A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I wasn't too sure about going out with him at first, as he wasn't the type I would usually go for. I went for it, and found it the best decision I'd ever made. He is the most caring, sweet, loving boyfriend anyone could ask for. He helped me through the death of both of my parents suddenly, and his parents have taken me in as one of their own, and I live with them now, and get on great with his family. Sometimes I just look at him, and think how lucky I am to have him. Recently my ex-boyfriend has been getting in contact with me via text. We went out many years ago, and he was my first love. The way it ended wasn't exactly perfect, as he went off to University and said we couldn't be together anymore. However, we still had quite a flirty relationship, and I never saw him for 3 years after that. I met up with him randomly one day 3 years later for lunch, we had a nice chat about what we'd been up to, and how things were going. After meeting up, the past all caught up with me, and I got quite upset after he left as I realised I wasn't over him. We still texted occasionally, sometimes it wasn't always clean, but I was still happy to be talking to him, as I still liked him. A couple of years past again, and I was dating my current boyfriend of about a year at this point. My boyfriend gets very jealous over my ex, and gets extremely worried and paranoid when he texts me, not that he has a reason to, as he worries I'll get bored of him and go back with my ex. I assured him we were fine, as he was getting very upset by this point. My ex started texting me again around two weeks ago, just seeing how things were going etc, said to send him a recent picture, and he complimented me and said I was still as hot as he remembered me. I then suggested about meeting up at some point as we hadn't seen each other for a while, and he agreed. Since talking to my ex, I've been thinking about him a lot more, and I've been looking forward to going up to see him in Newcastle. However, as much as I want to go and see him and have a catch up, I worry at the same time. He's said I can stay over too as it would be a long journey for me, but I don't know if he wants anything 'in it', so to speak. Right now, I really don't know if I could resist him if he did start to come onto me. I know that sounds really bad… and I know for a fact I'd feel ridiculously guilty if me and my ex started kissing (or even more), as I love my boyfriend to bits, and would never want to cheat on him. I just know I'd feel guilty, but at the same time I can't guarantee that I won't, and I really don't know why. I'd feel even worse if my ex-boyfriend was just using me, the guilt then would be just unbearable. I don't know why I'm feeling like this…. I love my boyfriend so much, but I still want to go and see my ex, but I'm still unsure of what he wants out of it.Has anyone else felt like this? Why am I feeling like this?I just don't know what to do right now.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 October 2011):
Your ex wants to have sex with you. He has already made convenient arrangements for you to stay over, it all sounds very reasonable and logical, but really, it is all just masking the fact that he wants to have sex with you. He probably wants to tell you a bunch of things which are very emotional, remember the connection he had with you, and have sex with you. Part of you also wants to sleep with your ex, remember the feelings you guys had for one another, and hear him say all of those things to you. It is on your mind, to the point where you have acknowledged that you can imagine you might not be able to say no if he tries it on with you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to meet up with an ex to talk through things, which often involves resolving unresolved feelings and saying things that were left unsaid, but if you do this, you should really do it in a way that does not put your current relationship at risk. If you agree to see your ex as you are planning, you are most definitely putting your relationship at risk. If you just wanted to be friends with your ex or see him to resolve things, you would do things differently. For example, rather than visit him in Newcastle, you could arrange for him to visit you in your city, in a public place for a coffee, where your boyfriend can drop you off and pick you up, and at the same time be introduced to your ex if you plan on being friends with. However you choose to do it, you should not be choosing to see him out of your environment where it would be so convenient for you to stay at his place, and end up sleeping with him, and then say "I didn't plan for it to happen" knowing secretly inside that part of you did engineer it. I read enough posts on this website to know that if you do it, you will be pressing the self destruct button on your relationship, which will be devastating for your boyfriend, and just as importantly, for you. You don't want to do that to yourself and you don't want to do it to him.
My advise to you would be for you take some time to work through these feelings, and if you find you aren't able to, you should at least speak to your boyfriend about your feelings. These are difficult conversations but having them can shift the way you feel, and bring your relationship to a new level of honesty. Take your time and remember you have time to act on things, don't act now in a way that will be destructive to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): "My boyfriend gets very jealous over my ex, and gets extremely worried and paranoid when he texts me, not that he has a reason to"
Not has reason to you said yourself you are worried you will cheat? Considering the flirty messages you already know what he wants from it and you are playing into his hands. You should cut all contact with your ex as he is clearly after you again and you need to move on for the sake of your caring boyfriend.
If you choose to disregard the advice on here i really hope you split up with your boyfriend before you go and see your ex as it's just not fair on him
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A
male
reader, Los  +, writes (8 October 2011):
Why would you visit your ex and put yourself in a position like that? Why would you risk back stabbing the person who takes care of you after your parents dear, why would you do anything of the sort?
Lets say you visit your ex and you cheat... What then? Are you willing to loose a your relationship to someone who loves you deeply over someone who just wants to bone?
"Don't loose the ones you love for the ones you lust."
True story
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 October 2011):
 It definitely sounds like you have a strong attachment to your ex-boyfriend. This is fairly normal to be honest as I suspect your ex-boyfriend was one of your first loves of your life (if not your strongest). You will always have feelings -- what you do with them will determine what sort of character you are made of.
I think you need to have to ask yourself if you truly value your current boyfriend's relationship with you -- above all else. You've invested a year and a half into him and up until now he's been the #1 in your life. You also state that he has been nothing but good to you and that you'd hate to lose him.
Why would you want to jeopardize that when you admit that there is a strong chance you will cheat on him? (and yes you will be cheating on him if anything more happens than a casual meeting with your ex-boyfriend) Currently you are playing dangerous games by exchanging flirty texts and calls with you ex. Suppose that your current boyfriend finds out about these? Don't you think that would hurt him a lot? Does he deserve that?
You don't talk about why your ex and you broke up -- do you really want to revisit that chapter of your life?
Only you can decide what to do and what sort of memories you want to leave of yourself with your boyfriend. I think you have to figure out how much you value your boyfriend and whether you are willing to continue playing games with your heart -- as well as his.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You shouldn't go to see your ex at all if you're not even sure that you will stay faithful. Your current bf has a right to be worried as there's really no reason for exes to stay in contact if there's no house or kids involved. I think you should cancel plans to see this guy and focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship may be good, but it's not as good as it can be if you still have feelings for your ex or you're not sure you can be faithful.
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