A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago, I cheated on my boyfriend with a male friend. I won't go into details, but my boyfriend and I worked through it and I cut contact with the other guy. Today he sent me an email to wish me happy Christmas and said he misses me. I told my boyfriend about it (I promised to always tell him if this person contacted me). I told him I'd like to reply and let the guy know I'm getting therapy and doing well, because at the time I cheated my mental health had hit rock bottom and he was worried about me. When I told him I was choosing to stay with my boyfriend, he asked me to contact him now and again to let him know I was alright. I haven't done that, even though he also contacted me 2 months ago.My boyfriend told me not to reply today, to delete the email and forget it. He says the best way I can show I'm fine is by not answering. I worry my silence will make him worried though. I'm not going to reply, seeing as I've promised not to, but how can I forget about it? I think about this guy a lot, wondering how he's doing and wanting to talk to him, just about ordinary things. We were good friends before I started falling for him, and I miss that friendship. I also just found him exciting, which is making it hard to move on. I have a great life with my boyfriend and I know I'm lucky for that. But we're missing that excitement, there's nothing to fill that gap in my life now. We have a comfortable cosy relationship, which is probably what I need at 26, but I just can't forget what I had so briefly with the other guy. I've been with my boyfriend 4 years and even in the beginning we didn't have that kind of exciting chemistry. We never really flirted, just ended up together. We're like a cuddly "old married couple". I kinda wish I had met my boyfriend later in my life, when maybe I won't care much about excitement any more. I love him and want a family with him, but right now we're young, and sometimes I just want to feel young and daring. But also secure and stable... I know I'm asking for it all but I can't decide what I want. I've started talking about it with my therapist, but I don't see her again for another 3 weeks.Is my boyfriend right that silence is the best response to this email, even if it worries the other guy? And how can I forget and move on from him? Not responding hasn't wiped him out of my thoughts and I don't know how to get over him. I feel so guilty for feeling like this because my boyfriend has been incredibly tolerant through everything, he loves me, but I just can't shake this off. Every day I feel like a tiny part of me is with the other guy, and it's eating me up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2018): With all this going on did you spare a thought for your current boyfriend?You are nowhere near stability.You could be happily envisioning a future with your stable guy!But whilst technically pretending its fine with him you put it to the internet vote wether or not you can forget your fling (or should you rekindle?)You pinpoint past abuse and say that fuelled the link with the fling as he also suffered abuse hence he just 'got it!'You are still in self-sabotage mode.Early abuse can change the way we understand things.Early abuse was not your fault.Your therapist should have helped you to understand that being united by similar experiences is a form of self sabotage.I can understand your justification but you just can't see that you are abusing your boyfriend for being faithful and loyal!The abuse demon inside you hasn't been fully removed through talking because you are oblivious to how cheating can affect your decent boyfriend.This mirrors the pattern of your abuser.Your abuser felt no remorse for you or your feelings and part of you internalised that and you are using the same justification to make your caring boyfriend very, very miserable and then blaming him for it.People create excitement in a relationship by planning a holiday or discovering a new hobby or planning a family.They don't expect to go outside of their relationship to have sex and then allow it to absorb them to the point of fantasy whilst recreating dysfunctional patterns.You have my sympathy because you have not been able to move beyond self sabotage mode.Your decent guy has my respect for being a decent guy.And your fling is playing you and you would reciprocate without the sound advice of a decent guy.But it wouldn't last with your fling.He is an interim avoidance technique that absolves you from making sensible decisions.He is a licence to cruel behaviour that is justified by past abuse.If you fail to understand that, then you will recreate the same events endlessly and eventually through experience you will realise that it is not excitement but a complete disregard for your faithful guys feelings , which he obviously has , or do you think he is too boring to have feelings?Your abuser thought you had no feelings.Believe me, your boyfriend may be faithful but it is not a fault.It is how normal people express their love but you seem to have missed that point.You future is something you can choose but it doesn't entitle you to damage a caring person as much as possible.If you could respect yourself and him for all that you have achieved together, then you may be able to jointly move your relationship to another level.Currently you have a lot of emotional work to do to repair your betrayal!Forget the mental health fling and try to rebuild trust by not contacting him.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 December 2018):
You need to drop your boyfriend and let him find a woman who really cares about him. Then you can be with the guy you want to be with. Better for everyone involved.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 December 2018):
 Thanks again for following up. You are a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse. That explains why your partner is willing to move past this. Also it helps that it was an emotional affair with a one time physical event. That indicates a better chance of successful reconciliation.
