A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner's porn subscriptions have changed how I feel about him and our relationship. In the beginning, I was okay with it. But the longer we are together, the more turned off I become. I have sex w/ him to please him and derive no REAL pleasure from him (e.g. emotional closeness or a desire to have sex with him at all, really). This has caused me to feel disconnected from him on every level. For me the sex is just screwing (and not in a good way).I do love him. He is very considerate and loving in and out of bed. But, I am just going through the motions. How do I resolve this?(and yes he does the 'job', but i just can't get into it anymore. it feels like we are just replicating crap he's seen because in all honesty, isn't that what they're all doing at some point?)We discussed it in the past and I said I was okay, but my feelings have changed. So, if I bring it up again...Thoughtful answers appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I think this is an excellent topic and I'm so glad you posted it! I'm divorced now but I had the same issue with my ex husband. HE seemed to get really aroused having sex with videos playing and I basically hated it. I told him I didn't really enjoy it particularly when we trying to conceive and he basically complied and only asked for that once in awhile but I really did feel objectified and who wouldn't? When someone is watching a video as they have sex with you? Particularly as women are usually objectified in those videos. I think you really need to bring it up whilst visuals provided by porn either in hard copy or videos are attractive and a turn on for men I think that are completely devoid of emotions and romance which a woman often needs. I think men are incorrect in assuming that women find it sexy . For me it was okay sort of fun on a vacation or something but when it started to get regular I completely felt as you describe.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 September 2009):
 Thanks for that vote of confidence ... i need it. And I'm sure we can't be the only ones who feel like this. It's not that I am jealous or have a problem with him watching porn (especially since it seems that all men do that - so it just has to be accepted). It's not that. It's that I seem to be considered in the same light (or, worse - as not as beautiful/perfect/etc etc as porn stars!). The emotional connection that used to be so strong, feels all but extinguished, and whereas for me once all acts were imbued with a sense of meaning and love, now it's as if I am playing a game that he has stopped playing.
However, I think that if your guy loves you, which he probably does, then you will work through it. Mine doesn't love me, which is why it probably won't get worked through. I do feel exhausted at the thought of moving on, though/ : (
Good luck with your relationship, and thank you again for your kind words!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNatasia, thank you for sharing and your candor. I am trying...But you hit the nail on the head (no pun intended!) All of the emotional is gone. I feel like a receptacle.
Good for you for moving on. You DO deserve better. We have to be true to ourselves. Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (23 September 2009):
I know just what you mean because I think the same has happened to me.
Unfortunately, mine isn't lovely in and out of bed - he has all sorts of problems and is usually deliberately horrid. : ( Anyhow, on the sex front, when I met him I had never ever seen any porn, and he insisted I watch some of his films. I now feel strangely desensitized - porn reduces sex to just the physical/visual, and totally cuts out the emotional. I feel this is how he treats me now - as an occasional recepticle. It really really isn't good - but what can we do? I've thought about it, and i think you have to go back to absolute basics - eg, just kissing, for an hour, in a dimly lit bedroom, with music on - that kind of thing. You have to go right back to teenage sex, and build it up from there. I will be looking for a willingness to do that in my next partner!! (yes, I am that annoyed with my man)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Hi,
I disagree with the first poster in bringing up such a personal topic in a public place. But you do need to speak honestly with him though.
You need to tell him everything you told us: You love him. Think he is wonderful and considerate. BUT, his porn hobby is making you register intimacy in a very cheap and negative way. Tell him you changed your mind, it actually does bother you. You wish it didn't but it does and you need to fix it.
I don't think it is necessary to tell him that you have been just going through the motions when you have sex and haven't been enjoying it. I think it would be better to say that it has been in your mind (sex as porn reenactments) and it has got to the point you need to verbalize it.
If he is the kind and considerate guy you describe he will be concerned about your feelings and suggest another plan of action.
I would also advise that instead of letting him set the beat the next time you are intimate, initiate a romantic evening that puts you in the mood. Whatever turns you on and makes you feel romantic to do it. Go to dinner and a movie and then come back and have a bath together. Go camping. Get away for the weekend at a B&B. You set the place next time!
Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Hi hun,
You need to as diplomatically open with him as possible... preferably in an open space where things cant get heated!
I would find it a turn off too - but I understand what you mean when you say that previously you have said you feel ok with it... fact is, now you dont and if its affecting your relationship then you at least owe him something by way of communication.
If you feel so bad about it now - what has changed for you?
Steve S
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 September 2009):
Yes, bring it up again. Definitely. I think you'll find you're not feeling the same because you feel like an one of those objects he watches rather than his wife. You need to tell him that you need to feel special, rather than like some porn girl. If he cares, he'll listen. All the best.
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