A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my fiance in college at the end of my freshman year. I noticed her from the beginning. I had a crush on her the entire year but she had a boyfriend that went to a school nearby who she had been with for 2 years. They went to high school together in one of the smallest towns I have ever been to. They broke up during the second semester. I then took my chance and we became friends but nothing more until a month before school was out we kissed for the first time. After that we spent everyday together and really became close and fell in love. We mad it work over the summer and visited each for 3 or 4 days of every week despite living 2 hours apart. I decided I was not returning to the same school and she decided to follow me to the new school. I have never been so in love. We have been together a year and a half now and are engaged. We plan to marry after college and have sacrificed so much for each other. She really is the one.During the month when we first got together she told me that after her and her boyfriend broke up she slept with the star player on the basketball team. This happened about a month before her and I began to spend time together. She said it was a huge mistake. She had broken up with her boyfriend, but was having a hard time because they had been together so long. Her and the basketball player talked for about 3 weeks and she went over to his place one night drunk and it happened. Before him she had only had sex with her boyfriend of 2 years.Even though I have never been happier in my entire life than how she makes me feel, I still think about this and stress. No matter how happy I get somehow the thought of her doing this comes into my mind. She has never done anything wrong to me, but for some reason thinking about her being like that and just giving herself up makes me feel she may do it again sometime down the road. I don't know, just the thought of her ever being with any other man kills me. I even think about her and her exboyfriend all of the time.It feels unfair to her because all she does is love me with everything shes got, but sometimes I will just become angry and sad and quiet just because I think of these things. I do not know what to do but i want to get over it because I am spending the rest of my life with this woman. I do not want to go into the marriage still having these thoughts but i cannot control them no matter how hard i try.
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broke up, crush, drunk, engaged, fell in love, fiance, her ex, one night stand, player Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Yos is right.
Counselors are like most other people when it comes to retroactive jealousy. Either they "get it" or they dont. You will go blue in the face trying to make someone "get it" who does not.
The most harful ones are the ones who think they get it but do not. They are convinced that the whole thing is your weird insecurity problem that no rational person would be suffering from. Stay away from that type because they are basically never going to view it as a "respectable" problem to have.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 You sound on the edge of some obsessive compulsive behaviour, and depression. It might be a good idea to find a councillor / therapist to discuss these things with. I recommend it (worked well for me). If so, I suggest you seek a male councillor only, and ask if they have some experience with obsessive behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I really feel i can breathe easier now, some responses even made me feel stupid. I truly do have it all and could be on top of the world if i could just let this go and that is what i need to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis woman would absolutely do anything for me and i for her, heck she changed schools with me because she knew she was going to spend the rest of her life with me. I know i cannot live without her and i know i do not want to. I talked to someone about it before and even if i did the unthinkable and just gave up it would be extremely difficult to find someone without some type of past and even close to as good as she is to me. I was made for this girl and she was made for me. Every aspect of our relationship is perfect except for the fact that i think too much and become depressed. I just want it to stop so i can completely focus on her and our marriage and our love for each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): I can see how it bothers you - I was in a similar situation some years ago. I realized I could never be with a woman who had a one night stand for any reason. I know that it would never leave my mind, so I moved on. Every day Im glad I did because it allowed me to meet the woman of my dreams. With her, there is no baggage like that that I need to learn how to carry around. Just pure bliss.....
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (18 June 2010):
You need to snap out of it. If you don't you'll end up destroying your relationship.
Try thinking along these line:
- Imagine you break up because of this.
- Imagine six months later you see her with another guy, they are in love. How ill you feel?
- You'll kick yourself so hard for letting that happen. You'll feel like a complete idiot for letting her go.
- Also: and this is important! Ask yourself: what will you think of that guy? Will you think he's a fool because he's with a girl that had a one night stand with a baseball player (and we know how smart baseball players are!). Will you think he's with a bad woman? No! Of course you won't, you'll think he's a lucky guy for being with a great girl. He won, you didn't, and neither did the baseball player.
You realize how crazy your jealousy is now? How irrational? We don't think less of a guy because he has a great girlfriend who isn't a virgin. We respect him instead for accepting her for who she is.
- Think about that. Right now that guy is you. You're the lucky guy. You're the one who has won. You're the one who has the respect of others for being with a girl like her. Remind yourself of that. You can keep her if you choose. You can continue to be that guy if you want to.