Now you have chosen reconciliation. What that means is that you have chosen to do the difficult things that will rebuild his trust. One of those things is not staying in contact with your affair partner. You see it's not just a shared understanding that you and the affair partner have. It's a shared vulnerability. It will be easier to continue down the destructive path with this similar guy than anyone else. Do talk with your counselor about this. Use your thought redirection tools to fight this. good luck to you and your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): My nephew who I loved and cared for as an infant died at the age of 23 from cancer; and we helped raise him . Yes, it floored us . Myself and my husband. Since I was his aunt it was my sister son I was devastated. However I did not seek solace elsewhere and ten excuse it as if my partner wouldn't understand etc . You need to let your partner go as your being unfair and good luck with this new guy .. plus I am a rmn. But this personal opinion
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): If I added details to begin with, I feel like people would have accused me of looking for sympathy; I don't include them, I'm assumed to be lying. So look, it was sexual abuse for years by a relative, who also abused my cousin. She and I supported each other, it was part of our bond. This guy was molested too, so he just got it. In response to others, I made my decision already. But how can I stick with it when this other guy is still on my mind constantly. Is it even possible?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2018):
 Shit or get off the pot, OP!
Which is a crude way of saying MAKE your choice and stick to it. You can't have your BF and still keep the other in the wing.
If you WANT a future with your BF, CUT all contact with "lover-boy" and block him from contacting you. You don't NEED to tell him you are OK and to not talk to you any more. He isn't stupid, and neither are you OR your BF, so no pulling the "insert excuse to contact lover-boy" card there.
How do you then move on with your BF? Well, HE (your BF gave you a SECOND chance at the relationship, so put all that EFFORT you are WASTING on all these "fluffy self-indulged feelings for someone else INTO this relationship.
For a minute, PUT yourself in your BF's shoes. HOW would you feel if he had done TO you! what you HAVE done to him? And is STILL doing?
Does your Bf really deserve all this DRAMA from you? (hint hint - the answer is no).
If you don't see yourself being fulfilled in your current relationship, that is PARTLY your fault, adding another GUY to the mix won't help one bit, as you hopefully have learned.
So what is it that made you decide to stay in the relationship? Because you think the BF is more of a long-term partner material? Or because YOU don't want to "look" bad by ended the relationship? Or do you think you won't be hurting your BF if you stay (again, hint hint you ALREADY hurt him).
If you think that older "folks" don't care about excitement you are mistaken. But "excitement" and "flirtation" doesn't last, it's fleeting, a fart in the wind. There HAS to be more in a relationship than "excitement". But that doesn't mean you pick the " cuddly "old married couple option". Excitement is something you can ADD to a relationship at ANY time. Either of you. New "adventures" trying new things, make memories together etc.
You REALLY need to decide if you see yourself with your BF long term or not. Not this "waffling" I want to keep talking to "lover-boy" but have the security with my BF, because THAT is unreasonable and unfair on your BF. you therapist can't make that choice either - only you can.
No one else BUT you (or your BF) can make this choice.
And I want to add, the "lover-boy" is NOT such a great guy as you may think. He knew that "mentally" you weren't doing so well yet he still didn't really give a shit about how CHEATING would affect you and your relationship, ALL HE cared about was some instant gratification.
Time to grow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2018): I usually read the responses from other uncles and aunts. Not this time. I'm going to just concentrate on you.
