A
female
age
36-40,
* gal
writes:My boyfriend loves me so much and I am his first girlfriend ever. He is the type that one woman for one life. I am also similar but I had my ex bf whom I broke up before I met this guy. My first sex was with my ex and it hurts my present bf. He cries a lot and gets angry with me when he remembers my past. He calls me *****, whore...lots of abusive words. I always tolerated because I loved him and he was the right person I was waiting for. But last time when we had argue he again did the same, called me those names and hurt me with his words, I usually apologized but last time even I didn't speak to him for about 2 weeks. My mom asked me what was wrong and I told her everything he did to me. Then my mom said ok that's it, it's over now and don't ever think about that guy again. He doesn't deserve you.I was mentally prepared to break up with him that time but as we met and talked about breaking up our relationship we both couldn't control our feelings. I saw him crying in front of me for the first time. I felt so sorry and so guilty. He said he doesn't want to live without me and cried n cried. I hugged him and said we are not going to break up. He said he will try his best to forget my past and become a normal person. So we promised each other to make a new start from yesterday i.e 14th Feb.We met and went for the movie but as I came back my mom was like an atom bomb. She said she won't be agree with this relationship and won't let me marry with him. She said 'If he could say these things before marriage he will surely abuse after marriage.' She asked me " If you were in my place what would you do? Would you let your beloved daughter marry with a man who doesn't respect her and hurt her so much? Will you be certain that she will be happy in future with him?'.I couldn't answer and I saw tears in her eyes. As I went into my bedroom I called my bf and told everything that my mom said. He was very sad but told me that I shouldn't hurt my parents so do as they say. But he will be waiting for me to come in his life if my parents permit.What should I do? I can't leave him neither I can hurt my parents. HELP plz.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): Your mother is right, listen to her.
Your boyfriend is a train wreck, he is highly unstable and out of control of his own emotions and abusive. Sounds like he cries more than my 5 year old niece too, in between spouting out verbal abuse, this is definitely not normal or good for a grown man. And be forewarned that verbal and emotional abuse often will over time escalate into physical abuse too.
If you marry him it will only get worse, a LOT worse. There's many people like him out there, and the women who are unfortunate enough to be married to them are completely miserable or end up killed some day by their abusive husbands when the husband's emotionality leads to physical rage acted out upon you.
Understand one thing. Your bf does NOT love you. Love is not abusive. Love does not seek to hurt the other person.
He doesn't cry because he loves you, he cries FOR HIMSELF ONLY. he cries because he is focused entirely on himself and how he feels so worthless and low because he's unable to accept your past (whereas many men wouldn't have a problem with it). he is raging at you for not making him feel better because you can't - your ex was in your past and you don't have a time machine you can't go back and re-do your past. he would rather blame you for something you have no control over, than take responsibility and be a man and learn to get a grip on his weak ego.
Your mother is very correct that your bf is abusing you, has no respect at all for you, and mistreating you. This is the complete opposite of love.
Like she says - imagine for a moment that you had a friend, whose bf treated her like this. What would you say to your friend? Would you say "I know he abuses you and hurts you, but you should marry him and put up with the abuse because he cries so much?" Doesn't that sound crazy? doesn't it sound like a bad horror movie plot with a tragic ending?
Your mom is crying because she has all these images in her mind of you ending up in a domestic violence situation, battered or killed in the future by him. read up some web articles on domestic violence, that is what you will be getting yourself into if you marry him. Domestic violence relationships don't start out with beating from the first day - if it did the woman would leave the very minute she met him. Instead it starts out like your bf's behavior - verbal abusiveness, cycles of 'loving' behavior in between periods of extreme hate and contempt for you. You think it's not so bad so you stay because you feel sorry for him. Further down the road is when it escalates into battering.
If I were your mother I would also not approve of your relationship, not that it would stop you from going ahead if you really wanted to since you're an adult it's your responsibility to make your own choice, but no one in their right mind who loves you would be happy for you to be in this relationship.
You should definitely leave him, and recommend to him that he get some counseling to deal with his unstable emotions, out-of-control hate and rage, and excessive crying.
But don't leave him just for your parents, leave him FOR YOURSELF.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): I think you two should take a break.. stay apart for some time...
There are many guys who will treat you much better than this guy and what your mother said is correct..
If your bf cannot cope with your past then he will not be able to look at you with respect and love.. and may become abusive in the future as well
So I suggest take some time apart.. Maybe in that time you will realize what is right for you...
If you continue to stay with this guy you will not allow yourself to look at other guys.. you will lose time and it will take more time for you to come out of this relationship.. so take a break now and think over everything.. If he really loves you he will forgive you and accept you.. and maybe the time apart will help him realize if he really loves you as well...
Take care.. I can understand your situation.. but really there are many guys who will love you for what you are.. and not call you names.. that was very low of him..
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A
female
reader, JAMR  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Hi there. First of all, no one has the right to speak to you in an abusive manner! I have seen this first hand with someone I am in love with, he is my best friend. BUT don't ever put up with behaviour like that! If he is unimpressed with you past then that is not your fault and never apologize to him for it. You don't have anything to apologize for and it does you absolutely no favours when you agree with his anger regarding your past. And let me also raise a very important point, which is something people get confused very easily. He wasn't just attacking your "past" when he was name calling, he was attacking YOU. When he says YOU whore, he is making the situation very personal, rather than getting mad at the situation, which is your past. Don't let this behaviour happen again! Next. You have a love, and love is great to have, i'm glad you have these feelings and are open enough to let yourself feel them :) If you want to see where things go with this boy, then that is your decision. of course. You can't blame you mother for having a strong opinion about his boy, especially when there has been abusive behaviour involved. But, it is your life. If you want to try to continue with this relationship and you and your boyfriend are serious about it, then you should sit down with you parents and discuss this with them. That you and your boyfriend have discussed the unacceptable behaviour and are very serious about making the relationship work. You would like that chance for each other again and it is something very important to you, that if you didn't see this through and try, that you would regret it MORE than having not tried at all. But also reassure her that the abusive behaviour WILL be UNACCEPTABLE in the future and you will not stand for it (and I very much hope that you WONT put up with it OR apologize for his actions). You deserve a man who sees you in beauty every second of every day and respects you in a way that there are no words to describe it.A persons love for someone is very vulnerable and precious. As much as we hope others will treat our hearts with care, sometimes we forget that WE ourselves need to do the same. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are getting more hurt than love. Hope that helped. and Goodluck!!! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): Well at least he respects your parents enough to say this, and realises he has made a mistake, so that's good news.
Could you ask your mother to speak to him so that she can judge from what he says whether he could change and treat you with more respect? And then if she does let him see you, she can also watch what he does. She will be more objective than you and could save you a lot of future heartache. Marriage is for life so you want to get it right don't you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 His crying is emotional blackmail.
Are you able yet to answer your mother's question?
You boyfriend is smart enough to know he has done his dash and your parents will never countenance your having a long term relationship with him, or marriage. Your mother is right, he doesn't deserve you!
He has burnt his bridges with his treatment of you, accept that, grieve for the relationship for a little while and then pick up the pieces of your life and get on with it.
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