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anonymous
writes:i am a 20yr old accountant. who lives with her in laws. my fiance will not move out of his parent home because hhe feels he'll be miserable. we've been fighting an awful lot lately and its mainly because i want to start apt hunting. i feel its time to start a life together while he says we got it made here with his parents. his father hates me for considering moving ot. and his mother would die if her baby moved out to the nknown world. we fight because i explain how im suffocating here. theres no privacy, we argue they hear it and have a group discussion with his brothers when were not there. ive tried to explain to him how great it would be to have our own freedom and own resposibility. but he seriously doesnt see it. i need help i need advice. im ready to leave this relationship. im ready to divorce before i even get married to this man.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 June 2010):
 Awww, that's gotta be rough to have that kind of over-closeness with the future in-laws. I know you'd love nothing else than to just BREATHE, for crying out loud.
Let me give you a few things to think about. First, you're 20, and unless you follow up and tell me differently, I'm assuming he's the same age as you? His feeling that he'll be "miserable" is a result of his age. Many MANY kids in college stay with their parents until they're 22 and out of college (some stay later to finish masters/doctorates). But even if he's not in college, he may not be mature enough to make the break. It's quite certain his parents aren't ready to kick him out of the nest.
Also, besides the college thing, living with the parents (or in-laws) is actually a good financial move if you're saving up the money you'd otherwise be paying in rent and utilities. Do you have a common financial goal, such as a house down payment, college, or paying off debts? Sometimes, having a goal in mind can make a tough living situation bearable if you're doing it for a purpose. If you're not doing it for any purpose except to placate him and his parents, and you're doing NO money saving, then it becomes unnerving, I'm sure.
And you never mentioned why YOU live there. You're an accountant. Can you not get your own apartment and move out to be on your own? Who says you have to live with your fiance? You may not want to hear this, but may be feeling this already, but he's not ready to be an adult and live on his own, much less take care of you and uphold grownup responsibilities.
Sounds like your fiance needs some ambition. I would suggest that you break off the engagement, and downgrade your relationship. I'd also suggest that unless you two are working towards a financial goal, you need to move out and get your own place just for your sanity. If you can't afford to live on your own, look through the papers or Craigslist for a room to rent or a roommate situation, which is much cheaper.
Make no mistake. You *are* suffocating, and if you have no common financial goal to make it easier to bear, the only way to save the relationship is for you to get out of there. You do not need your fiance to make the decision for or with you. Your life is your own.
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