Passion rises and falls, and sometimes fizzles in a relationship over time. Normal wear and tear on a relationship can sometimes make it feel dull. The main reason people cheat is because they need a thrill, or a "rush." Someone new and different. There is drama and intrigue in the act of cheating. It's risky and the secrecy is exciting. Until remorse and guilt set-in. Or, you get caught!!!
Your boyfriend is correct. The best way to disconnect and move on, is not to contact the other guy. You obviously can't count on your will-power. There is also some element of defiance; because you don't want to be denied something you feel you are entitled to. An over-developed sense of entitlement is something many young people seem to possess these days. "If I want it, I should have it!"
At any cost? No matter who gets hurt?
If there was a lull in your relationship; it's because all relationships reach a point where you become comfortable and stabilized. If it endures, and stands the test of time; it becomes calm and harmonious. If it's too complacent or boring; then you call it quits, and pursue other romantic-interests. You don't stay and make the other person suffer for it. Cheating means you are emotionally-detached to some degree.
The excitement of cheating ignites an adrenaline-rush; and sometimes people confuse that rush ( aka lust) with actual feelings for the person they cheated with. In reading your post, you are rationalizing and making excuses to avert any negative-opinions; or ease harsh judgement towards you.
Tantamount to claiming "the devil made me do it!"
To put it bluntly. You're trying to justify why you cheated.
You lack regard and consideration for your boyfriend's feelings; and have little respect for the relationship you claim you have chosen to keep. Perhaps it has run its course? Maybe it IS time for a change!
Judging you too harshly serves no useful purpose. So giving you food for thought might be more productive. I just won't sugarcoat anything; I'll speak to you as an adult. Seeing a therapist doesn't turn you into a child. Although I do have regard for your mental-state; but you did come here for an objective and nonprofessional opinion.
It seems your boyfriend is willing to forgive you and move forward. It seems you don't appreciate what that means; or comprehend the emotional impact your cheating has made on your relationship. You don't seem to hold enough concern regarding his feelings as a person; or someone who cares for you.
No, you don't get an easy-pass; because you see a therapist. You know right from wrong; and you are accountable for your actions. Your conduct is willful; and you are an adult capable of making judgement-calls, and using logic.
Allow me to remind you what loyalty and being faithful means. If you commit to a romantic-relationship, and you make a mutual-agreement to be faithful and monogamous; trust is based on that promise. Trust and maintaining that trust is what places value on your relationship. How the other guy feels or his concerns for you are irrelevant. If you contact him, you will only open yourself an avenue to pursue a side-romance; while still trying to maintain one with your boyfriend. The proverbial love-triangle. That's greedy, and selfish. Concern that he's worried about you is pretty weak of an excuse. Almost an insult to the intelligence.
Now for a reality-check. You won't always feel sparks fly when you deeply love and care about someone. Sometimes it's a warm feeling that goes through every fiber of your being. There are a lot of silly notions that confuse lust with love. Love outlasts lust. The reality is that a couple's sex-life will rise, fall, and plateau. That's normal. Cheating provides a rush of dopamine and a hormone-high. Sex with a different person has the novelty-effect. Like getting a new toy, or a new car!
The grass is often greener on the other side; but once you get to roll on the other field of grass, you'll find it too will become familiar. In time, it will not seem much different from the patch of grass you've grown used to.
You have to learn something about self-control and remaining committed. You can't jump at every enticing opportunity that comes along, to kill boredom. You want to be forgiven, and all to be forgotten. That requires you to reestablish your boyfriend's trust. It means making a decision and sticking with it.
How would you feel if it was your boyfriend who cheated on you? Cheating is cheating; and any cheater can tell a convincing story that makes it all seem innocent. It's not innocent. It's hurtful, and emotionally-traumatizing to the person you cheated on. You have to show some regard for your boyfriend's feelings; above any concern you feel for some dude you cheated with. Former-friend, or whatever he is. Innocence was defaulted when you both betrayed your boyfriend. Therefore, there should be no contact with the guy whatsoever.
