A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so Ive been with this guy for 7 years. Im 26 and hes 32. Everything has been ok between us. We have our ups and downs. There has always been problems in the communications department. Its like we argue instead of talk all the time. We are like total opposites, but hey opposites attract right? We also have an 18 month old together who is just as perfect as can be. Anyway, just recently his cousin who is 24 moved here from Russia. They are total opposites too. His cousin (lets call him Brian) is smart, charming, funny, likes loud music, likes to go out and do things, doesnt smoke, doesnt like golf, not really too much of a fishing fanatic either. He is also someone who became a good friend of mine right away. I could talk to him about ANYTHING and I felt real comfortable. Like I said total opposites and I can relate to him a lot more. Ive even told him things Ive never told my fiance. Me and my fiance have been engaged for about 2 years now and I love him, but Im not in love with him if you know what I mean. Incase your wondering...We've waited so long to get married bc he wants to go overseas to get married where most of his family is and to bring my family and friends over there is taking a while financially. But now, I dont know if I want to marry him. Anyway, me and Brian have been having this affair for about 4 months. We got caught by my fiance a couple months ago and said we would end it, but I cant and neither could he. We both feel bad for what we are doing to my fiance. Its not like we did this on purpose, it just happened one night and we couldnt stop. We decided to break things off for good yesterday, but I see him like everyday bc I have to go pickup my daughter from moms and him and my brother hang out a lot there bc my brother still lives at home while he is still in college. What sucks is I want to get over him, but it is extremely hard. I think about him all the time, wondering what could have been. He told me in the beginning of our affair he has always loved me (from like 5 years ago when we went to go visit them overseas). He says he will always love me and that there is no other woman for him. On the other hand my fiance is torn bc I took a break from him as well to figure out what I want to do. Brian says I should stay with him bc hes a good man and bc we could never be together bc it would kill my fiance and our families would be torn, dissappointed, etc. I totally understand that and agree as well, but how do I get over someone who completes me the way he does?
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male
reader, Candleman +, writes (22 September 2009):
 You'll never get over this guy, especially with your fiancee who lacks in so much in your eyes compared to 'Brian.' Right now Brian is 'perfect' to you and when you end it on 'perfect' then how can you ever completely get over him. You can only diminish the feelings through time by avoiding him as much as possible (ideally completely), blocking out the thoughts of him etc. If you find yourself thinking about him, stop and think of something else. Ideally you project your thougts someplace else. In your case you can focus on your daughter and have thoughts of her replace thoughts of Brian.
I think another question you should be asking is do you want to go back with your fiance?
One thing to consider is the processing of the affair in your fiance. Affairs hurt the one cheated on, add a family member to the equation and it makes it even harder to fully process these emotions.
Not only that, it takes a long time to process the emotions. There are stages the person has to go through in order to be able to forgive you and move on. It takes work, ideally through a therapist.
A lot of times people try to block out these emotions, repress them and not address them. As a result, a negative dynamic develops where tension and agruments will become the norm. Since you say arguements are the norm now, and communication lacks, what is your future going to be like in this relationship?
You've admitted that you are not "in" love with your fiance. Your affair speaks loudly to back this statement up. How then are you going to be able to work through this issue if you do not really love him?
You've had a chance to be with someone that fulfills the things that were/are lacking in your current relationship. All the traits you listed about the cousin are traits that you can find in someone else if you so choose to seek this person.
Since you have so many differences with the fiance, then would it be too hard to find someone else that you can actually be in love with?
The bottom line is if you are going to commit to the fiance, then you two need to seriously work on your relationship. You should see a family therapist. You need to be able to FULLY commit to him and both of you work on changing to create a better dynamic.
You have a long road ahead of you. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): stop messing up your childs life. your affair just did not happen. no one forced you so please stop talking nonsense. where does your baby feature in all of this?? have you even thought of how sordid your life has become. if you want sympathy, well you have come to the wrong place. you messed up and you think nothing of the very person who has invested 7 years with you. i don't know why he actually wastes his time with someone like you. you are very very selish and you care only for yourself. your selfishness and your total disregard and disrespect for your bf speaks columes of you as a person. what kind of role model do you think you will be to your child? or don't you care? obvioulsy not!
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