A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi After I got divorced ( a 13 yr relationship) I met a man(7 yrs older) I really liked right away, first we were friends and then we became FWB( it lasted for 2 years) He was clearly using me since he never spoke of having any feelings for me nor did he show it in actions and at first I let it continue due to self esteem issues and inexperience and later I continued because I fell for him. When I woke up and saw the light I broke it off, returned to school and we kept in touch via MSN and sporadic phone calls ( since he kept in touch with me and was being nice, telling me he tried to move into my building, now lives next block over, he thinks I'm a great girl, he wants to be my friend..."my best friend", encouraged me to vent on him and let out all my feelings about my anger at him, I thought that maybe he might wait for me to finish school and he might admit to having feelings for me as well ( naive wishful thinking, i am aware ).After I finished school we talked and he informed me that he had been dating some girl for the past 3 months and they were in love( i told him i was hurt and I've completely cut all ties with him. I am human and don't like being alone so I started looking for a nice guy too. The problem is I am soo afraid of letting someone in and getting hurt that it seems that I look for reasons to end it with every guy I meet. I want to find a nice guy and find love too but Iam saddened to think that I am so afraid to let someone touch me because for me sex and feelings come in the same pkg and if I have sex again then I set myself up for hurt again. I do not want to become a spinster that doesn't even remember what it's like to be in an emotionally safe relationship. Thank you all so much!!
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best friend, divorce, msn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Xtina356  +, writes (20 May 2010):
Those are definitely red flags! I think those guys all have serious issues and you are smart for acknowledging it and running. Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys out there that are just un-datable. The problem is not with you!
I know it's frustrating. But there are plenty of men out there so just keep looking. You just have met the wrong ones. It's great that you value yourself enough not to lower yourself by sleeping with these losers. But getting to know someone takes time. That's why every relationship expert says wait before sleeping with someone. Because it's important to know the person instead of just the physical attraction. Besides, most women develop emotional attachment to men after having sex with them. So in order to get the type of relationship that you long for, you are on the right path. Just don't give up. Men want women that are confident and have values and stick to them. It's the men you have met are below standard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you,
OK, examples of whatI perceive to be red flegs:
guy A: paranoid that if he gives both his real name and his real phone number to a girl someone could steal his information and stuff
guy B: appears to be somewhat possesive, nice guy but will text and call 1o times a day if I am busy and can't return his calls asap
GUY C:- he's 44 and on the phone when i talk to him i feel like i'm talking to a 25 year old dude
- does drubs socially and admits to being open to do them again if the chance comes up
- very full of himself ( he's an attorney/ university professor and thinks that the students that complain about his exams do so " because they are idiots"
- thinks his "university students are so much smarter then his college students and the ones that go to colege only go there cause its cheap"
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A
female
reader, Xtina356 +, writes (19 May 2010):
I think you just haven't met the right guy yet. It's common when dating to find red flags that make you want to run. At least you see them. Do you realize how many women can't see the red flags or choose to ignore them and wind up in bad relationships because they are afraid of being alone? At least you know what you want and have your eyes open.Now think about what the red flags are that you are finding. Can you give a few examples? Might these be valid reasons? Listen, finding dates isn't that hard, but finding someone you connect with is difficult. But when you date, it should be the type of relationship that you want. If you want a BF, then it's ok to be selective. But it will take time. So be patient and just enjoy the dinners and the conversation. Some dates can go so wrong that they are outright absurd. Enjoy it. Laugh about it. But be patient.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess the question is...Why do I look for faults in every guy I meet now and dump them after the first red flag I see? Am I so scarred that I refuse to let someone in and how do I deal with this............thank you all so much
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 ? There's no question in this question :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): You have yet to be in a safe relationship yet according to what you have written. I don't think you are ready for a relationship of any kind rather, you may want to think about going into therapy and reading relationship books. One book you should read is WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES by Sherry Argov and TEN THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES. These books can be found on Amazon.com.
I totally feel you on being too afraid to open up to someone esp. after you have had your heart broken and feelings dismissed time and time again. I have accepted the fact that if I never encounter a man that I know without a shadow of a doubt will be faithful and treat me the upmost respect, I will rather be alone. I am not one of those women who just have to been in a relationship---I have no problem with going through life alone if that is the way it ends up being. My goal is to be happy..and hopefully that is the goal of everyone else as well in the world.
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