A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was involved in an affair that ended after two months. We both knew it was wrong, I was the married one and she wasn't.My marriage has basically been over for the last four+ years and my wife and I have not been intimate in over three years in any way what-so-ever. She ended the affair with a harsh text message but I know / knew that she had strong feelings for me as I did for her while we were seeing each other. Just like women, men can sense things also, perhaps not quite as well as a woman though. There were things that I could see in her eyes, the tears that she shed, things that she said and how they were said, the written words that she used in her e-mails, her touch, feelings that I believe were still there. I don't blame her for what she did, maybe just how she did it but I truly believe that she did it to protect herself. I've spoken with close female friends and that is what they thought it sounded like to them.I cannot get this woman out of my head and it's been over a month since we have communicated and broken up. My feelings for her were and still are so incredibly strong, I'm heartbroken...we could lie on her couch in each others arms for hours and just kiss and look into each others eyes...it wasn't just about being intimate in bed. I loved being with her as often as I could but I couldn't be with her as often as I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Again, I know that what we doing was wrong. I respect her so much… I have wanted to reach out to her but have not. The pain that I am feeling in my heart each and everyday is not going away. It hasn’t even subsided. I am doing things to try and keep my mind from thinking about us / her but inevitably my mind does return to her. I think that I may actually have fallen in love with this womanThe pain is not going away. I want to be with her in every way all of the time. I am literally in tears multiple times a day about this. Am I a fool for feeling this way about a woman after two months while still being married even though it has been over for the last four+ years? I have given thought to the not being intimate with my wife, the marriage being over for the last four+ years, a new woman and the excitement and intimacy that came with that during our brief affair and every other possible variable that I can think of myself but I think that there may be more that I am and am not seeing. Please help...And again, I know how wrong this was to do so please try and be serious, really having a difficult time...
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female
reader, MovingOnNow +, writes (17 March 2019):
People fall in & out of love every day. Some marriages last a lifetime, others don’t. I was the other woman in a 2 year affair with a MM. I tried to end it several times as our feelings became very strong. Had a very hard time being apart though we spoke & texted every day. I would call ours a relationship. Bug I knew he would not leave his marriage. And I respect that. We are in no contact. By choice. To see each other again would be starting & ending again. I am moving on. I have written a dozen letters but never intend to bother him. They are for me. I think of him every day. I wish him happiness & peace. I know he thinks of me & wishes me the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012): I had something similar. My wife lost interest and we have not been intimate for 4+ years. I didn't intend tocheat, but allof my attempts at intimacy were ignored or refused.The affair was not intended; it happened one night and then we continued. We live in different cities, she is in a relationship and has a 2 year old daughter. She told me in somany ways that she loved me, that she would always love me. In writing, in letters, in her words, in her look and in the way she waswith me physically. She was so passionate.But then life caught up and she realised she did not want to deny her daughter her dad, didn't want to "split" her between them and that she was messing up her relationship with her husband. So we decided to end it.A now I feel so empty. I really miss her. I want to call her, text her,tell her I miss her and love her. But it willdo no good. We'vegone from sharing our days from wakeup to bed, to no contact. It is hard to adjust to. One minute she proclaimsherlove for, then the next day no contact.I think about her constantly. I wonder what is she doing.Is she happy.I hope she is. Is she dealing with the same conflicting feelings as me and know the only way to survive is to have no contact? Or has she moved on andI'm now just an irritant that she wishes would go away. Basedon what she said to me, I have to beleive that she really does love me and the "space" is to allowbothofuse to cope. Yes, I'm still hurting and I will for a while.
