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*ust_confused
writes:First, I apologize for the length of this, I've never written anything like this before and felt knowing the details would help understand why i need advise - thanks in advance!I'm a 48 yr old woman who had stopped dating for several years - raised my son, taking care of my mom, etc - I have been dating off and on for a couple years but nothing serious - I met a guy in November - we have tons in common, felt very comfortable hanging out together, he called often and it all just felt so incredibly great - something neither of us expected but he said more than once "the kind of chemistry we have is very rare and wonderful" - so I really thought we had something good going on. Then, I had a major panic attack about the fact I liked him so much and did a terribly stupid thing and told him I didn't want to see him again, that i just couldn't handle getting that close - of course, as soon as I did that, I regretted it very much. He wasn't happy with me at all - and I understood that and really figured that was probably the end of that - about a week later, I left him a message asking if i could get a robe I'd left there back - he called, we talked, I went over and we had a really nice time, the next morning we hung out and then made plans to see each other at Christmas and I left thinking we were doing alright. I knew I was lucky and had better not have those panic attacks and really had to think those things through and didn't want to put us through all that again. Then, he still called, but he was different - very stand offish, not wanting to make plans to see each other but assuring me it was related to not expecting the emotions and them being scary (I assumed he was talking about his emotions, but I guess he could mean mine, I really don't know)... then he called and said i better not have gotten him a christmas present and said he hadn't gotten me anything and that we wouldn't see each other at Christmas - I had gotten him something and said so, but said i didn't expect a gift, I had gotten the thing for him because I wanted to. Then he told me I had too many expectations and that he didnt want to live together and I needed to stop making him feel guilty - honestly, i had no expectations like that and didn't know what I was supposed to be making him feel guilty for and when I tried to ask what he meant he kept saying I was pressuring him and then he hung up. I was really hurt but didn't know what to do - I tried to email and explain - I thought maybe if he read it instead of talked over me, he might see that I really didn't understand what was going on and we could talk about it more calmly... That weekend i left his gift (unwrapped because I thought that made it less "gifty") at his door and figured whatever we had was over but I still wanted him to have the gift (a video collection that cost less than $50 - so nothing real extravagant or lovey-dovey) ... He called later and said he loved it, went on and on about how great it was and how nice of me and so on - then he got a totally different tone and said I had to take it back and to stop pressuring him and he hung up on me again. So, now I'm really upset - i hadn't called him, he'd called me, the mood changes were confusing me - but I couldn't help but remember how incredible it was and hoped that we'd figure this out... he called the next day, said he was sorry for upsetting me and that he hadn't realized that he had such a hard time with the holidays and just wanted to be alone for Christmas and that everything's going to be okay and we'd see each other after Christmas. I felt better - I thought it was a good sign that he was trying to tell me what was going on and was staying in touch and he could easily just say it's over if he wanted it to be and was trying to work through things instead ... so, Christmas came and went - he left me a message friday saying he was going to dinner with a friend in case I'd hoped to see him (I thought that was a kind of odd message) he said we could probably get together Saturday or Sunday. Saturday he called and invited me over - I went, I got a lukewarm hug and not much interaction - but i figured we were both probably feeling awkward from all that had happened - I asked him if we were okay, he definitely doesn't seem to like being asked things like that, but he said we're fine.He left me a message the next day and just said he'd call later - he didn't. He left a message on new years day, said he'd call later - he didn't. I called him the next night - he was fine while we were doing the "hey how are you"s - then asked if he could call me back because he was just heading into the store - he called back a little while later, but he was really abrupt and different than just a few minutes earlier - he said he didn't want to see me anymore, no explanation. I said I was sorry to hear that, but that I understand that if he isn't interested, there's not much I can do. He called friday and said everything's going to be okay, that he's realizing he has some issues with things, not all related to me, and we'll be fine. So, we talked for a little while about nothing in particular, then when we were hanging up I said "well, i hope we can talk soon" and he told me to stop pressuring him and hung up on me.So, there's part of me that thinks I'm crazy for not just saying "forget it, I deserve to be treated better than this!" ... but, i can't help but think he's really struggling with something that he obviously isn't going to discuss with me at this point, but it's easy to see that there's something going on - I don't want to give up, but I want to feel like my feelings matter - and I have no idea if he'll really call and want to talk if he figures anythign out, i want to trust him - i don't want to call him since I figure if he was in a talkative mood he'd call, and for obvious reasons, I'm hesitant to do anything that will be perceived as "pressure" or "guilt" - I understand that most of us have issues of one kind or another, and I really can't help but think that at least part of the problem is related to depression (I have to deal with that too, but I don't think he's aware that's a factor and am reluctant to mention it) - how long should I hang in there hoping we'll figure this out? I'm not looking to go out and find anybody else, I just really want to either move forward with him and see what happens or know that it's over and begin the healing process.Any advice would be appreciated
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female
reader, Cityworker +, writes (25 February 2010):
i am in too such a situation I met this guy through the internet His girlfriend that hewaas living with just apssed away Im 55 he is 52 I understand he is going through something but i am getting so many mixed signals He doesnt call when he says he will then he acts strange i really fell for this guy after one date
He is giving memixed reactions what should i do
Carol
Philadelphia
A
female
reader, just_confused +, writes (10 January 2008):
just_confused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Since I know all of your responses make perfect sense, even though some say to try to work it out and others say to drop it, that's why it's so confusing, my heart tells me to try to work it out and my head says drop it too! I appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. Anonymous - i hope you are able to sort things out with your girlfriend when she's home again. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 It seems that you guys are both somehow wounded, possibly from your pasts.
