A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Do I have a toxic relationship with my parents? I live in a strict Asian household (think Tiger mom). It is going to be a lengthy post so please be patient with me. -When I was younger, my parents would ignore me and give me the cold shoulder if I did not get straight As. Sometimes, I got the cane when I misbehaved as well. They no longer cane me.-I was never allowed to have long hair until I reached high school. When I asked why, their reason was always "because I say so.". -I cannot reach home later than 10pm and I am already 23. I do the chores everyday, I am never late for my curfew. I always inform them if I go out with my friends (this includes where, who, what we are doing) But once or twice during the holidays, I just hope I can hang out with my friends for supper. My area is pretty safe as well. My friends do not club, smoke, or drink either. We just like eating! -When I talk to them about my problems, they somehow turn it around and make it sound like it is my fault/dismiss my problem E.g. struggling with a certain module and they say I'm not putting in the effort or I'm too dumb.-Constant comparison of my performance (studies, achievements, love life) to their friends' children or cousins-Saying contradictory things like me being fat then asking me during dinner why I'm not eating enough. Or asking if I'm lesbian but when I finally get together with someone, they ask why I'm spending so much time in the relationship. (We are having long distance by the way and we skype twice a week)-I cannot even close my door when I am alone at home. They even check on me when I am sleeping or napping sometimes and it's just creepy. Once, I closed the door to change in my room and my mom just burst in my room to ask me some things. It was very awkward for me. I know she's my mom but I didn't want to be caught naked while changing either. Can someone tell me if I'm going crazy or is this an oppression of some sort? I feel like my parents either don't trust that I can take care of myself or shelter me too much. How they have treated me when I was younger has turned me into someone who doesn't have a lot of confidence and always seeking for their approval since nothing I ever do pleases them. I am planning to move out this summer and I've saved up a bit.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2016):
 Your parents are old fashioned in the way that they have raised you. They where strict because they felt that they had to be so that you would grow up respectfully. The put down your hard efforts because they wanted you to do better. It is difficult growing up in this environment off course it is, every child wants to be praised for there work, and you have missed out on that.
Your parents do mean well, they have set you boundaries, and as you are living under there roof then I guess it is only fair to respect them. When you are getting changed off course you want privacy, did you ask your mum could you have some privacy in that regard?
The only way to solve this is to move out, and that is what you are planning to do, so that's a good start. As soon as you have your own place then you will be in charge of your life and what you want to do with it. There are plenty of ways off gaining confidence. Take up new hobbies and interests. Don't let your childhood effect your adulthood.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 January 2016):
 Toxic by western standards is emotional abuse. Lots of yelling, demeaning and substance abuse in the household. What Asian families do is prepare the next generation to be money making machines, ready for tight competition. They felt like if they don't focus on academics, looks and protect your virginity, then you would be one of those single moms living on welfare you see on USA reality TV shows. They think that it's easy for children to mess up. Such as pregnancy or being addicted to drugs. Once they mess up there's no turning back. Nevertheless the strict parenting styles would create anxiety and low confidence. My parents were similar that way. They made all the decisions so when I tried to live by myself, I felt like a little kid fresh out of water.
It's a restrictive household. I was sensitive and got depression at 16 so my mom stopped pushing me. My brother is the successful one. My mom said she would rather have my brother hate her, than to see him unsuccessful and not reach his full potential. He's the guy and he's supposed to make a lot of money. By the time he's old and bitter, he would understand why mom is the way she is but at least he's rich. I chose the easy way out, living the simple, quiet life and that's why I am in Canada.
People who did not have parents take care of them would feel you are crazy, and that you should be thankful but people who want to be left alone, and not have parents bug them would totally relate to you. I described my childhood to an Australian guy. I told him why I did not have privacy and how I used to have my actions controlled. He said that he did not wish anyone to have that kind of childhood.
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