A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm becoming overly possesive and very, very paranoid. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, a for the first year it was bliss. we spent a nice amount of time together, but giving each other enough space. now, i hate him not ringing me everyday, when he talks to girls - girls that i don't like - i get furious with him and threaten to break up with him. i tell him that he can go out with his friend's but then guilt trip him for not spending the day with me.I realise I'm doing all these things, and whilst I'm doing it I realise I'm acting entirely irrationally, I just can't stop.I love him and I don't want to push him away. He has no girl friend's because of me, and I'm not really picky about his boy friends. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): I do all of this as well and it ends up pushing the man away so they choose to spend their time away from you and decide not to tell you things as it may lead to a row or confrontation. Exactly what you don't want. It is very destructive. I have tried telling him I feel this way because I love him so much but he sees it as controlling and off putting. I have had to turn my head round to a different point of view really to keep my own sanity and this is to make myself feel that I don't actually care at all anymore. My boyfriend constantly talks to and rings other woman. I dislike this so much that in my mind I have made myself shutdown over it. If he wants to do this then he is not worth my emotions. I have started to withdraw a bit and concentrate on doing things which I enjoyed doing before we got together. If I see him I see him but I have stopped making him the sole focus of my life. He deemed me as totally controlling and censoring. Now I still hate it but pass no comment as to what he does I just refrain from putting myself in a situation where I see him behave like this. It has made me more independent. Sometimes I now say that I can't see him even when I am free as it makes me appear more aloof and attractive but the real reason I do it is because I can't cope with him and other women. He is totally non possesive and I could talk to every man in the world and he would not feel threatened, upset or anything. It must be nice to be that self assured or secure but I am not that kind of person. Part of me inside has turned against him for his behaviour but he isn't going to change so if I want to be with him I have had to develop coping strategies. Jealousy is apparently all about fear and I am and maybe you are too , fearful of being alone but in reality there is nothing scary about being alone. I note you mention that you guilt trip him, I also do the same, making him feel that I am happy with him doing somerthing then going crazy afterwards. The best thing to do with this is be consistent, just say that you don't want him doing something and the reasons why then leave it up to him. Doing it the other way just leads to confusion. you may also grow out of this emotion in time but I am in my early 40's and sadly haven't. The usual advice of 'he has chosen to be with you etc etc' doesn't really help with this emotion so try to find something that does give you peace of mind over this and concentrate on that when you feel very upset. Good luck xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
Your man needs his space.
NightFairy
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 June 2010):
You need to take a very good look at your own life. Are you happy? Are you going out and having fun? Do you have hobbies that keep you busy? Have you become too dependent? Things like that. The only way you can stop this is to understand why you do it, and that means taking a very close look at yourself and your relationship. At this rate, you will lose him. So it's a matter of urgency that you find out what has happened, because if you don't, he will have to leave you.
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