A
male
age
41-50,
*olfen
writes:Ok, so I took a job in Dubai. I met an Asian girl during my 1st month there. We had a date, but then lost contact, then bumped into each other again.I have a problem with girls, I often get like anxious. I talk to lots of girls and take lots of numbers, but then I would kinda get obsessive and do something stupid like call in the middle of the night. I do that with lots of them. I get obsessive, cant get no peace until I call them and even sometimes get angry at them.For some reason, with this girl, I did get a little obsessive but it passed without me doing anything.So anyway we bump into each other and she invites me to her place. I go there and we have a beer. I have low self esteem so I ask her what does a girl like you want from me she says just company. A week later I go to her place again, have a beer again. Turns out she has a boyfriend back home. Nevertheless I make a move on her with confidence (no idea where that confidence comes from). We fool together. At that time I started having trouble with work and was told that I'd have to resign.I call her back the next day saying that I want to talk to her. We meet (and she's trying to keep it secret). She seems to be happy to talk when I call her. We meet again, and starting then we pretty much spend every night together. We also went out a couple of times for drinks or lunch. I feel confident around her, something I rarely feel. usually I only feel confident on first dates, then it goes downhill pretty fast. We laugh together. She is kind to me. But her boyfriend stays in the picture, and she keeps talking to him, even sometimes when I'm with her. It is a bit annoying if you ask me. Puts me in a bad situation too.I'm kinda scared about committing, I feel she's too vulnerable. She tells me she's attached to me and sends me messages saying that she misses me, sometimes in the middle of the night. In the meantime I lost my job, and am consuming my last days of legal stay in the country. I got myself into some stupid situations by trying to extend my stay against the companys wishes, but succeeded in doing so because I have a legal right to stay 1 month after contract termination. But I think I jeopardized my chances of being employed again by the same company. All that time she is lying to her boyfriend, who felt something and is questioning her. 10 days before I leave, she actually gets into an argument with her boyfriend because he keeps calling - he maybe sensed something wrong - or maybe she just told him... or he discovered because she's a lousy liar. She cries, so I cheer her up and take her out. For some reason by then, I started having some weird feelings. Like when we started sleeping together I could feel some sort of evil in her. Maybe she has some issues or something. Then at that point, when they argued, I started having some feelings of anger towards her. I don't know why.Last night at her place she's not willing to have sex. The the next day I leave the country, telling her half believing it that I'll be back (I wasn't really believing in it but I couldn't bear the idea of just letting her go). I get to my home country and call her. She asks if I want something serious, I say I don't know if it will work.At that point I'm having lots of doubts. For one thing I dont trust her, because she appeared to me as someone who can't stay alone for long, who lies, and also she would do or say stuff (like flirt with someone or tell me she will leave her boyfriend) then just forget about it when I mentioned it to her she'd say I didn't notice that I was doing that.The biggest problem was probably that I really didn't see where she would fit. I live in a poor country and I thought she can't possibly live here with me. It all just felt way too wrong. I guess I went back to my old habits... I don't know.The same night we speak on MSN. She looks sad and tells me she misses me. Then she mentions her boyfriend being online and says she'll be doomed if he sees her. I kinda am angry at her, so I tell her something like the sex made me sick. Then I hint that I'm going to leave her and say we're pretty different. I say if we don't sleep together then we can maybe keep this relationship and that she loves me more then I love her. She gets mad (she is also drunk at that time btw... says it's because she's lonely) and tells me to fuck off and that she doesn't need me she has a loving boyfriend back home and that she won't contact me again.At that point for some reason I was sure I had lost her (although I guess it could be patched up). I get anxious and call next day, she sounds bitter. She asks me why I was so mean I say I dont know (we didn't say anything about the fact that she told me fuck you and was mean too) then she says are you calling to hurt me. I say no maybe I shouldn't call any more then and she hangs up on me. We exchanged some messages, in one of them I say I don't want to lose you and she says well then you have to change. By the way, she had booked a vacation in her home country 2 weeks later, where she was going to meet her boyfriend. The rest is a mess. She met her boyfriend before her vacation once, then she told me they parted. I called her a bunch of times but we didn't talk about anything significant. I sent her messages saying that I miss her but I think they never went through.One day before she leaves I send her flowers. She sends a message telling me thanks. Then she sends another one telling me aren't you gonna call? So I do. She sounds angry because I didn't call on the spot after receiving her 1st message(?). She gets angry sometimes when I don't show up when she's expecting me to. Like when were were together I'd call her before work every other day, and once I didn't and she called asking is your battery dead? I thought she was being insecure but looking back she might have just been acting spoiled or was too demanding.So anyway I call, I try to tell her how I feel, in ways she doesnt think I love her at all. I say I think I do. Then we talk for a short while about something (her boyfriend maybe) then she tells me I don't want to ever see you