A
female
age
30-35,
*hateseagulls
writes:i really need advice, i dont know if people know how it is to be in a controlling relationship, but i've recently got out of one. my ex boyfriend started of by being really lovely, coming to see me, buying me things, making me feel special telling me he'd always love me etc, and then he started to tell me what i was allowed to wear, that i wasn't allowed to talk to males, he didn't even want me going round my girl friends houses , he said if i did he would break up with me, he didn't want me going out with my family, even just going food shopping with my mum because he thought i was going to talk to other men. i trained hard to be a lifeguard, and he didn't want me to get any jobs as a lifeguard, or go into swimming teaching. ( i managed to get a job as a lieguard now tho ) i realised this is wrong, so i argued at him, he ended up in breaking the relationship of, and all his friends threatened me, also he blackmailed me so i couldn't stick up for myself. i didn't contact him, weeks went by , he contacted me saying how sorry he was, saying how he'll change, so i kept in contact with him, untill i found out he was telling his male friends on how he was planning on having sex with other women.the whole thing has lasted almost 3 years, he has been my first love, im 19 now. i finally realise what a fool id been for taking him back, and i finally left him,what i cant understand is WHY i feel the need to go back to him???how do i get over feeling like i need and want him back?????(ive been to the doctors and he's gave me pills and im seeing a therapist, and he's told me ive been psychologically broken by him, and that he's manipultive and controlling)
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female
reader, ihateseagulls +, writes (18 May 2011):
ihateseagulls is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou both so much :), just after being put down so so much and having everything taken away i felt abit crazy for needing the person who took my own control of my life away.
thankyou
A
female
reader, Blod +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Stop blaming yourself for the whole situation. You're asking for advice, but you've taken the most essential steps already! You realize how he treated you was wrong, you're making an effort to move on and get on with your life, and addressing any problems that you have after the relationship. Good on you!
First off, remember that he's the one with issues. He probably felt massively insecure if he felt the need to control you and it's totally unfair that he took his insecurities out on you. Remember that he was the source of all the problems, not you, so you're in a better position than he is to move on from all this.
I think what you're feeling is completely normal. It doesn't matter what a relationship is like, people go through feelings of grief when it ends. This guy was your first love and was the first person to make you feel really special, so it's hard to forget someone who could make you feel like that. He clearly had a massive impact on your life as well and, even though it wasn't a good impact, it takes time to adjust to a change like that.
You said that you're seeing a therapist which is probably the one thing I would have recommended for you to do. Getting over someone and your need and desire for that person is probably one of the most difficult things you ever have to do, but I think you're doing all the right things for it. Keep on seeing your therapist and ask for help when you're struggling. I think it's important also that you don't suppress your feelings. Obviously feeling down and upset is horrible, but in the long run it really helps. Getting all those emotions out allows you to move on, so if you need to talk to someone, or write down your feelings, go for it.
I hope this helps. All the best.
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