A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - really need help and soon as I am desperate to make a decision on my relationship. I have had a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years - 2 of which he has been living in Oz. It became clear when we first got together that he was not going to change his plans and stay in the UK (whether or not I was) and I have been unsure about moving out there with him. My indecision has combined with lots of other factors (my divorce was going through and I have been trying to change careers!) to make the situation extremely pressurised and stressful. I do love my boyfriend and he has so many qualities that I love but some of the things that have happened make me constantly question things - and I am so torn. I need views on the following list of things (bearing in mind this is just the negatives) as many of them I have not discussed with anyone else - I worry that I am not able to make 'obvious' decisions and am not seeing things clearly due to being in love and also constantly pressurised. Anyway here goes....:1) When we first got together he kept getting texts and calls from his 'female friends' (even in the middle of the night)and got very angry with me when I questioned it and got irritated.2) He got a text from a female friend of his who I know is now married on a Sunday evening which said "How are you doing? XXX" This was someone who previously he had said he had not been in contact with for 5 years3) When we went out to the cinema he took me to see a film which was violent and upsetting. I had already told him I did not like films like that but I didn't know the content prior. Afterwards I was upset and we cancelled our meal out - he got in a rage in the car park when I walked off and ran up behind me and shoved me in the back. It took hours to calm HIM down.4) When we were driving to the countryside for the day we were talking about previous relationships. He had already told me that he got off with another girl during a long term relationship (not sex) and deemed that was not cheating. That unnerved me and I questioned it saying I thought it WAS cheating - he went mad at me and made out I had a problem.5) We went to the pub one evening and because I didn't have much time the conversation was tense. I said I was going to have to go and got up and left. I sat in my car with one leg out waiting to say goodbye and he slammed the door against my leg which cut it.6) He wanted to move in with me after about 4 weeks of knowing one another (he had already told me he loved me). I was not long out of a bad (abusive) relationship I said I needed space at home. Because he had helped me decorate he got very resentful and said it was like a body blow of rejection. I think he still resents it.7) Since emigrating he has wanted me there and I have been trying to push my life towards that goal. In the meantime though during the 2 years I have visited him 3 times and we also met half-way (I paid for the hotel) (total cost of all this nearly £3k)and spent a fortune on phone calls (often trying to save our relationship). He has not once visited the UK.8) Often he has punished me for not being there - avoiding my calls on my birthday, giving me ultimatums, tell everyone we're finished and not tell me that.9) When we met halfway for a week and stayed at a hotel he left his mobile with me while he went to the gym. I was suspiscious of his behaviour (he'd been offish)so checked his phone - sure enough... one text read "when we go out tomorrow we need to find some new girls" and anothe said "no, some new girls would be better".10) On a couple of the visits I have made to see him in Oz we have had tense arguments because of the distance and time apart. On two occasions he got physically violent and the last time even had his hands to my throat threatening me. 11) Because I have a dog I am worried about whether its right to move him out to Oz but am so upset at the thought of leaving him behind. My boyfriend has grown tired of that argument and now I just don't mention it.So often he says that I push him too far, trigger the reaction or I imagine things and make a big deal of stuff. On the phone he often over talks me and I think he has given me a bad reputation with his family and friends by not explaining my side of the situation properly - they think I treat him badly. He always seems to have an excuse for the 'grey areas' of his behaviour but over time its led to great uncertainty. However I feel desperate not to throw everything away as the chance to emigrate will not come again and maybe it has been the pressure that has caused this. Please help me unravel this problem - I can't seem to think for myself anymore and feel lonely with it all. I am 37 soon and life is slipping by (my boyfriend is 32)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (2 April 2009):
 You clearly already know the answer to this question.You have listed 11 points against it, maybe you just needed to get it all out in a clear, concise manner.You say life is slipping by, but it seems as though you would be throwing it away if you decide to move to be with this man who abuses you, who will not comprimise, and who seems to have an entirely different set of morals.You mention he has many qualities that you love, but none of them have made it to this post. The bad clearly outweighs the good.So it's up to you, you can throw away everything you know for a man who wouldn't do the same for you, or you can hold out for the person who would do the same for you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): i think you need to live in the moment and not worry so much about what happens! I read every single detail in your post, you are thinking to much! Think about it this way , hes with you now right? and i guess thats all that matters, jsut be greatfull for that. and if he decides to leave, then there are more fish in the sea, it just takes time love! take it as it comes... regards jen
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