If you have lost your love for your boyfriend; and can no longer show him the respect and regard for his feelings that he deserves. You must end it, and pursue the other guy.
Forgiveness and patience has limits. Then there's stupid!
Don't choose your boyfriend to ease your conscience; and go out of your mind, because you don't really want to be with him. That's not what a therapist is for. To make you feel better about making a choice you really never wanted to make.
I think you want to date the other guy, and you're no longer emotionally-available to your boyfriend. That's why the other guy is so powerfully on your mind.
That's my opinion.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 December 2018):
Thanks for the follow up!
So what is it you want? Do you want to continue the reconciliation process with your secure man. The man who couldn't help you when you passed through that hard time. Or, do you want to rekindle the relationship with the other.
You can't have both, old reliable has told you the conditions of reconciliation. And those terms are very reasonable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): You're very dismissive of mental health issues. My cousin, who I was very close to, killed herself a month before I met this guy. Meeting him felt like a silver lining I'd been waiting for. The timing felt like a gift. We would talk for hours. We both had abusive childhoods and he understood a lot that nobody else I'd ever met had. I felt like a human again with him. The flirting made me excited about life again. We did not exactly have an affair, at least physically, we slept together once and never saw each other again after that because I told my boyfriend.
So that's the background. Call it "convenient" if you want but I would not wish my mental state in those months on anyone. There's a reason those close to a suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): You should not contact him. No contact is how you forget about a fling. Your boyfriend is right. You should not contact this guy again, under any circumstances, unless you choose to end your current relationship for good. You want to talk to this guy because you are like an addict looking for the next fix. You are bored of being comfortable and this other guy makes you feel good and provides much needed excitement in your boring life with the boring guy you have settled for.
If you are really that enamoured by this fling, you are free to go back and pursue him. But do the right thing and leave your boyfriend. You know in your heart that this other guy has a hold on you. Admit it. That is why you are trying to talk yourself into reasons to contact him again. At the end of the day, this other guy's feelings should no longer matter. He has no right to know anything about you or how you are getting on. Your relationship is over and has long been over. You know you are just looking for an excuse to start up with him again because you are unhappy in your current situation.
You are still young. If you are not ready to settle down at 26, that is okay. There are no rules. Just what you feel in your heart. I think that if you settle for this comfortable boyfriend, you are going to spend the rest of your life regretting it. You will eventually cheat on him anyway. To never have a spark with someone, not even at the very beginning when you are supposed to be swallowed up in mutual chemistry is very sad, OP. When you have that chemistry in a relationship, it carries you through. It is not everything, but it is definitely something. Not something to be overlooked. It is obvious you had more chemistry with the other guy. Perhaps you are more compatible with the current one? Maybe you would have the right balance of chemistry/compatibility with the other guy? Only you know.
Don't sell yourself short. PASSION is important in life. I think you're too young to settle for this guy. You will realize you never lived life to your fullest or may have missed out on opportunities.
If you leave, leave for you. Because you know deep down, this guy is not your forever guy. Then find yourself for awhile and then contact the other guy. I wouldn't jump from one to the other.
So many married couples lose the passion in their relationships over time. I have always found this to be sad. That is why people have affairs. You are ahead of the game. If the passion is not there now, it never will be. Think of that. And you can save yourself from a life sentence of dullness, boredom and never feeling alive.
You can't keep going the same way in life and expect to be happy. Sometimes happiness results from making the hard choices, asking yourself the hard questions and being strong enough to face the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): if you have any respect for your boyfriend you'd break up with him. you're clearly not over your fling and your boyfriend deserves better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): Of course your boyfriend is going to tell you not to reply, he is hardly going to encourage it is he?
Read your own question back, you repeat excitement several times in relation to the experience, i am sorry but that doesn't go hand in hand with hitting rock bottom mentally, i think that was an excuse.
I am not saying you aren't going through a hard time in some way but from that i read you are not really happy with your boyfriend, you are 'Settling' and why? what reason?
