A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:alright, I have this guy friend. We go to the same college, a large school but by no means huge. We worked together on a group project early first semester and I started to fall for him a bit then. I didn't know until a couple months later when just randomly talking to him that he had a girlfriend back home. I was shocked, we had talked for hours multiple times, why had this never come up before? Regardless, we had semester break and I came back resolved to be just his friend. I don't think he had very many friends and I did enjoy spending time with him. We've become quite good friends, but it hasn't gone quite like I planned... he's always sending mixed signals. We talk for hours sometimes several nights a week, every once in a while I can catch him looking at me, he waits for me after class, always helps me if I don't understand the material at first, notices even some of my most subtle movements, and over breaks when I'm all alone and he's busy with his home friends he said that of course he doesn't mind hearing from me. We went to a dance together, as just friends of course, which was a mistake in retrospect. He said he had a fabulous time, slow danced with me twice, and hugged me goodnight at the end. My friend's date also hugged her goodnight, so he might have felt pressured, but he's never hugged me before. We always just say goodbye and that's it. He was also texting his girlfriend throughout the night. I'm so confused. Now I can't let it go... I'm always going to wonder what the heck his story is! I mean, he still has a girlfriend back home! From what little I can tell (he never talks about her) they're doing fine. I'm not the type of girl who would ever put herself in this kind of situation...I can't get him out of my mind though and I have no idea what to do. It's hard to avoid him. We're in the same class and department. Part of me just wants to talk it out, so at least I get all this off my chest, but I'm much too timid to pull that off well. I just have no clue what to think or do anymore. Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): UPDATE: (I posted this question several months ago.)So, we had become really close friends by the end of the school year. I was still frustrated because I was too shy to talk to him. My health was also declining as the semester came to a close. I posted a rather 'emo' facebook status in my frustration which happens on occasion, but no one thinks much of it. He asks me, though, if I'm alright. I told him everything was fine and that it was just a moment of frustration, but we started talking about frustrations and that went on until he thought he was the source of my troubles, at which point i freaked out since I didn't know where that was coming from (it seemed rather out of the blue) and i didn't know how much he knew. We talked it out though, it was tough, but we got to a place where he was ok again and I was unsatisfied with my damage control. I resolved to talk to him about it all at this point. We can talk about anything really so I don't know why I was so desperate to avoid it. I planned to talk to him one day after our last group dinner. Then one night the two of us were just hanging out and he was getting ready to leave because it was getting late. I was disappointed to see him go, as always, and naturally he picked up on this and was really hesitant to leave. I sorta forcefully told him I was fine and he left. Not two seconds later, after watching him walk away from me, I decided that I HAD to talk to him. I couldn't stand him walking away from me. So I ran after him, but I couldn't find him and dejectedly went back to where I had left my stuff. I texted him and called him more times than I'm willing to admit to get him to come back. He came back. of course. And we talked for 3 hours or so. Turns out he figured that I liked him for quite awhile, but wasn't gonna bring it up. He said he'd noticed and it had been drivin him insane. I don't know what he means. Was the wondering driving him crazy? or was it me being too nice and friendly? He kept eye contact for the entire talk, it was kinda unnerving and it made it more difficult to confess. He said that it was fine that I felt that way and under no circumstances did he want it to affect our friendship. He was quite adamant about that part. I told him I truly hoped it hadn't made things weird with his girlfriend and he was like 'naw, it's fine' and that was that. for several weeks after this, he'd patiently try to explain that it was fine and he didn't want anything to change between us. This part really threw me off...wouldn't it be terribly awkward for a guy to spend a significant amount of time, especially one-on-one time, with a girl he knows is crazy for him? I sure feel incredibly awkward (and embarrassed) now that he knows what I feel. Wouldn't continuing to spend lots of time with me be harmful to his relationship? I really don't want to get in between them and it really is awkward to have my feelings out in the open. I feel like the whole world knows now. We're alright for now. I have convinced him I'm over that mess I think and we still communicate almost daily. I truly feel like he's become my best friend because he was always there, being understanding, while most of my other friends distanced themselves from me as the semester ended and my health declined. I've tried so hard to move on. I know he's still with his girlfriend from home, but I can't get him out of my mind. I lied to him when I told him I was over everything. If anything the reality is quite the opposite. He's always on my mind and increasingly in my dreams and I am so happy when I'm talking to him. The frequency and length of our conversations, along with his habit of constantly observing me when we're together, his insistance on continuing our friendship, and his often odd word choices make me think he may really care still. I don't know what to do anymore. I had someone give me advice to cut all ties with him, but that seems nearly impossible. We're such good friends and neither of us has many friends at school. I would rather tell him face to face that I can't do this anymore, but that's impossible over the summer. I don't want him to think it's something he did either. If I were to just quit talking to him, I'm sure he would think it was his fault.I really care for him and I want him to be happy. If that means he stays with his girlfriend, so be it, but I need to figure out a way to FORCE myself to move on. Help!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): That's really helpful. I know I do like him, that I want to see something there, and I do also realize that it's not my place to act on any feelings I may have right now...but it's so easy to get carried away. I really appreciate your advice. It helps to bring me back to reality. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): Hi everyone...I just wanted to clarify a couple points and add on the newest information...
This guy is the sweetest guy I've ever seen. He has the best manners and is always more than polite. Sometimes I think he's even too nice. He doesn't seem at all like the type who would play someone...but I admit inexperience in this area, so really I have no idea. I suppose it is entirely possible that is exactly what he is intentionally doing, but I really have a hard time believing it myself.
He talked to me twice over our last 7 day break, going against an unwritten personal rule of trying to leave school friends alone over breaks, because it's break after all...they probably want a break from hearing from all the same people. When I pointed this out to him, during the second conversation he initiated...he said of course he doesn't mind talking to me. Which is very kind, but not helpful at all and also a bit of a contradiction...
I really just want him to be happy and I don't want to violate my values, but I want to be happy to. At the very least I want to be able to move on towards happiness. I'm not seeking to destroy a relationship here. I have no intention of separating him from his girlfriend...however I think a large portion of this confusion is his responsibility (or so my friends tell me) as well as my tendency to overthink the smallest sign. That being said, I kind of think that I at least deserve to know where we stand.
I've never had a guy actually show any interest in me and I've had very very few male friends. The only guys who ever asked me on dates were some bullies teasing me in junior high because I was the new shy girl and a pseudo-stalker in high school. I have no experience whatsoever to go on here.
My friends are all telling me to just sit down and have a chat with him about this, but I'm soo incredibly nervous. I'm terribly shy and I know I'll just botch up any attempt I make at verbally expressing my thoughts or feelings. Any advice would be dearly appreciated. Do you think there's something there, or that I'm just overthinking our friendship? Should I talk to him?
Thank you so much for any and all advice!
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A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (14 March 2010):
 Honestly, to me it sounds like he's just being a really good friend. You can tell him how you feel, maybe in a "it's not a big deal" kind of way. Then, if he says he's already in a good relationship with his girlfriend, you can be like "Yeah, that's totally cool."
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