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female
reader, Bella6844  +, writes (2 October 2012):
Hi,I know this post is old, but may I just ask how the HOW ended it? Did she just stop texting or calling and did you try to contact her when she didn't? And if she did just stop, how long did you wait to contact her
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): hi,mine affair started 2 and a bit years ago,,she is 7 years older than me and single(divorced) we met on a work function,,plenty of booze,,laughter and you can guess the rest. she explained that she didnt want to know about my wife or kids and just wanted some fun,,silly boy went on with this..we txt,email,chatt every day and feel sick if we dont,,my main issue is that i never had the balls to end this and kept it going and going which has now resulted in the hardest life battle to me yet,,my wife doesnt now and ive tried to hide my emotions from her(i know she isnt stupid) the affair girl is now getting angry with me due to the fact we both started talking up a life together,,,im trying to do my best and devote all my time to my family but this affair girl is threatening to bring it all apart,,,, i stuffed up!! wow!! i just need to try and get up and be the man i once was!! sorry for the whinge! im glad i got it out!! thanks
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male
reader, jimmyriddle  +, writes (4 April 2010):
Hi
I am in the same situation and I am really hurting here. Things had not been good with my wife for 18 months when one day I met a lovely girl. We struck it off straight away and became very close. Towards the end of last year we talked of becoming a couple and leaving our respective partners. She told me she loved me - I was so in love with her and I still love her.
But now she has decided to go back to her partner and I agreed as I thought it would be the best thing for her - she is younger than me and our circumstances would make it very difficult to have a long term relationship. But I cant stop thinking about her and I know that she knows we would be so happy together. It tears me up every day.
Whats worse my wife knows about this all and I am perhaps going to lose my marraige. I went to the ends of the earth to stop my wife telling the girl's partner (not for me but to prevent her life being torn up), and made some huge sacrifices in order to do this - and the girl doesnt seem to recognise this. I am so hurt by everything that has happened and have even felt suicidal a couple of times.
I will add that I never slept with the girl and we had enough respect to know how wrong that would be, but we have such a close and intimate connection that just cannot be ignored.
But now I just need to switch off from the whole thing and get on with it. There is no point in living in the past and I have got to look forward to what I want from life now. I am glad this girl is happy, now I need to fix things and somehow continue myself.
Dont know if this helps but at least you know that there are others like you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): i've been in an affair with a married man.. i loved him.. still love him and we lasted for four years...i just had to let him go because it hurt too much to see him with his wife. like you, he is no longer emotionally or physically involved with her but is staying for his children.. he says i'm the love of his life, his soulmate, but because he's married, we couldnt be together.. he begs me to wait.. but i just can't bear the pain anymore.. just because i chose to be with him, doesnt mean that i would keep on having a relationship with another married man. i still love him deeply and i am not interested at all with any other.. i know it's wrong and i'm trying to make things right
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male
reader, MotownPhilly +, writes (25 March 2009):
Just wanted to see if this thread was still alive and what happened in this case? Care to update?
Best regards.
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female
reader, snuggy +, writes (12 March 2009):
I met a guy in a relationship who was going through his own turmoil. It started out as friends but ended up so much more. Apparently his girl was not as sweet as he thought. He wants to leave but doesn't appear to have the balls. Anyway, I give it three more months (we've seen each other for three). I'm not going to waste my time with someone who can't make decisions especially when you're telling me you love me, can't stop thinking about me etc. Had we not been friends before, I never would have given him the time. Because we have been friends, I'm giving him this chance. I know what you're saying when you say you never met a girl like her or had feelings like this .. that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes, we have to just take a chance and leap .. that's what I have done. Life is too short to comply with all the "rules" etc. I have faith that people cross our lives for a purpose and not by accident. We always need to have an open mind. I wish you the best of luck but it seems to me that your friend could just not handle the agony of the relationship and, believe me, as the other party - there is plenty of it. You need to step up to the plate and make immediate decisions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Dont fool yourself any relationship has its highs like that in the begining and you think your in love. The fact that the girl even had an affair with you knowing you were married should tell you something about her as a person. If she had an affair to be with you she would do the samething to you. Honestley wake up you mororn and go home and love your wife the way you put the affection into your affair and things will be fine. If you cant re kindle with your wife than eventually the 6 month high with the other girl or any girl will wear off and you will be looking for the same feelings with someone else. Try focusing on your wife instead of the affair you had or eventually she will be fucking someone else and then you will feel the pain and remember that you once loved her but by that time it will be too late.