There seems to be so much fear, that clear communication is impossible.
Its obvious that you both like eachother quite a bit, and yet, this feeling is blocked by something.
I think I can relate in a sense. For example, I was in a love relation that ended really painfully. while time has passed, and I've had other opportunities, its been difficult to really give my heart to anyone.. I'm simply incapable at the moment, in all honesty.
Maybe I'm wrong, but could it be that this past difficulty, has made it really difficult for you to love, or to accept your love, for fear of being hurt again.
I suspect that when you had your panic attack, you really scared him off.
What you need here is some CLEAR communication between the both of you- heart to heart. For example:
"Listen, I really care about you, I don't want to hurt you, I want to be with you... I'm not pressuring you...if you're not interested, ok,I understand,
and I won't bother you about it...but I'm not playing games here.. would you
like to give us another chance?"
He may need to think about- and he may say no. But atleast things are out in the open.
Seems to me that clear communication is really lacking with most couples. My last relationships have been with women from foreign countries,
where I've been obliged to speak their language...as a result I can only really
say what I mean, I can't beat around the bush, as i would have in English, for the mere fact that I simply don't have the vocabulary. ultimately my relationships ended as a result of distance- but anyway..
CLEAR open communication, and no game playing...GOOD LUCK!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Is he suffering from the bipolar disorder? Sounds like he has a category of mood disorders, alternating from the normal mood , depress mood and mania. Life with him would be like an emotional roller coaster ride. If you cannot ride the roller coaster, better get off .
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (9 January 2008):
 The mixed signals you are recieving could be a myriadof things. Insecurity, an undiagnosed mental condition, a substance abuse problem. It could be anyones guess. But ask yourself if you want to continue to not know from one day to the next where you stand. I have been dealing with the "not knowing where you stand" issue very recently with a long distance relationship, which incidentally, I ended within the past few hours(hopefully for the last time).
Not knowing where things stand is hard enough longdistance, but when it's in your face it is truly disconcerting. If I were you, I'd give this guy the brush off. He is not about to change and you can't make him.
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I can understand how you feel when you're mate doesn't want to discuss his problems. My girlfriend is being the same way and it's killing me. It seems like the other party seems to be able to continue their life easier being preoccupied more of what happened to them and to quickly change the way they were without considering how that would affect their relationship or their partners feelings and emotions.My girlfriend has been on vacation with her dad and family for about three weeks. It all started when she acted all different in tone and interest on New Year's when I called her to wish her a happy new year's and only to receive a rather simple "oh, thanks ...the same to you too". I was heartbroken because we were so far apart and I expected a much more warm and loving response. The next day I asked what was wrong and she said she there was something she couldn't tell me. Of course I wanted to know what was bothering her because I kept imaging the worse even though she assured me it had nothing to with our relationship. Out of anger I decided to break up the relationship. Of course, this is not what I wanted and she hasn't forgiven me and it has made things worse between us or for me really. But the fact that I haven't been able to talk to her face is face is why communication is so important.I know how you feel. Everything was going perfect and all of the sudden; they don’t want to share their feelings. While along you thought everything was going to be ok. I think your boyfriend is pretty much focused on other things right now like my girlfriend is. The key is communication and letting him know you are concerned and that you understand how difficult it is for you and that you would like to fix it. I wish I knew what I know. I learned that our mates wouldn't like feeling more pressured and uncomfortable from what they already are of what might be bothering them. I pressured her too much and made things worse by not being more understanding. The only thing you can do is ask your boyfriend when would be a good time to talk face to face. Not over the phone, e-mail, messenger. Face to face. Give him time and if he decides not to continue (I hope he does), it's best for you to just move on. I know that's not the best answer, but there isn't much you can do. You can't change a person's mind. They have to do it on their own. My girlfriend gets back this Saturday and I know she'll be jetlagged and she’ll probably isn’t going to want to talk to me immediately. I just hope that she's willing to give it a chance and forgive me for pressuring her and losing control. I hope we talk things out and fix things up. Hopefully talking to her face to face will show how concerned I am and willing to listen. Good luck to both of us!
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