A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:a few years ago, i was in a relationship that resulted in a having a child. we were together for 3 months before she go pregnant and we were getting ready to have the baby. one day i found her diary and read about all of her sexual activities. it made me mad but i decided not to think about it. one night we were suppose to go to the ballette and i didn't want to go. she then came down stairs all dolled up and went out with this another guy. 2 weeks later i found out i got an std. She insisted she didn't sleep with the guy, but i had my doubts so i left. then this summer i met this wonderful woman and we started a relationship. i came clean about the std and she was accepting of me. after 2 months of living together she got really sick and it was discovered she had an std. she got tested before we were together but everything was clear and i know she didn't cheat on me. it just happened to take a long time for it to appear. 2 months later i got the std from her. As well, her past has also haunted me, but she told me as opposed to me reading about it. this woman treats me like gold and i love her very much, but 50% of me just hates her past and what she gave me. is there any possible way of getting past this to be with her? i feel like i've been duped, again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I don't think i can add anything more to what Irish has said. It is so true. Don't torture her and yourself for each others past. We all have a past and there is nothing anyone can do about it. You have to look to the future and enjoy what you have and build on it.
Take care
xx
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (12 February 2007):
 I have been in your situation, I know what it is like, how powerful the emotions can be that this provokes. And I completely understand how you can both love someone and have these feelings, I've done the same thing. I can also tell you that it is possible to get over it: not completely perhaps, but certainly to get to a place where it is no longer an obsession and damaging to your relationship.
The most important thing to understand is that this is not about her, but about you. Only about you. Don't take this out on her, or blame her for your feelings. That would be deeply unfair and hurtful. You are getting upset about her past because of what it means to you, not because of what it means to her. It's an internal game your mind is playing with you, on your terms, in your world. She is not part of it. And she can't do anything about it, only you can.
Don't think of this as having been 'duped'. You haven't been. This woman wants a relationship with you, simple as that. She had the bad luck of catching an STD in the past, but then so did you. Your situations are a mirror of each others.
Decide if you really want to be with this woman. If you do, resolve to change yourself and your attitude to this. Resolve that you will let it go. You have to want to get over it, which is harder than it sounds, because it involves accepting these feelings. If you can't do this by yourself (and most men can't it seems), I recommend seeing a therapist / councillor. They should be able to help you find out why this bothers you so much, and why it is hard for you to let go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): Why do people do this? Discuss the details of their own past sexual lives. All you needed to hear was that she was clean and that there was no possibilty of bringing std's into the relationship. Those were the only necessary facts. Now, are you positive you didn't give an STD to her? There is a whack of STDs that can lie dormant in the human body for months, even years, without making their presence known. Even a medical 'all clear' before beginning a new relationship is not 100% accurate. It's a chnace we all take. Look it, dear..this current gf accepted you with open arms and accepted your honesty/openess about your own std. Now you state you got an std from her, likely one she could've contracted 'before' she met you and you feel duped? How do you think she feels? Very likely heartsick and ashamed. I am seeing here, is a lot of std's being handed around and a man who is not protecting himself, as well as choosing women with the same irresponsible practices.. Firstly, both of you should abstain from sex until these std's are taken care of and gotten rid of. While in the process of getting rid of these std's, take this time to seriously talk to each other. Now remember, she took a leap of faith and was completely honest with you, about her past. If you are not understanding about that now, it may be the last time she ever takes that chance of being open with you again. The past is over and it cannot be changed. Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, past lovers, past pains, hurts and things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. There is nothing she can do to change her past. You need to accept that. Don't waste the opportunity to love a caring, good woman who treats you like gold. Put all this past crap to rest and give yourself to her..heart and all. It's a gift you will never regret.
If after just what I said, you are not up to the task of forgetting her past, then she really will be better off without you. Frankly, she shouldn't date a man who is experiencing resentment and disgust for her. That's not fair is it? The worst thing you can do is make her feel bad and guilty for something that cannot be changed. So if you can't forget her past...why don't you just save yourself and her, this pain and humiliation, by realizing your relationship is probably over now that you have made the decision to, yet once again, allow a woman's sexual past to haunt your thoughts. Do you see the pattern you have set up for yourself, now and in your future? The problem isn't her...it's you. You want the perfect woman and quite honestly, dear...she doesn't exist.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): The green eyed monster will only chew you up. I know its hard to try and forget about ones past but it is something you will have to do if you want to keep this relationship.
The one point you should always point out to yourself is, She is with you not anyone else! If you love her, you have to trust her more and talk with her always tell her how your feeliing, dont let it chew you up inside because that will make things far worse. If you tell her how your feeling she can assure you that its you she wants to be with not anyone from her past.
We all have a past somewhere along the line and we all accept it because its in the past, dont let the past ruin the love you have for your partner. Because strong and leave it where it should in.....IN THE PAST!
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A
male
reader, Dr. John  +, writes (11 February 2007):
 We all have skeletons in our closets. The problem is that sometimes it takes some time and effort to clean out our closets.
The key to the whole situation is love. What is it the bible says? "Love covers a multitude of sins"?
How much do you think you love her?
Given the opportunity you should both be able to talk about any and all aspects of your past dealings on any subject.
Be patient and be tolerant. The more she trusts your love and consideration for her the easier it will be for her to disuss these things with her and in turn the easier it will be for you to forget about her past. Be well. Doc.
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