A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there , I thank you in advance for any help you can offer me at all. Its pretty hard to explain but I will try my best. I have an obsession with men. To the point where it takes over my life and I can't think of anything else. I was never given anything when I was a child and now whenever I see something I want I will go to almost any length to get it even to the point I have had 2 jobs to pay for all the things I wanted but ended up so drained I couldn't carry on so it has calmed down and I now have just one full time job ( I always have to get things on my own merit or I feel like I don't deserve it I don't even accept gifts!)But somehow this has transpired into other aspects of my life mostly men. I have never had a crush on anyone without them eventually returning the feelings. Ever since I was about 13 years old. I am now in my early twenties and its all I think about. It could be anyone that catches my eye and I have to have them. Eventually I do but it takes up my full life. All my thoughts, routes I take to work I find myself constantly checking their fb for any sort of updates. I can't have a relationship because there is always some one new. The worst part is I do everything in my power to get them to fall in love with me then I will just leave. Mostly never speak to them again and its like they never existed to start with. I need to break this cycle but I can't because I have no idea why I do it. Its impulsive I have no control over it and no remorse either. I feel like there is something wrong with me? Why would I hurt these men just because I want what I don't have and once I have them they have no value. Its got to the point where I can't function over this new guy. He's younger than me and I know he has feelings for me and I don't want to hurt him but I want him so much I just can't keep away I am desperate to seduce him? Please anyone could give me any advice at all? I'm so confused xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): "Male anon - I was abused as a child and neglected but although it sounds stupid I have always thought it hasn't affected me..."You aren't stupid, its is a psychological effect the abuse has on people, they often think they are stupid even if they are geniuses afterward. Remember that, it is a "normal response to abnormal yet frighteningly common circumstances"."....and because it was so long ago I never connected the two."You are normal, most people don't."I agree with you that I should never get married."I didn't say that, but figure this out first, with help, and it will help you in your marriage and other relationships."I have also decided not to have children as I am in no way a good role model for a child also not maternal and too selfish in my own wants."You may find that you can be the best parent in the world, and a wonderful partner for and understanding partner as well."I will have a look at those books hopefully they help. Just out of curiosity how come you are so knowledgable are you a councillor?"My wife was abused, neglected, raped by multiple different people over the years. She had alcoholic and drug abusing parents. She never wanted to have children, never wanted to get married.Then she met me.On the surface, she seemingly "escaped" from it all. I met her at a good time in her life, she was educated, beautiful, sexy, and confident, and successful in her career. We married, had kids, then hell gradually came to visit. Her confidence was an act, she felt unwanted, thought I'd leave her (all the time), she felt worthless, etc, etc. Read the ACOA book and you will know my wife. It almost ended our marriage. Yet, she was intelligent, loving, and a great mother.But, she had deep terrible secrets she couldn't share. She thought if I knew the truth I'd leave her and take the children with me. She was so afraid someone would find out that she couldn't bring herself to tell a doctor, a counselor, and certainly not me.We are still together, but it was a close thing...I nearly left before she started talking because I thought she didn't love me. Today, I know the truth, I know that she loves me, and I know that I have to be more understanding that I ever thought possible.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there thanks for replying. It really does sound very helpful Male anon - I was abused as a child and neglected but although it sounds stupid I have always thought it hasn't affected me and because it was so long ago I never connected the two. I agree with you that I should never get married. I have also decided not to have children as I am in no way a good role model for a child also not maternal and too selfish in my own wants. I will have a look at those books hopefully they help. Just out of curiosity how come you are so knowledgable are you a councillor?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): If you and your counselor can't get to the bottom of it, then you are with the wrong counselor, AND you are not being open with the counselor because of it.Abused as a child?Neglected as a child?"I was never given anything when I was a child"Parents use drugs?Parents use alcohol?"then I will just leave"Which means a lot.I know you haven't told us much about you here, or your family of origin, but just guessing I'll give you some reading material to look over.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608By the way, if you get married, you will cheat...no matter how much you think you won't...because you are so insecure that you can't see the reasons for the insecurity, unless you figure out why you are doing this. So, don't get married until you figure it all out. Also, stop dating, completely, until you figure this out.You do have "control", but you are "reacting" and not "acting", and you have a lot to figure out.
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A
male
reader, krit  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Okay this could sound little complicated but try to read this post slow and easy ...When people are new into a relationship a love chemical called PEA is released into brain. This gives the person the buzz which quite same as of a cocaine user. It makes you obssesive , sleepless and could even make you see stars in the day. It makes feel like the happiest person on the earth. But brain cannot function properly in this lustful dreamy state forever. So it eventually cuts down the release of PEA. But now the person comes in realty state . So he starts observing the flaws of the other person also. He notices that he's not as happy as when the relationship started. Now this period is called uncertainity period. Where the person could ether leave the relationship and move on to a new person or continue It face the reality. It is wiser to face the realty and live with it than move on to some other the person because of the chemical changes in your brain. But most people choose the part because they are in false hope that it could make them even more happy. As the dreamy state gets over you would again find yourself in the same position as you were with the first guy. Now it's all about which guys's reality is more easy to get into a stable relationship. PEA could be addictive as the same way we all know cocaine is addictive.So instead of taking decisions under these natural drugs and jumping from one guy to the other, FACE the reality and live with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi aunty em, I already have a psychologist and a councillor also but I have yet to get to the bottom of it. I think its because I appear totally different and find it extremely hard to let my mask drop. On the outside I am charming and I know very manipulative. I am very happy with my appearance I am no model by any means but I don't have any complaints. So I have came here writing anonymously hoping at least one person here will know what is wrong with me. But I do agree I am obsessed and very impulsive just cannot stop myself. Sometimes I see it as tourettes almost ( in now way am I disrespecting tourettes just an example I have used before that is quite fitting) I don't seem to have control over it. I don't even think at all just speak and act. The worst thing about it is a lot of the time I don't remember (I don't drink) so its pretty much a mystery to me of what I have said or behaved for about 70 percent of the time?Might as well just give up but thanks a lot for trying to help you. It was helpful just writing it out anyway xxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 May 2011):
 It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the guys you 'get involved with' to carry on doing this. The problem you have is psychological and sounds a little obsessive. Nobody here could possibly unravel the reasons why you do this and you could be right that it's linked to your childhood.
There are very good psychotherapists and psychologists who could possibly help you through the pathways that have lead to your behaviour now and I think that would be the correct place for you to get help.
Speak to your doctor...this isnt just about men, it's about how you relate to people and your self esteem. Ask your doctor to refer you to a psychologist.
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