A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I don't know if it's a relationship question or not, but i am really freaking out in this situation and want to seek immediate help. A little brief about my past. I lost my mother when i was small and recently last year my dad expired too. I have been living with my brother who without my consent and knowledge, got married to a girl who is a divorcee and 10 years elder to him, residing with her 6 years old son at my place. So when i got back to my home after the funeral, things were like this. Brother was married immediately after my father's death and that girl hated me to join my brother back. Gradually, she started accusing me of all the mistakes. She was biased. Meanwhile, i lost my job too due to such frustrations i was not able to cope up anywhere. At the end, I have no friends. No bf. No family and no money even. This was not yet over when she added on to my worries, informed me just within a month of her marriage that she was pregnant. I was deeply devastated with the grief of my father and now this news was surprising for me as i couldn't believe i had so many surprises in my kitty. Now, the problem is i have hell lot if things going on my mind, however i have no one to guide me so i turned here for help. I want to pursue my education further as i am only a graduate, but i am tired of earning money from a long time and not able to save money due to my brother makes me more frustrated. I have given him all my savings whole life though i am 3 years younger to him. I have always sacrificed my whole life, my wishes. On the other hand, i want to pursue my father's dream which is to become a Government officer, but that has very uncertain future still i want to try because it was my father's last wish and it requires a lot of hard work to reach there though i am a very hardworking and dedicated girl.Secondly, if i pursue further studies i require money again and there are so many things i have to manage alone. I have wasted my crucial years earning money and never able to be constant in a company because of my family problems. Currently, my maternal aunt is also calling me at her place but it's a small town and has less scope of growing, though there are people to take care of me. Thirdly, my sister-in-law has instigated my brother that i won't stick around him for long and she makes fun about that. So if i move out of this house as i manage my whole expense myself, she'll be proven right. I can't leave my brother alone as he himself needs me. I can't go abroad to my paternal place and in this manner, i can't study and pursue further studies or fulfill my father's and my dreams. Please help me as i am losing all the hope and so much in dilemma due to this mess up. I don't know what should i do. If i should become selfish though i have nothing to loose or gain now. I feel alone. Guide me as i have no one to turn to currently and i was never that decisive. I'll be really thankful to you all.Thank you for your patience.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 So would you cut your nose off to spite your face ? I.e.- Basically, you don't get along with your SIL, you don't like where and how you live, your heart's desire is to be happy , work, earn, be independent and go to school... and you would not do it... in order to not prove your SIL right ?
Who cares if she is right. Who cares if she guessed right, that you wanted to move out. It's an easy guess anyway !, of course I realize that in your culture and society may be different, and situations like yours are more common, but by and large I'd say that nowhere in tf world a young girl would choose NOT to branch out and not to pursue a future of her own, out of her brother's and SIL's home, - if just barely possible.
I think you are ( understandably ) scared, and ( understandably ) wary of change, and that the " my brother needs me " is just an excuse to not have to challenge yourself and show your guts. Why the heck should your brother NEED you at home ? He's got his own wife and family for anything he needs, doesn't he ? Of course you'll always be his sister, and that's a bond that can 't ever be cancelled in terms of love and feelings - on the other hand, there's no need to live in the same apartment to reaffirm it !
You lost your job, Ok, it happens, now go get another one, scrimp and save , and put away what you need to continue your studies. It will be hard, it will be tiring, but - you can do it if you really want it. It may take more time than auspicable, ok fine, it is what it is. You are YOUNG, no big deal if you'll have to give your exam for the Civil Service ( or whatever you need to do to be a government officer ) 3 or 5 years later than average.
I think that this should be the thing which you should base your choice upon : where you can get a decent job, and support yourself. If you live in a big city, now is not unheard of to go live on your own with other girls and live independently. Or, if you can find work in your relative's smaller town, maybe you can go live with her there. But only if you really want to, not because you need someone to take care of you. How's that ? You want to stay with your brother to take care of him ( an adult male ) and you can't take care of yourself ? You are a big girl now, a grown up- you most definitely can take care of yourself- as long as you can get yourself an income and live within it. Difficult, perhaps ; impossible, or superior to your forces, no .
Good luck, and , to quote a guy who was born in your country , Gauthama Shakyamuni a.k.a. Buddha- the virues you need most in life are courage, wisdom and compassion. And courage most of all, I'd say...
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 You have to leave.
Simple as that. If you stay, where will you be a year or two from now?
Just looking to prove your sis-in-law wrong isn't a good enough reason to stay.
Also since your brother is older, he should be taking care of himself, especially now he has a wife and kids. He will be fine.
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