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): The reason I was a little skeptical is I could never believe my husband would physically be with another woman, especially when in my presence he has seen men try to flirt with me and I don't pay attention to them, really I dont even bat an eyelash. Because I was so satisfied with him "was" is the word now, I don't quite see him in the same light, if I told you I am very curious now to feel someone else physically by my side I am not lying...he destroyed every bit of fantasy in our world we live in I truly believed in our Marriage,,every new "thing" I tried to experiment with him it was always fun..I guess he found it to be fun with someone else...(anal sex) is truthfully what he wanted it was too painful for me so I declined to do it again,,,I guess the other woman liked it....so you get where Im going with this..well I just wander if he had feelings for her.. I am trying to forgive him but it has been a challenge he wants to work at our marriage, I am trying but what do you do when you dont know something wasnt broken in the first place, he says he was stupid, it was a mistake I dont know. As for your marriage, I believe you really tried, if your wife thought everything was fine without makinglove to you, wow, I couldn't handle my husband when he was having the affair he stopped all intimacy with me, it was devastating I knew then and there, he was up to no good. Also, this woman you care about doesnt sound like she would rat you out like the woman my husband had who gave me pictures of himself he gave her, xmas cards, she didnt give me back the money gifts though lol You are a descent man to work things out the way you are, you are better to leave your wife then to do what you were doing because this could be the major role why the other woman wants to break off things. If all goes well you just might get your wish....I hope things work out for you, if what you say in your marriage is true.....ooops there is that negativity coming out sorry.. Really Good Luck Jaazmine xo
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjaazmine...speaking of the woman that I was with, I would have to say no, I can’t see her doing that. Let me say that even though she was the one that ended the affair I’m of the belief that she had strong feelings for me. We tended to be pretty open and frank with each other and were able to say what we needed too when we had too. If she had said that she wanted to see others at the same time then I would have known that she would have. I wrote this in an earlier post:
“Just like women, men can sense things also, perhaps not quite as well as a woman though. There were things that I could see in her eyes, the tears that she shed, things that she said and how they were said, the written words that she used in her e-mails, her touch, feelings that I believe were still there. I don't blame her for what she did, maybe just how she did it but I truly believe that she did it to protect herself. I've spoken with close female friends and that is what they thought it sounded like to them”
She knows that I’m still married and that only emotional stress can come from continuing the affair. Just because I’m in the beginning steps of what I must do to make myself happy means nothing for her if we had continued the affair..
The one thing that concerns me regarding your question is that you and your husband “were very intimate and always friendly” yet he still went online looking for something. My relationship with my wife hasn’t been the greatest in 4+ years with no intimacy in over 3 years. I can’t really explain why I did what I did, I knew it was wrong but I still went forward with it. Me; personally, have a problem with the internet and finding “LOVE”. How can you know if you’re in love with someone if you haven’t been with them, talked to them, held them…see where I’m going? What happened to meeting someone, asking them out, getting to know them? Is that old-fashioned? That’s the approach I would rather use.
What would prevent your husband from going online again? He doesn’t have to leave your side to be looking online. Why did he need to go to her apartment at all hours of the night and how long did he stay? Was this before or after she ended it? I’m not trying to start anything; the same could be said of me and getting involved in another affair. The affair I was in affected me so much that I couldn’t even think about another one or getting back with the woman I was involved with. Do I want to see her? Hell yes, I do! First things first though, I need to take care of my well-being and happiness first. Then and only then can I think about getting involved with someone again, And, if I get involved with the same woman again it will be so much better knowing that there is nothing to prevent me from leaving her in the evening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Reading your problem, because my husband had an affair I am now skeptical about things even though at the time we were very intimate and always friendly. My husband found someone online and had an affair also lasted 2months Now what I want to know my husband sent some pretty deep notes to this woman at the time saying he couldn't get her out of his mind he wrote it in a Xmas card to her she had locked him out of the apartment building. It looked like a very angry affair he had with this woman, with him having to buzz up to her apartment at all hours of the night. He said he was scared she would turn on him..could he be lying to me and in fact have been in love with her....He is totally into me and never leaves my side.....plus enlighten me he never contacted her again, because she told me everything and she told me she would let me know if he even tried to contact her she would e-mail me right away...from your experience do you think he loved her, she was also looking for more men at the time this affair was going on...Could you see this woman you were seeing doing this to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMM_Oxford...Thank you for the kind words, they are truly appreciated, It’s the trying to forget part for me that is being a major problem; I can’t forget! I wake up thinking about her, I go to sleep thinking about her…when does it get any easier? If it does!
