A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend received a text from a girl last night, she is his best friends girlfriend. He said she's neva txt him before and it was a harmless txt, which i did read. I was in a relationship for 5 years with a guy who i thought i'd be with forever, i have a child to him, and he cheated on me which i discovered through txt messages on his phone.Finding the txt on my boyfriends phone last night made me feel physically sick, i got up and left the house and didn't come back til after midnight. I've told him i want to finish. He always has a go at me for 'comparing him' to my ex but i can't help but think all men are the same. What should i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Hi
'but i can't help but think all men are the same. What should i do?'
We all think like that at some point in time, and dont think guys dont think it about women! But all men aren't the same. Ive never dated a guy that was even similar to the one before. Loooooooooads of different men out there with all different morals.
Just because one cheats, it doesn't mean the next will. Its probably actually a lot less likely infact, because you make better choices the more experience you get in life, and your instincts when you met this guy, told you he is trustworthy right?
At the moment, for what its worth, i dont think you have enough to worry about regarding his mates woman. Not saying there wont be anything going on, no one can say that, but like someone said, we cant help who txt us, and it sounds like you went off at a tangent a bit there.
Have a think and hard as it is, try to see that at the moment atleast, your past relationship has clouded the way you saw that txt coming through, and the way you reacted.
Hope you get it sorted sweetheart.
C xxxxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Hey I know how you feel as I discovered my fiance was cheating on me with my best friend after discovering a text on his fone...It is hard learning to trust some one new but if you dont trust them - there's no future in your relationship. At least he was honest, told you about the text and even showed it to you. Please don't be rash in your decision to finish with him. Talk to him, tell him what happened and how you feel. At least he deserves that much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Please give him a chance. We cannot control who texts us and what they put in the message. At least he was honest with you and told you what was in the message, i know some bloke would of read it out of your view and not mentioned a thing about it, so he is good there. Try and put the past way behind you, i know i am a right one to talk, because i had two bad past experience and often they jump back into my head and i start and distrust the one i am with now, which is a shame because he is lovely. Just try and give him a chance, if it happens again then have a good long talk to him and explain that there is no way you are going to put up with it.
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (6 March 2008):
Hi,
You are feeling what many people feel when they have had similar experiences. It is normal and common to think that if one person has broken your trust, that all other people will as well. What is important is to separate your feelings and experiences from the past with those from this relationship. This is not easy to do but unless you do this you will find that your life and relationships are more likely to fail and be unhappy.
First accept that a person, any person, cannot control what text messages they receive from anyone else. I have been separated from my ex for over 5 years now and have changed my mobile number several times during that period, but at least once or twice each year my ex manages to trick someone into giving it to her and she then starts back up with (in her case) abusive text messages. Hopefully she will give up eventually.
Second, you need to really convince yourself that this present guy is NOT your ex. He has different feelings, different personality, different sense of right and wrong in your relationship. So please, please, do not judge him the same way. Now while it is possible that your bf may not be as innocent as he claims, at this stage give him the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming that you have no other signs of him being sneaky or going behind your back in any way.
Third, you do suffer from relationship anxiety which is normal after going through a bad break-up. Unfortunately this kind of anxiety usually results in people running away from any relationship at the first sign that all might not be well and often before the truth of a situation is known. It is possible that you may need counselling to deal with this as a therapist can often help give you some techniques to help combat the fear and other symptoms that afflict you. It may be that you could both benefit from relationship counselling so that he can learn how to better support you because of your past experiences.
Lastly, all men are not the same though I will admit that a great many of them make me mad with the way they treat women. Often you will find the good guys when you least expect it. The trick is to be able to recognise when you have a good one and then to not let fear, uncertainty and doubt destroy what could have been really special with that man. Life is full of fearful situations but what really counts is keeping our balance in dealing with it.
I do suggest that you find one or two special people to assist you in sorting through your thoughts and anxieties. Maybe even a couple of the Agony Aunts or Uncles from this site who you can message privately from time to time. At least that way you do not have to keep it all inside where it will build to an explosion. Do accept that your bf is right that it is not fair to compare him to your ex as they are different men.
You can get over this and find a normal life with a normal guy, but it may take some effort to sort it all out.
If I or any of the others who respond to your question here can help, just send us a message. It is no problem I am sure.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Hi Hunny
You have to dissociate your past from your present hunny Im sending you a link
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)
Not all men are the same sweetheart and after my nasty marriages its taken me awhile to trust again but I DID IT!!!! And if I can YOU CAN! So dont go by your past experiences go from the now and things will be much better for you I promise TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (6 March 2008):
 HEY!!
All men aren't the same! :) what your partner has done is really bad and you need to decide wether or not to trust him anymore.. And try not to compare him to your ex.. Was the txt message really explicit?
Feel free to mail me at any time x x x
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