A
female
age
30-35,
*eallyveryconfused
writes:My boyfriend and I love eachother very much but I can't help not trusting him. I am admittedly a control freak. Since my last boyfriend betrayed my trust several times I really have trouble trusting anybody now. I have been keeping this under control, however, until the other day I was playing around and managed to guess my boyfriends email password... I feel awful but I was in some sort of trance. I found out more passwords this way. I find myself asking him questions that I know the answers to just to check if he is lying about things like his female friends. I found a questionable picture of one of them in his inbox and when I carefully questioned him about his friends apparently this is a girl he hasn't talked to for years. He lied to me. This has happened a few other times and although I would be hurt if he had admitted this it would be so much better than him lying to me. At least I could forgive and forget.I know I am a very bad person. I know I should have never gone into his emails. I need a way of confronting him without telling him how I know he is lying. If he finds this out he would hate me and I am not a bad person! All I want is for him to admit that he has lied so I can move on. Is there a way I can do this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I dont understand you know he is lying to you. What does this tell you? You could back him into a corner and he will lie to you again, until you show him proof. After all this, do you still want this man? Hold your head up high and say thank you, But no thank you and move on! Say to yourself "I am wonderful person and I deserve wonderful people in my life" because you are worthy you just have to believe it!!!!!
A
female
reader, Myspacestacex3  +, writes (27 November 2007):
No not at all. You need to tell him that you were on his email and that you knew he was lieing to you. Yeah its wrong that you went on his email but it was also wrong of him to lie to you about it. And if he breaks up with you because of it, then he was an asshole anyways for lieing to you. Think about it.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (26 November 2007):
 The way I see it, if you admit to your b/f that you snooped through his e-mails he will never trust you again, he will then change all his passwords and you will always wonder what else he's hiding from that point on. And it'll drive you nuts. I say, keep your mouth shut. What's done is done. It's bad, yes. But so is his lying. If you can sit on your tongue for awhile longer, you may discover other things he's lying about -- can you be that patient? Maybe after a few months, you'll find that there's nothing else going on and you can relax and stop snooping. But if other things continue happening, and you realize he's lying to you then you'll know you just need to end the relationship. No further explanation needed. If you tell him what you've done, he will probably end it for you. There is no easy way out of this one. If you feel you must confront him, you could just say you heard "from a friend" that he still gets messages from this woman and see what he says. But a word of caution, he may press you to tell him "who" the friend is. And he may figure it out on his own, which will probably end your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): Ignore TomWilkinson- he is right in the regard that you shouldn't be snooping in his email, but it is a bullshit excuse to hide scantily clad photos or rude content from other women in an effort to protect your feelings.If you are in a committed relationship, you don't maintain inappropriate contact with exes and one-nighters. You let them know that, now you are spoken for and in love with another woman, that you do not want to receive any of that content any more and that you no longer want or need a sexual relationship with them. You terminate that part of your relationship with them, and do so because you KNOW deep in your heart that it is not right.You don't do things intentionally that you KNOW will hurt your significant other. If it is something you have to lie about, then it is something you SHOULD NOT be doing! Relationships are about OPEN, HONEST communication, and it is ONLY through open and honest communication that TRUST and LOVE are built. You cannot trust someone who is not open and honest, it's very very simple. It is hard to love someone whom you cannot trust. Thus, if your man is not willing to be honest and open, then you have every right not to trust him. Getting a person to admit to a lie is a hard thing to do. You may have betrayed his trust by snooping his email, and that is bad. But what he is doing is (IMO) a lot worse. He continues to abuse your trust and give you misinformation. He is misrepresenting himself. It is worse to cheat on someone than to read their email. He wouldn't be bothered with you reading his email unless there were rude things he was trying to hide. I don't care if my boyfriend reads my email because there is never anything questionable there (unless I have ordered a gift for him online). Anyway, he has my email password but I don't think he ever checks my messages because he trusts me. This is because for all 4 years of our relationship, I have been very honest and very open about everything. I agree with you when you say that lying is worse than the infraction. If he admitted to things then at least you would know that you could trust him to tell the truth, if not act honorably all the time. It is much easier to forgive someone when they own up to their wrongdoing immediately. It is impossible to forgive someone when they only confess the truth once they have been caught. That way you never know what else they are hiding, because they have shown you that they will not be forthcoming about things. They will try to hide it as long as possible, and that could be forever unless you are fortunate enough to discover evidence.Clearly the problem in your relationship is that he does not feel comfortable being open and honest with you. If you want to get the truth out of him, I suggest you give him the truth. Say that you have seen the emails and ask for an explanation. If you do not feel comfortable doing that then you may have a problem yourself with being open and honest. You both need to work on communication if you want to begin to trust him again. It won't be easy.good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): You have got to realise that he is not the problem but you are. You have a serious problem. It is not normal for you to be acting this way. I mean we are all curious and snoopy from time to time, but you are obsessive. And for what? I mean you really need to ask yourself why in the world are you acting this way. Shit happens. That's life. You acting this way is not going to change how life is going to take its course. If he is going to cheat on you it is going to happen whether you obsessively snoop or not. And if he is not meant to cheat on you, your snoopiness was a total waste of time.
You got to let things happen. You can't control life like that. If you don't trust men right now because of your past then you really should not be in a relationship. I would not question him about his lie if I were you. And not because I am submissive or anything but only because I think he lied because he is scared of your reaction. He is scared of you. And that is a really bad sign. If you don't loosen your grip on him, he is going to get tired of you real quick. Men do not like to feel scared of their girlfriends. On the contrary, they like to feel like they can tell you anything. But you are the one who has created this situation. He didn't lie because he is a liar. He lied because you are so paranoid that he is scared of you and so doesn't want to get in a argument. And when a guy starts feeling that way, they start to lose interest. And what happens is that other girls, who seem carefree and fun, and easy going, and confident will seem much more attractive than you. You are making him feel like you don't love him cause a girl who loves her boyfriend acts like she trusts him. So if I were you I would try to get a life and act carefree and trusting and loving, if not you are going to lose him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): What you have done here is wrong. Not only are you now trying to trap your boyfriend into telling the truth you've invaded his privacy!So what if he has e-mails from girls? Doesnt every guy, is he not entitled to female friends? The fact that he is still with you and hasn't done anything with these girls even if they are incinuating it shows where his loyalties lie and that is with you. And also like Tom said, he probably didnt tell you because he didnt want you to get hurt which again shows how he feels about you.You should feel really guilty and in my eyes you are a bad person. if you dont trust this guy then why are you with him? You're being very unfair on him when these girls e-mailing him probably isnt his fault. Don't be so quick to judge him and dont confront him about it because if he wanted you to know he would tell you. Hes not sneaking around but he probably doesnt want to hurt you. Did you read the replys to these e-mails? What if they had said "Im sorry im in a relationship etc"? How would of felt then. My advice to you is to learn to trust your boyfriend and if you cant then leave the relationship.Simple.
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A
male
reader, TomWilkinson +, writes (26 November 2007):
 What you have done is so much worse than his lie so you have no right to be obsessed about him telling the truth.
Look at it this way, I still have exes and "one nighters" who still text, call and mail me, often with rude intentions and content. This happened even through a relationship and my gf at the time, did what you did, accessed my myspace, seen these messages. She confronted me and asked why I never told her about them and lied saying I barely spoke to them. My answeer was simple and the truth, I never told her, so she didn;t get hurt. Obviously she did get hurt, like you, but only because you were both dishonest and did something no-one should ever ever do. Anyway she accepted what I said and apologised, promptly followed by ME ending the relationship.
My advice, confront him if you want but it'll all end in tears.
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