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male
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Alice,I'm 21 years old, and i've been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year and 1/2. Aprox 8 months ago we stopped having sex. WHY? She has something called "vaginisme". Basically it means that penatration hurts a lot, she can't enjoy it and nor can I.We still have some foreplay but i'm sure you can understand it gets boring after a while. And OUR sex drive is pretty low. Problem (besides all the above):1) I love her, she loves me (very much) but i feel stupid that all guys my age are having a blast and i, well you know...2) Love is hard to find, right? So I can't dump her just because were not having sex. Not only would it mark/scar her for the rest of her life, but i wouldn't feel right about it neither.Relationship: We are a great couple, do lots of things together exept the sex part. Got some advice for a lost guy?Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2007): Hey,
Well i think your a very sweet guy. I think any other guy would have left her for that because that's how the world is working today. I think you should continue with her untill the problem gets resloved. Now, also you can always talk with her about and see how she feels about it, as well. Well,i wish the best luck for both of you guys and that everything will come out ok and you guys will be able to have sex again. Take care!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2006):
Thanks, you have been very helpfull.
She has been going to a doctor and suddently after 8 months, they say its phsychological.
When she is relaxed and at the doctor she can insert a probe (penis size) without hurting TOO much. But when it's with me... So physicly she is more or less ok i guess.
So i will see if i can find any of these books and check for a surgery. Thanks you for the support, it has not been easy lately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): I saw a show on this once and the lady had surgery and took care of the problem. She testified later saying that she never knew what she had all these years and thought that it was just something phsychological, and never thought that it was a problem she needed to see the doctor for or that the doctor could correct it and that she now enjoys sex to the fullest and her and her husband finally get to enjoy sex. Ask her to get help from a plastic surgeon. They can correct it with surgery. One doctor may say that its something that is physcological when it really isnt. I recommend getting a second opinion from another doctor. It must be very frustating and thats good that you have that kind of patience with her, most men would have left in that situation. You are a true man!!! I hope this helps may God Bless you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 June 2006):
 Zadzia1127 said it magnificently, I hope you can help your partner, the best of luck to both of you.
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A
female
reader, Jadzia1127 +, writes (6 June 2006):
 Is your girlfriend in treatment? Vaginism needs psychological intervention to reduce the anxiety response associated with sexual contact and to eliminate the muscular spasms that stop entry to the vagina.
The techniques used in treatment of this type of problem are:
1) psychoeducation, for providing information about anatomy and sexual response; (Get the book 'What your mother never told you about sex')
2) training in relaxation, which favours the elimination of escape and/or avoidance responses, control of anxiety levels and control of the tensing-relaxing responses experienced in sexual interaction;
3) training in self-exploration and self-stimulation, aimed at increasing knowledge of the reactions and responses of one’s own body to stimulation; (get her a vibrator/dildo)
4) Kegel’s pelvic muscle exercises (Spencer, 1991), which facilitate the identification and control of these muscles; (she needs to squeeze the muscles used in stopping pee)
5) programme of progressive vaginal dilation (Rosen & Leiblum, 1995), with the insertion of gynaecological swabs gradually increasing in size (by the woman herself and/or her partner); (her doctor is the one to contact about this)
6) program of sensory focusing, with the collaboration of the woman’s partner, aimed at reducing anxiety about sexual contact, learning to give and receive pleasure and increasing communication.
What you do with this information is your business. If you love this girl, I suggest you go slowly, by starting with #1 and getting that book and start discussing it together. If she is in treatment then she can work on the rest with your help when needed.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
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