again! Basically she gives me mixed messages... on one side she seems to be expecting me to call her and offer her something serious. On the other side she keeps getting mad at me and hurting me...Maybe she is used to get what she wants through blackmailing. I started feeling really angry at her for going back to her boyfriend, although I never really asked her clearly not to. I send her messages calling her names and call her at late times (although she asked me not to). I threaten her from telling her boyfriend about our affair. She doesn't react.Well I did tell her boyfriend about it when her vacation ended. From that point she bearly picked up the phone although I called her and messaged her all the time. I tried to apologise. She did pick up a bunch of times and asked me to beg her. Again, she was giving me hints sometimes. I even took a ticket to see her, but couldn't. I knocked at her door, she told me come back tomorrow, then the next day I called and she hung up. All this time I felt terrible. I used to sit and think about her and get terribly obsessive. So much that I would sometimes lose control over what I said. I'd say stuff and people would tell me about it later... Have horrible memory, sweat, headaches, flashbacks.Up to now, months later, when these 2 idiots are actually engaged, even though I told the guy everything. And now she pretends that I got the wrong number when I call. I still can't make any sense of it. I still have headaches and think about this all the time, and try to understand.Why do I have to go through this shit?What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? I just dont get it. It always ends like that with me harassing the girls I went out with... And I also want to understand, what effect did I have on her? Did I harm her? Sometimes I really feel bad like I destroyed her, sometimes I am mad because of the way she treated me, sometimes I feel like deep inside I love her. I don't know what to make of it.Maybe I'm just angry because I tried to do so much for her and she didn't see it? Maybe I'm angry coz she didn't see my potential? Or maybe I feel guilty because I let her go? Or frustrated because all my relationships end this way? I just have lots of anger inside me and something that has to get out but never seems to. And also headaches.
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affair, confidence, drunk, engaged, flirt, flowers, has a boyfriend, insecure, liar, mixed messages, move on, msn, self esteem, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, appliance  +, writes (23 April 2009):
wow... what a story! she seems like a total nutcase
but she obviously chose the guy she was with in the first place, and distance propably didn't help your chances
the guy who replied just before me had been rude in his answers... but I'm not going to blame him! Because he's right. You should move on and eventually find someone less complicated. I know, it's not easy :( but eventually it will work
if you regret the way you managed that relationship, learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes next time. Try to get something positive out of this.
Good luck with everything my friend. :)
A
male
reader, Who  +, writes (18 April 2009):
 “I can't make any sense of a relationship.”Whoa there, Bro’. I can hardly make sense of your question. But I’ll try with the part I think I understand.“I have a problem with girls, I often get like anxious…kinda get obsessive and do something stupid like call in the middle of the night. I do that with lots of them.”Don’t do that any more.“I talk to lots of girls and take lots of numbers,…”Good, keep doing that.“For some reason, with this girl, I did get a little obsessive but it passed without me doing anything.”Good. You did it once you can do it again will every girl you meet. Make your self not get obsessive. Control your self.“She asks if I want something serious, I say I don't know if it will work.”She was playing you and the other boyfriend back home along, trying to decide witch one of you she wants. She was lying to both of you.“Up to now, months later, when these 2 idiots are actually engaged,…”She chose him.“Basically she gives me mixed messages...”Get used to that; a lot of women do.“Well I did tell her boyfriend about it when her vacation ended. From that point she bearly picked up the phone although I called her and messaged her all the time.”No kidding. You should be able to make sense of this. You broke up her double game, and she had to choose him not you.“What's wrong with me?”No more than is wrong with zillions of guys your age, around the world and through out history. You made a fool out of you self for love. You did it once, that is enough; don’t do it again.“It always ends like that with me harassing the girls I went out with...”Don’t do that any more. Ever.“And I also want to understand, what effect did I have on her? Did I harm her? Sometimes I really feel bad like I destroyed her, sometimes I am mad because of the way she treated me, sometimes I feel like deep inside I love her. I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I'm just angry because I tried to do so much for her and she didn't see it? Maybe I'm angry coz she didn't see my potential? Or maybe I feel guilty because I let her go? Or frustrated because all my relationships end this way?”STFU with all the questions. No one has been able to answer these questions before, you will not be able to either. Just move on.“I just have lots of anger inside me and something that has to get out but never seems to. And also headaches.”Find a sport to play. You are in your early 20s, you need to exercise at least 3 time a week until you are exhausted. It can be any sport (football, running, swimming, bike riding, etc) but a team sport will be better. It does not matter if you are any good at it, in maters that you are striving to do something. Control you self with the next girl and you will soon forgot about this last girl, and you will forget about the unanswerable questions and bad feeling that are filling your head now.
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