I’ve tried numerous times with my marriage that I’ve given up, I don’t want to deal with the rejection any more. That is why I am taking the necessary steps, as much as I hate divorce, to try and recapture a part of my life as well as hopefully giving a part of her life back for my wife as well. Some people would say that I’m taking the easy route. I would trade shoes with them in a heartbeat! Well, I guess that would depend, we all have some sort of problem that we would like to get away from.
There’s a line from “Sleepless in Seattle”. It was said by Tom Hank’s character:
“Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while”
Right now, it kind of sums up how I feel. Oh well, I know (or at least I hope) that things will get better, just have to wade through the muck and mire first.
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A
male
reader, MM_Oxford  +, writes (28 January 2008):
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone - there are lots of us out there! I am in the same position as you - trying to forget a 6 month affair that like yours completely took over my emotions (ended Dec 07), at the expense of a home relationship, which has now deteriorated further. I now realise its impossible to keep two relationships alive (either in your mind or by maintaining contact) and I have decided to do what I should have done in the first place - address the marriage problems first, and only if they can't be fixed (and that will now be hard) look outside. I guess it was just too tempting to have the affair and use the "poor marriage" excuse to justify it to myself, but I wouldn't take that ever route again - too much pain all around in return for some fantastic emotional connection (everything you said about the couch-time struck a chord), and all the good feelings about falling in love with someone are good for your feeling of well-being.
I know this won't help particularly, but at some point we have to put a price on what we are prepared to do to achieve happiness, and will the happiness be real or perceived? Best wishes to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to all who have responded. To the gentleman that replied: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and yes, those are thoughts that I have had for some time. Right now, I cannot remember exactly what had happened that triggered me to think those thoughts. I'm trying to be as open and honest (funny I should say that here) about my feelings as I can. The “fling” (I wouldn’t really have called it a fling, there was just so much more to it) is over, the other woman actually ended it mid December. I haven’t spoken with or tried to contact her in any way other than a txt message to say hello and to drop off Christmas gifts (at her doorstep /1:00am Christmas Day) that I had gotten for her. I think back to being with her, it was just so warm and comfortable in her arms lying on her couch, felt like I’d known her forever. As wonderful as the intimacy in her bedroom was it is the times that we were on her couch holding each other and kissing that will stay with me.....yes, I have thought about this for a long, long time, well before meeting this other woman, I guess that why it hurts so VERY much.
lynnb84, thank you for what you wrote. This is whole thing is killing me. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat down and the number of pages I’ve written to try and get everything I want to say to her just right. I know it shouldn’t matter or be that big of a deal but she’s just so incredible that I don’t want to leave anything out. Then, when I think I’ve gotten it right I talk myself out of sending it to her. Am I sending too much information, not enough or, should I just not try? I am afraid of everything, mainly what I’m getting ready to do here at home and with the other woman at this moment. I could lose everything which would be okay. Ultimately, I need to be happy so that I can share that with someone else.
rockelle, thank you again. I wouldn’t and couldn’t do what other men can and have done so many times. What I’m going through is not easy and I just can’t understand how so many others can treat it just like a walk in the park. Emotional roller-coast…Mine with me in it stopped at the top and then fell off! As for telling the other woman, I don’t think I can/could hold it together. Just to be in her presence, to see her, to smell her would throw me way off balance which is already teetering. I don’t know how to explain it, "hook line and sinker"; the first time I saw her (paraphrasing Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle) “it was magic”. I know that all of the particulars of a divorce, really I don’t, should all be taken care of before getting involved with someone else. If only I could have heeded my own advice. The chances are too great that the emotional stress of going through something like this can take its toll on all concerned parties, something I do not want to do to anyone, regardless of who they are.
