A
female
age
26-29,
*rixie66
writes:Since coming out of a two year long toxic relationship way back in February, I've been finding it really difficult to fall in love with anyone else. I really loved the guy I was with and still believe I feel something for him as he was my first love but he was a vile individual who made me ill .I've dated two lovely guys since being with him. The first relationship ended after 4 months because I simply was not attracted to him. I'm currently in a relationship with the ultimate perfect guy who ticks all of my boxes, I'm physically attracted to him, we get along perfectly, he treats me like a queen and we have a fantastic sex life. Yet something is missing for me...I feel so strongly about my current partner, I've been with him for around a month (though I've known him years) but I don't know if it's love? I don't feel what I felt for the first guy I was with, even though he treat me bad and I know it was an unhealthy kind of love, I was obsessed and had a desperate need for him. My current boyfriend is everything I want in a partner and more, none of my exes even come close to his perfectionI still think about my first boyfriend way too much for my liking, even though we've been split for almost 9 months. I just don't get it, will I ever love again? :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): Don't give too much credit to your previous "love" for being healthy. It probably wasn't healthy but rather was an emotional addiction. It sounds like you are wishing for the highs of that relationship without the lows. It doesn't work that way. The highs only ever felt that high in the first place BECAUSE OF the lows.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): It's taken me four years to feel ready for another relationship after 15 years with a toxic abusive man. Give yourself time to heal and learn and get to know yourself. It's important not to go for the same type of man again and repeat the pattern. Why are you in such a hurry?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 September 2016):
 First of all, try to relax as its only been a short time since you split with your ex. Of course you'll find love again. But you have to be ready for it.
Second, what I think you're mistaking for love from your previous relationship sounds more like codependence. I know because I've been there. It was an unhealthy addiction I had to that relationship. I damn near couldn't breath without her. It was completely unhealthy in every way. You should never feel obsessed or addicted to your partner. There is something wrong if you do. I think you are comparing what you have with this guy to the intensity of the confusion and chaos of your last relationship and mistaking the calmness of your new one to mean it isn't as exciting and real as your last. What you don't want to feel like you felt in your last relationship. You want something healthy and obtainable. Something that can give back to you and make you feel good the way that you make them feel good. It sounds like you have that with this guy. Don't be drug back into unhealthy mindsets. What you had was not healthy with your ex so don't compare healthy and unhealthy
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 September 2016):
 You're too fixated on the idea of love, you don't fall in love one month into a relationship. It's something that people can take years to say to their partner. If you're enjoying the relationship just go with it and see where it takes you, stop comparing them to your ex who was no good for you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 September 2016):
 He was your first love, and that first pain and hurt kind of takes a bit longer to get over. Took me about 5 years to get over my first boyfriend, like 100% over him. I fell in love again sooner than that, yes, but it still took me ages to get him completely out of my system. And when he's been a manipulative man who played games with you and made you ill, it's even worse. There's a reason why you felt addicted to him, because he was manipulating you. Without manipulation you can CHOOSE whether you want someone or not, as opposed to feeling pulled towards without any control, and without even wanting it. You said yourself he was a vile man, you couldn't possibly have WANTED to be addicted to him. That sort of addiction is something he created through a pull and push game with your mind. It wasn't your emotions of love that made you feel that way, it was a human response to being manipulated.
Love is when you CHOOSE, freely and willingly, to go to your loved one and have him embrace you with kindness. Love is not feeling desperate and hurt. I think you just need to readjust your parameters a bit, and discover what love actually is, as opposed to being controlled and played with.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 September 2016):
 Off course you will love again, you just need to give yourself some time, it was only 9 months ago, so it is still raw, especially when he was your first love. Relax, take your time getting to know this guy, don't put to much pressure on this relationship just take each day as it comes and see how it goes. I think you are worrying to much about feeling love, when at this stage you should just be getting to know each other and having fun. You will eventually forget about your ex, it just takes time.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 September 2016):
 Stop trying to fall in love so quickly. You're young and you're out of a difficult relationship this year - it's not easy to let go. Slow down and don't rebound by trying to replace it. Find something new, not the same.
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