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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I got some good advice the other day about my current relationship, and have heeded the bits about being treated like a doormat. My ex constantly talks about her exes and her previous one in particular. He has recently been back in contact about picking up the remainder of his stuff from her place, and then said that he would like to continue meeting up with her as friends. He was verbally and physically abusive to her and made a big point of saying that all his girlfriends come back to him in the end. She has said that she would like to meet up with him and phone occasionally to see how he is doing and to get closure. My attitude is that she should not have got involved with me if there wasn't closure anyway, and all this is going to do is open up the feelings even more. My feeling is that he picks up his stuff, goes, and then we can all move on. I am tired of him being a topic of conversation in our relationship, and I gave an ultimatum: Either he is out of our relationship or I am. I don't want any 'open doors' left. I am not normally a jealous person, and have no issues with friends of the opposite sex- just having people in the background who really should be in the past, and who quite frankly, don't want to be.
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female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (21 September 2006):
 I both agree and disagree with your view on this situation. First of all, I agree that someone with such an abusive past should be able to move on and be relieved they have at last escaped to have a new life, but it is beyond my understanding that women in particular seem to have deep feelings for their abusers and keep going back. Secondly, I disagree about past relationships in general and being able to 'close the doors'. In a passing relationship, maybe, but if you have lived with and loved someone for years, you cannot just be expected to pack all your past and feelings into a box. Some maybe able to, in some circumstances, but we learn from life as we go on, and hopefully we can take what we have learned into a new relationship. Also, it is not realistic to expect someone to not move on until they have closed the doors. People do not always choose to meet their next partner and know they will fall for them, we do what we can do and hope we do not hurt people on the way, but we do not have crystal balls to know the outcomes. I was married for 4 years in my early 20s and still think of my ex, have met up with him roughly every ten years since then and have agreed that we would not be the people we are now, had we not gone through our experiences together. We still love each other in the sense we still care deeply about the other one's fate and would be there to help if needed, but we recognise our time has been and gone, and our priorities lie with our current partners and familes. One of the most destructive things in my current relationship of 27 years, is my husbands incessant jealously and suspicion. This is not the main reason we are splitting, but just one of many. In this age of 40% of marriages failing, it is a high chance that our next partner will have some baggage, and being able to talk about it within reason, is healthy and allows honesty, trust and understanding. If you block this pathway to suit your own needs, then she may become resentful and to excerise her need to proceed through the grief pathway, which you cannot force, can only end in pent up undisclosed feelings that will ultimately be destructive and drive you apart instead of closer.
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