A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what I'm asking. I just feel really horrible right now. Not too long ago I had a bad breakup with my boyfriend. He basically broke up with me because he didn't care for me and didn't want to be with me long term. Even after the break up, he would call and say that he was in the area and wanted to hang out, and I would agree, but then he'd flake on me last minute. Only recently did I finally realize I needed to cut him out of my life, and I stopped responding to his attempts to contact me. I'm really confused about how I feel about him now though. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I can laugh about the good times that I remember and think about him fondly, and sometimes I'm just really sad about the whole thing. I then just recently met a new guy. I've been trying to keep him at a distance because of the mixed emotions I have about my ex-boyfriend, and it doesn't seem right to just jump into this relationship. We've kept it at a friend level. The bad thing is that I haven't told him I'm coming out of a relationship, so he doesn't know that he would be a rebound if I were to start something with him. However, from what he has been telling me, I know that a relationship with him would not ultimately work out anyway because we're in different stages in life and he's planning on moving to somewhere far away sometime in the future. In fact, and I have nothing to back this up except just a feeling, he may just be wanting to sleep with me and is not serious. But I've been trying to keep him away by telling him that a relationship wouldn't work between us without telling him exactly why. He's been persistent, and I hate to say it, I finally started giving in. But then he made a comment that freaked me out, he said that he wonders if we are really compatible. I admit I freaked out on him and told him that we can't be together and that it's over. He argued a little bit, and then I said some mean things to him, like "you don't know what you want here, you don't understand how things are, what you feel is not real," etc etc. He didn't say anything and we parted. Later I called to apologize but he said he didn't want to talk about it and we talked about other things instead. I'm still confused by the whole thing. All I know is that I feel absolutely terrible. I feel like I've wronged this person, but I also feel terribly rejected for some reason. I don't really know what to do. I don't know if this is normal. I wish I knew how to deal with this whole mess. If anyone can give me some insight about this whole thing or if there's something I should do, I thank you in advance. I just feel so horrible, alone, and sad right now, I can't stand it....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (19 October 2010):
You need to stand on your own two feet, and that means no rebounding. People for some reason think rebounding is a good way to get past breakups, but what they don't realize is that forgetting issues and actually working through them are two different things.
So you are sad and insecure, dating someone isn't going to be a real fix. You need to get up, get out, and become the kind of person you can respect. Get proud of yourself. Get in shape, get your life focused, and get your self-esteem to the point where being walked on by others is simply not tolerated.
It is a wonderful feeling to love and be loved, but you have to get yourself to a point where you think you deserve the love or else you won't be able to trust anything any man does for you.
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