A
male
age
30-35,
*5 YR OLD GUY
writes:hi guys my father passed away this year im ohnistly down about it i never had time to grief i had to go to school 3 days later for some reason my mother thought after 3 days everything would be fine at school a week or so later i had to go to assembly where the whole school meets they played a song called father and son for some reason it hit me nd i had tears running down my face im a fairly big guy who doesnt cry tht easily i was embarrassed myself i have a high will power my life hasnt ben that great we started fom rock bottom and built our way up anyways i didnt get to go to his funeral either which added to it all i was told 2-3 weeks after he died witch made me mad in away i live with my mother thats why i was told later on but it could have ben sooner anyways he was the only one in this world that actually cared about me i miss him with all my heart sometimes i dont sleep for days at a time its ben months now i dont talk to anyone about these things because i have no one that i can talk to about it councilling is not an option i knw wat councilors are like and they just make me angry by saying the same question over and over again i dontknw wat to do im lost and my life is slowly getting shorter at home its not really that happy ov a place always fighting with my mother mostly because when she has a bad day she uses the old emotional black male thing on me so advice wouldbegreat thx in advance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lily lousia  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 Hi there,
Do not be ashamed or feel guilty about grieving, it is perfectly natural and normal.
I am considerably older than you, and lost my father 3 years ago next month.
Sometimes I am a wreck emotionally, I wake crying in the night,or i am affraid to sleep in case i do wake in a state. I miss him so very much and at times feel living without him almost unbearable. I am sure you feel this way too. Life is empty and lonely.
Talking does help, although its difficult to confide in the people around you. You could get councelling, which doesnt mean you are in anyway a failure, it is available through your GP or Connections.
I felt nobody understood what I was going through, but councelling helped me, the person you see is neutral, wont judge you in anyway and will let you talk about anything in your life.
It isnt a magical cure, it helps, but doesnt heal. They say time is the best healer, but after 3 years im still very unsettled by my fathers death, but it is getting a little easier.
I talk about things we used to do, places we went etc whenever I get the chance. I also find that going to the cemetery brings me a degree of comfort as I feel closer to him, or I seek refuge in church where its peaceful and don get disturbed (im not religious)
Its sad that you were unable to attend your fathers funeral and say goodbye, I expect your mum thought it would be to painful for you when in fact its made things worse. Dont be hard on her she was only doing what she thought was best, if you can tell her how you feel.
Always remember that you will have your memories forever, along with the love for him that fills your heart.
I am sure your father would be very proud of you, for coping as you have with his loss as you have,and for being his son.
Dont let anyone tell you that you should be over your loss after a few years, take all the time you need to grieve, only you will know when the cloud hanging over you lifts.
Meanwhile, I offer you my condolences, and hope that I have helped you just a little.
Take care of you
Lily
A
male
reader, 15 YR OLD GUY +, writes (8 January 2008):
15 YR OLD GUY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your advice its really appreciated i feel a little bit better about the situation im in but te truth is i dont think ill ever be happy in the situation im in now but im happy to have receive some positive advice from all of you guys and i thank you so much for it DR Vendeta ive already tried to talk to my mother about this its always the same outcome she doesnt care that he passed its the same every day of my life put down after put down until the point of nit living anymore but im a strong person and there mst be a good reason why im still here and so i carry on just like every other day and to me all ov this shit thats happend has made me a stronger person
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (7 January 2008):
 Ths really does break my heart to read this. and i'm a cold hearted b*stard, just ask anyone on here!
I don't to make this judgement but, from what i gather your parents weren't living togehter anymore. ( forgive me if i'm wrong there)
My uncle died at the age of 37 leaving behind a wife and a 10 year old daughter.
My cousin ( the daughter) wasn't allowed to go to the funeral by her mother. for fears it would upset her more.
Sadly out of site out of mind does not work when it comes to these situations.
my cousin has since become a handful, voilent, abusive and disrespectful. goes off to wild parties, gets wasted, drugs shouts screams at her mother and wont talk to anyone.
at least thats what i have heard..
Her mother on the other hand... it very much the same. cries to us not knowing what she's done wrong and doesn't know what to do.
This women is impossible to talk to she wont take advice we give her and wont even consider professional help ( in fact she broke down when i suggested she see a shrink)
The point i'm getting too it that my cousin wont talk to her mother about her fathers death Because the monther never ever talks about the father. like he was never there to begin with, i know it pains the mother to think and talk about it, but i know my cousins anger is due to her never being allowed to be at the funeral and to grieve.
I know it is difficult and i know this is not what you want to hear, but you need to tell your mother how you feel, why you feel that way, demand to know why no one told you, why no one considered how this would affect you.
i know you're sitting there playing the scene in your head and you know the outcome already, but try to be as calm as you can, You are in control. aslong as you don't riase your voice remain calm but stand your ground then you will beable to talk to her.
I really wish there was more i could do, i wish you all the best and i'm sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Yeah, I know that feeling. It doesn't go away. You can focus on the positive as much as you want to, but it's not going to erase what happened. You're probably always going to feel awful about what happened, but you just have to learn to live with it. There's the adjustment period that you're in right now, which is the most difficult time. It's not unusual for it to last 2 years or so, but if it does last longer than that, you're talking about post-tramatic stress disorder. In that case, therapy and medication are considerations.
I'm sorry for your loss. People have probably already told you this, but he wouldn't want you to be torn up about his death. He'd want you to continue on and do something postitive.
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A
female
reader, AJ jess ^..^ +, writes (7 January 2008):
 hunnie you need to have time to grieve i know you might not have time to spare but after school or something to to a place where you know there may not be many people about and just think about him, tell yourself hes gone but he always will be there for you in your imagination and in your heart, and most of the time this is the most importnt thing, also think if there is any such thing as heaven etc, hes probably looking down on you wanting you to carry on with your life and having a good time, remember the good times you had with him, dont be afraid to cry as this if the best way of grieving, it mmight not ever stop hurting but you will find ways to keep happy :) xoxo
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