. I was more in love with her than I ever thought I could be. It was the first time that I ever woke up every morning smiling because I knew she was in my life. We were intimate in every possible way and I reached a point where I couldn't imagine my life without her.Circumstances changed for the worse though. She got into trouble at work and was accused of lying about the details of work she'd done. She was suspended while they investigated her but she didn't tell her parents and left home in the morning as usual, but came to my house in the morning. Eventually they found out through the grapevine and her mother blamed me for all of this. I was banned from the family home. This work investigation lead to another, separate one a few months later, but even before this she was banned from seeing me. Her mother threatened to kick her out if she met me. I told her that her parents couldn't ban her from anything, that she was a grown woman and that she'd be better with a place of her own than to continue living under such a regime. I promised I'd be there for her if she left home. She repeatedly promised me she'd choose me over them, that we'd be together, that she loved me and that it was the best relationship she ever had. She told me that, since she met me, she realized she'd never been in love before, not really. Still the ban continued, she did nothing, I didn't see her and then she finished with me over an online conversation.I was heartbroken and spent the next few months taking long walks every evening trying to make sense of it all. After a while I deleted her from all of my online chats. I sent her a message explaining that seeing her pop up but not being able to speak was driving me crazy and that I couldn't let go until she was deleted from my life. She replied and said she couldn't move on either. This continued and we ended up seeing one another in secret. She was back at work at this time (although the investigations were on-going) and we would meet often at lunchtime at my house to be together. I began putting pressure on her at this time for her to make her mind up about us. I told her I couldn't go on being her dirty little secret. By this point I had lost about 30lbs and my health was suffering, both with the relationship issues and with her work situation.Nothing changed and she eventually went on holiday with her extended family, as was their tradition. She had changed when she came back. She suddenly told me she couldn't touch me and that she didn't want to be around me anymore. She told me that being around me made her weak and she needed to be strong. She was bitter and angry with the world. This went on for as while and eventually I asked her to tell me she didn't love me anymore. I asked for closure. I never got it - she cried and told me she loved me. I was angry at this point, I felt that she was using my love as a crutch at a difficult time and that she loved the care and attention I gave her and not me. She kept meeting me but refused to kiss me. She would pull up close to me but pull away every time I tried to touch her. After a while of this I flipped and told her I didn't want to see her again. I told her to remove me from her life and to never speak to me again.We parted and I felt relief for months after. I felt I was free from the entire saga. My anger, resentment, embarrassment, pain and suffering eased. I even met someone else and started dating. She did too - both of us within a matter of a month. I was fine until I accidentally bumped into her with a friend one day about 3 months from last speaking to her. I didn't see her but he did. He said her face dropped and her lip quivered upon seeing me. He said she was still in love with me. My heart skipped a little when he said this. After this I kept bumping into her at the same place where we both happened to go. I changed the time I went there a little so that I'd avoid her but it happened again a few times after.I haven't seen her in a while and I know she doesn't work at the same place anymore. I don't know what happened with her job. I don't know what she's doing or how she is. I don't even know who she is. She told me, in the midst of her life turning upside down, that the person I loved was dead; that she'd changed and I should move on. I don't know if the person I loved ever existed. I want to move on from this and be able to make my current relationship work. I want to not feel that I still love her. I want to understand what happened and let consign it to history. I want to forget. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for this. I know you're right - when I look back, she constantly expressed her love for me but when it mattered she was never there. Her actions rarely matched her words. She was only interested in me for my looks - everything with her and her family was about image and not substance.
I'm going to try and let go of this because it serves no purpose anymore. One of the hardest things a person can do is realize they are in love with a lie.
Thanks again :)
A
female
reader, Level22  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Sounds she may love you as a person but she is not in love with you, your friend saying that was wrong how would he know what she felt! I am sure you will never forget her, but you have to move on. I think one day she will try and contact you again it's up to you whether you take any more emotional crap from her.
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