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reader, rockelle +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Well I have a better understanding now that you have clarified a few things for me. I am a married women so I can only imagine how hard it is to end a marriage. Dividing assets and property, custody of children,etc. It takes time, that is why I will tell everyone to work towards ending the unhappy marriage FIRST then you can fall in love, and be happy without feeling guilty. I think that you should tell this women how you feel about her and let her know that you are taking steps to end your marriage and you and her can start over.You are doing the right thing by not asking her to wait. I think that it is important for her to know how important she is to you. I am not suggesting that you start the affair all over again, but maybe it will be beneficial for the two of you to discuss the dramatic change that you are experiencing. This is not going to be easy for anyone involved you, your girlfriend, or your wife. Its like being on an emotional roller-coaster. Even if you do not end up with your girlfriend after the divorce is final hopefully you will at least be able to salvage a friendship with both your wife and the other women.You are not the bad guy you made a mistake. Good Luck, divorce is hard but at least you have the courage to do what so many men can not, and that is do what is best for EVERYONE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you rockelle, hello 1 and Laura1318 for responding to my question.
I understand that cheating is not the answer, that why it’s (the affair) over.
The path that we are on at this time is a divorce but I would like the transition to divorce to be as friendly as possible if that can be had. I’m pretty sure (know for sure) my wife knows how I feel; it has been talked about on several occasions. She may even feel the same way as I do.
Options? Obviously leaving but there are things that need to be taken care of prior to the divorce and that is why I would like to try and be amicable about everything. I want to show the other woman (it’s been over a month, almost two now since we have conversed) the steps that I am taking to end my marriage but there are so many things that need to be done and they just don’t happen magically overnight. I wish it were that easy. I do not take these steps lightly and being involved in this has been very traumatic. I haven’t evened officially started anything and I’m already sick. Actually, I don’t think I want to show her the steps that I am taking. I need to take these steps regardless of what happens, I know that.
rockelle, you’re right about the choosing aspect. This was something that the other woman did discuss with me. I know that she ended it because of everything that I’m "carrying" around with me and what I believe to be self preservation. She couldn’t guarantee that she would be available when I get everything sorted out and I wouldn’t want her to do that. I want her to be happy and if that is with someone else; as much as it hurts me to say I would be happy for her. It would be my loss but at least that way it would be pretty clean for all concerned. Not really sure what I was trying to say there, just not thinking as clear as I need to be at the moment. If it’s meant to be, then…
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your input(s)! It helps me to “hear” what others have to say. The thing that doesn’t help is my mind’s eye and the things that I remember talking about and doing with the other woman (can I just say that I don’t like that term at all and I know that goes for every woman out there as well) for the two months that we were together. The pain is enormous and it’s gotten me started again. Am I being a “wuss” for being so sensitive with all of this?
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (23 January 2008):
Cheating is not the solution to solving marital problems, I do not agree with it and do not understand why people do it. It only complicates an already bad situation. You mention how much you love your girlfriend but you do not mention wanting to get a divorce.With that being said, If you are unhappy at home, and there is no intimacy maybe you should think about leaving your marriage. Is that an option for you? Is your wife aware of your unhappiness? Sometimes married men express how unhappy they are and there wives are usually the last to know. Why are you staying in a marriage that you are not happy in? Maybe this women ended your affair because she wants you to choose. If she loves you as much as you love her then she is probably hurting everytime you leave her to go home to your wife. Everyone deserves to be happy, life is too short to wake up next to someone that you are not happy with. You have 3 options you get a divorce and pursue a relationship with the girlfriend or make a sincere effort to make your marriage work, or seperate from your wife and take some time to figure out what you really want. Good Luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I think youre trying to convince yourself your marriage has been over for 4 years. Did you have these thoughts before you met your new woman. Think hard!
Your free to get divorced, or are you not quite sure the new fling will last.
Good Luck
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Split with your wife then go from there. If you really love this woman, show her.
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female
reader, lynnb84 +, writes (23 January 2008):
Right first off, tell your wife its over. Then get in touch with the woman you love. Send her a copy of this page so she can see how strongly you feel about her. Tell her shes all you want. Once she knows youve left your wife and your serious about her, and once shes read what youve wrote on this page, she'll be back in your arms in no time. If a man wrote things like that about me, i'd feel so special and theres no way i'd not get back with him. Whatever you do dont let her go. you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 If you don't love your wife, why are you not letting her go ?Why should you remain in a marriage that is just only an empty shell?
Let each of you seek your own happiness in life.
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