"I do not want to go into the marriage still having these thoughts but i cannot control them no matter how hard i try."
This is a complex subject, but you are missing a key distinction. You have both THOUGHTS and FEELINGS. The feelings can trigger thoughts, and the thoughts can trigger feelings. They are separate but connected.
You can't control your feelings. You'll always feel bad about her previous guys. That's perfectly normal. You love her: the thought of her with another guy ill inevitably hurt. The best way to handle feelings is to... just feel them. Repressing your emotions is not healthy, just letting yourself experience them is how to accept them. Don't fight them: do the opposite.
But what you can control is your thoughts: specifically the thoughts you have that are triggered by those feelings. Right now you are trying to rationalize your feelings: the jealousy triggering misguided and damaging negative thoughts. You have to break that chain. Experience the emotions, the feelings, whilst disconnecting them through thoughts. Feel, but don't think.
If you can learn to do that, then you'll know with confidence that you can sustain a marriage with her.
Rather than saying more here, I suggest you search my post history. I have talked about this a lot here. Here also are a few links to some of the better threads:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): You refer to her relationship with this guy as a one night stand. But you say they were talking for 3 weeks.
Do you feel like this other guy got into her pants more easily/faster than she usually does things, just because he was very sexy desirable guy? That is a common reason to be jealous about someone's ex. That demonstrates that the person's values have a price and the sexy previous partner was ranked higher than you. No wonder it causes negative feelings for the people in your shoes.
Retroactive jealousy thoughts don't just go away with time. You just have to handle it somehow. If you can't handle it soon then don't expect to be able to handle it at some later date. That date is not coming.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Maybe you could put yourself in her shoes. You're right, you are being unfair to her. How would you feel if she was obsessing over your sexual past history? There's nothing you or she can do about the past.
Think of her ex-boyfriends (and your ex-girlfriends), and platonic friends and family as one big huge life tapestry. All of those ex'es, including the meaningless one night stand, have shaped and been woven into the woman you're now madly in love with.
If you were to take away any of these people or experiences, she wouldn't be the woman you love. Chances are, you might not even know her had her life taken a different direction. You can't wish away an experience of hers you have a hard time with any more than you can take a key ingredient out of a signature dish.
You fell in love with all of her. Her strength, her weakness. Her experience and her innocence. Her triumphs and her regrets. Bottom line is that she is with you, and since you refer to her as your fiance, she's given you the one thing that no other guy has - the promise to marry you.
You can discipline your mind and your emotions to think differently about her experiences. To capitulate and say "I can't help it no matter how I try" is quite frankly untrue. You CAN change your mindset and feelings about her past, and I believe that you have the desire to, given that you know that such feelings are unfair to her.
Good luck, and cherish that girl who's with you and who's chosen you above *all* others.
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Jealous?I think that it's normal to feel that way, but you shouldn't think about it. Like she said, it was a mistake. If she was drunk then she wasn't in her right mind to have a one night stand. I mean, she was probably going through such a hard time getting over the break up, and drinking seemed like a solution. If you think about it, it wasn't like she slept with every person on the Basketball team... if that be the case then, yeah, you have every right to be upset.You're right to question if it would ever happen again, but, honestly, if she loves you like you said she does then I don't think she'd go around and do that again.She's only human, after all. She makes mistakes like everyone else. I think you should just clear your mind, because thinking about that could change your view of her and lead to some problems in the future.You're the guy she chose. Hell, you're the guy she's going to marry! She loves YOU, not him.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (18 June 2010):
 No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you wish, knowing certain things is like the spoken word, once you know it or once spoken you can never take it back. It just stays there, static and unmoving. Like the monster in the closet peeking at you if don't close the door all the way on it. All you can do is realize that she is with you, now. She wasn't with you when she looked for solace from the b-ball player. And just because she did that in the midst of a tough time, back then, doesn't mean that she ever will, again. She has you now, she doesn't need to seek out comfort from someone else as long as you're there. Do yourself the *huge* favor of leaving this back there where it belongs and close the door on it like the monster in the closet. Best wishes going forward to both of you. Have a splendid marriage and always, always do your best to help each other get through life. Be the best boyfriend and husband you can possibly be and I guarantee you she'll never run to anyone but you. Ever. That's just how us girls are.
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