You contradict yourself a lot, you say you are young but then say at your age you should want a relationship with less excitement, i am in my forties and i want excitement in my life with my man so why do you think you need to lead a mundane life based on it being 'Comfortable'?
You don't love your boyfriend, you had a sexual connection with the other and you know deep down you feel you are missing out staying with your boyfriend but you haven't got the guts to walk away because he offers you comfort and stability, you are scared of the unknown.
You will probably stay with your boyfriend, it will limp along unless you accept reality and grab the bull by the horns. And that doesn't mean replacing your boyfriend because i also get the impression you think you need to be with someone. Simply by being honest with yourself and that is life is passing you by and you feel you are missing something, only you can work it out in your head but that is how i read your post....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): Like a child you want what you can't have and think only of yourself.
You didn't mean it when you promised your boyfriend to cut off your fling and now you need to tell us that you miss him.
You are being very selfish to your guy and it would give you the chance to experience what he went through if he could decide to sleep with another female just for the excitement and then come to you and tell you all about it begging your forgiveness.
You expect more than you can give and you are being a low girlfriend who feels entitled to the security your boyfriend offers whilst dipising him for it.
Change your need to blame others for the lack of excitement in your relationship.
Your kind of excitement is torture to your boyfriend but you are too self absorbed to notice!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 December 2018):
Of course the affair partner is more exciting, he's new, he's forbidden, he is sharing the secret of your affair with you. Of course after you have decided not to settle with old reliable, he will not be so exciting and you will need a new affair to keep you going. How many affairs will it take to carry you through the next 10 - 20 years? How long will the trail of broken hearts you leave be?
Maybe I'm replying more to the other aunts than to you. If you really want to reconcile with your current more than forgiving guy, you have to rebuild the trust you have broken. That means keeping every promise you made to him. The promise not to contact him, the promise not to think about him, long for him, worry about him . . .
Do not get pregnant. Until you have really sorted this out.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 December 2018):
 It sounds like you’re settling here to be honest. You know you have a steady lifestyle with your BF but it’s clearly not everything you need if you’re having these thoughts. It’s okay to be with no one, don’t feel like you HAVE to be in a relationship. 26 really isn’t old, I got together with my first GF at that age after enjoying my younger years being single, now I’m at an age where I’m happy to settle down because I’ve had all the fun that I wanted when I was younger. Sounds like you haven’t just yet.
I’d be seriously considering whether this relationship is right for you. If you truly loved your BF and had eyes for no one else, you’d of realised how much you messed up when you cheated and removed and blocked this other guy from everything, you wouldn’t be wanting to reply and being anxious that he’s worried about you.
You can’t settle when it comes to love. Do everything you need to whilst you’re young so that you’ve no regrets when you’re older. You have plenty of time to get into a stable relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 December 2018):
 I have believed for a long time that who we settle down with is as much about timing as about the other person. We might meet "the one" before we are ready to settle down and, inevitably, that will not work out.
Are you absolutely sure this relationship with your boyfriend is what you want RIGHT NOW? I giggled that you believed you didn't deserve excitement or chemistry at the grand old age of 26. Really?
I get what you are saying about your boyfriend having been "incredibly tolerant through everything" but that is obviously not preventing you thinking about the other guy. For what it's worth, your lack of response is likely to keep him in your mind MORE than if you dropped him a message saying you were ok.
I may have it wrong but, from your post, it sounds like you are with your boyfriend because you are comfortable and financially secure. Is that enough to see you through the next 10, 20 or more years? Is that what you want for yourself?
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A
female
reader, Anonymousfemaleganggang  +, writes (27 December 2018):
I feel like it would probably ease your mind to reply. However that might open the door to restarting the exciting romantic relationship you had with this person before, and that is probably what your partner is worried about too. I feel like you should (if you haven’t already) tell your boyfriend what you said here and say that you miss that friendship. Although I think your boyfriend is right and that if you were truely happy and doing fine you wouldn’t have the time or feel the need to reply..(again, unless you want that person back in your life)
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