A
male
age
36-40,
*harleo
writes:Hello everyone... first post here, wanting to discuss something thats been happening for a while now and have never had any input from anyone else on the subject due to it being a pretty embarrassing to say the least.Anyway i have been with my fiance for almost 3 years now and the one thing i can't seem to shake off is about two years ago we had a conversation about giving head, she had only done it maybe once or twice for me in the whole year we had been together... wich i didn't mind, i asked her why she didn't do it much and she replied "i don't know... i used to do it 3 or 4 times a week for my ex!" I could hardly believe what i was hearing! What the actual fuck??? Anyway from then on and beforehand i guess... I done my best by this girl always making her feel she is and will always be my number one no matter what the subject may be... Anyway i have since then been trying to make sense of it and i just can't. I have given this girl the world and her ex raped her cheated on her tret her like shit and so on... Obviously this intensifies how fucked up the situation is. I FIND IT MIND NUMBING, i simply do not understand! Looking for answers and other peoples views.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (31 January 2016):
What's your actual problem? I'm not sure exactly what bothers you.
From my own experience it really hurts when your girlfriend tells you she loved to do certain sexual thing with her previous partners. And not being specially interested in doing as much with you only adds salt to the wound.
She is in her right about not giving you a BJ, if she doesn't want to. But telling you (specially at the same time) she loved that with hex ex is disrespectful and hurting. Unless this has happened only once, meaning that she isn't a b*tch, I'd dump her.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 January 2016):
 If I recount on my own abusive relationship more than a decade ago, there were indeed parts of it that I enjoyed. But overall it's a horrible experience. Maybe she said she enjoyed giving blow jobs to soften the trauma, when in fact it only reminded her of the pain she's trying to reduce. Trauma survivors have a habit of blocking out memories. So responses like, "I don't know, can't remember" are exactly that.
When it comes to minds being messed up, a woman could think that there are only two kinds of men in the world. Ones that degrade you by treating you like a slut, and the other kind that takes care of you financially. She might think, fathers take care of you, men who are sexual exploit you, so the safe route is to find a guy who they think are not sexy.
If you are that angry right now you may have to postpone marriage. She's not ready for marriage when any sexual act she would refer to her past, or when you talk about sex her response is don't know, don't want to talk about it.
If you feel her logic is fucked up, you should instead feel that men who rape women are fucked up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): If the only experience she's ever had of blow jobs is somebody forcing their manhood down her throat then she's not going to be an eager participant to this in the future.Rape messes up a woman's mind and it takes a hell of a lot to get over, it doesn't matter if she was his girlfriend, she's probably sick to the back teeth of being forced to do something.I used to like giving blow jobs to men, when I took my time and could do what I wanted to do, but my ex has basically screwed up any desire of wanting to give a blow job to anybody else again. Having your head pushed and your hair pulled is not at all enjoyable. If her ex did this then I can understand why she feels put off by it all.Maybe she needs to have a good support network in place to get over what her ex did. Do you think you can be a good shoulder to cry on to let go of all the negativity she feels towards blow jobs?
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A
male
reader, Charleo +, writes (30 January 2016):
Charleo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry i didn't mention she told me when they first met he asked her if she give head and she said yeah she doesn't actually mind doing it... she also once told me she used to love giving him head in the bath.
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A
male
reader, Charleo +, writes (30 January 2016):
Charleo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry i didn't mention she told me she used to love doing it in the same conversation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): She probably hated giving head but a bf who raped her clearly was abusive and just did not care what she wanted to do. You are kind enough to give her a choice and she chooses not to because she does not like doing it. She is probably hesitant about many things because she is trying to protect herself. it is hard to be the good person who has to prove they are not a bad person and you should not have to bend over backward to do this. you can do this by being yourself. For example, you don't have to keep telling her you won't force yourself on her, you simply show her by stopping when she says stop or by telling her that if she wants to do something she can start it herself. Just make it clear that anytime she wants to say no you want her to do it sooner rather than later. For example, if she starts a makeout session and starts to feel uncomfortable, she needs to tell you and pull away the minute she feels uncomfortable. Rather than doing it anyway just to please you. The nice guy feels like the bad guy got what he would have wantedbut please remember that the bad guy did not care enough to listen to no.this sounds like a case where it really is not personal. had she simply said I do not like giving head and I never have, then you probably would not be quite as upset. am I correct in this?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 January 2016):
 I simply don't understand what you are getting het up about. Your girlfriend cares for you and just because she doesn't want to reproduce a previous relationship you are put out.
Get real guy! Relationships aren't about mechanical physical acts they are about love. You aren't accepting what seems natural for her to do with you. You want what she gave to her ex', or you feel cheated somehow.
Unbelievable!
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